Filling Daddy’s Shoes And My Underpants

The shower is like a womb with rain where you cover yourself in perfume to distract people in the outside world from your constant pooping.

Clipping toenails and having sex are exactly the same to me. I wait so long to do either but during each activity I’m like, “Man, I should do this way more often.” But before I know it, I’m right back to having wolverine toes. Virgins have the ultimate wolverine toes.

I bet at least ten percent of people you see in public are thinking, “Man, I wish I was home so I could poop.” The other ninety percent of people will join that ten percent as soon as they finish their taco lunch.

Men have a much closer relationship with their pee. Pee is a complete mystery to women. A pee mystery. A Peestery. The History of Peestery By Julius Bloop. I am really dumb.

I quit smoking recently. Yeah, it’s been 25 years. It was a rough nine months. Sometimes I connect a nicotine patch to a hose and hook it to my belly button for old time’s sake. Mmm, I’m in flavor country.

I’m single because I refuse to date anyone not hotter than my mom. The point of having children is for them to one-up their parents, right? So how could I possibly out score my old man if I date some chick who isn’t hotter than my mom? I see some dudes with ugly girlfriends and I bet their dads are super pissed.

Adult diapers are way different than adult tigers. But if adult tigers approach you – get adult diapers.

The greatest legacy a man on his deathbed could leave is to donate sperm as he dies. Then, a woman uses his sperm and gives birth to a ghost baby. And guess who is going to be the coolest kid in kindergarten? Fucking GHOST BOY.