Final Fantasy Fan Voted "Least Likely To Get Laid"

Recently, I decided to forgo taking a nap in lieu of something more productive so I washed the dishes. As punishment from the nap Gods, I cut my finger on a steak knife.

Germans hate everyone. Did you know that when you sneeze and a German says “Gesundheit” it actually means “fuck you!”

I figured out how people started collecting sap and making it into maple syrup. There must have been some retarded kid that kept licking trees and eventually some regular kid dared another regular to try it out. The rest is history. Pancake history.

The meal after breakfast and before lunch is called brunch. The meal in between brunch and lunch is called “you’re fat”.

A blank sheet of paper does not imply writer’s block – it’s merely a fresh patch of snow for the writer to pee his name into. A pile of pee-soaked snow is a writer’s playground. Writers are disgusting.

Cloning sheep was a start. Cloning Uncle Sam is my idea!

Can I get extra cheese on that? And an extra bun. Ooh, and an extra burger patty. No, I don’t want two cheeseburgers – I just want one with a ton of extras!

My awesome boss update – he recently became annoyed by having to attend a mandatory company meeting at 4:30pm because that’s the time he’s scheduled to crack his first Bud Light. Apparently, alcoholism is my only criteria for being a cool boss.

Everyday is your birthday when you’re an alcoholic.

The most common phrases I say inside my head are “what do you want?” and “leave me alone!” I wonder if that’s a bad thing…? Oh well, I hear that there’s only five more months until football season!