I am working very hard.

On a brand new JuliusBloop.com.

You will be happy.

I will be happy.

Hobos will be hungry.

I mean, happy.

Stay tuned.

To the Internet.

This Website.

In particular.

Thanks.

Balls.

In a move that made those chickenshit Herkimers proud, Lionel skirted our duel. I rubbed Superior Wizard Oil on my Merciless Gladiator’s Spellblade for 6 hours at the Gates of Ironforge, all for naught.

W/e. Another win for General Gunderson. This Herkimer thing is like water under the Blackrock Depths bridge. And summer vacation is almost over, wtf. I’m so glad, though… it’s been a rough one. Why? Leanne and I are separated, that’s why.

Leanne [I call her my LOL, Love O’my Lyfe LOL] is that night elf druid I met at Bible Camp. She lives in New Mexico, so I don’t see her that much, but we spend like 14 hours a day together in The Outlands. Sometimes we quest together, sometimes we just sit in Shattrath and talk in trade chat cuz we like to make everyone else jealous LOL.

We thought the best way to keep our relationship solid was to start a guild. So we created {Jesus is My Epic Trinket} together and it was a huge success. We delivered Christianity to over a dozen Azerothians in the first month:

FlyinHaiAgin: {Jesus is My Epic Trinket} is now recruiting Christians and Heathens alike! Whisper for an invite.
Boingboingurmawm: wat
FlyinHaiAgin: u read it fgt
Boingboingurmawm: u got a guild bank and free guild repairs?
FlyinHaiAgin: ya
Boingboingurmawm: ok kewl invite me lol

All was fine and dandy last Thursday. I was running through Stormwind preaching the gospel of Christ (and eating a Chicken and Bacon Hot Pocket LOL) when I saw Leanne from across the Canal. She was almost nude and dancing with some other gnome!

FlyinHaiAgin: wut the fuck bitch wut is this shit
Leanneonme: um im just makin gold
FlyinHaiAgin: wat
Gnomercy: shes dancin fag leave us alone

It turns out that in addition to enchanting and mining, Leanne had another profession - stripping for fags in capitol cities. Yep, for 5g, she sold the sanctity of our e-lationship.

I did what I had to do. Yeah, we founded the guild together, but I turned in the charter so I’m the REAL Guild Master. I demoted Leanne’s guild rank from Apostle to Witness, and let me tell you: Hell hath no fury like a female druid scorned. Srsly.

Leanneonme: ok Gerald wtf i didn’t deserve that
FlyinHaiAgin: wtf? ok first, when we’re in Azeroth, call me General Gunderson
Leanneonme: fu
FlyinHaiAgin: yeah and second, SINS OF THE FLESH HELLOOOO stop that shit plz unless u wanna be single
Leanneonme: i h8 u

Ok, maybe I went too far. There’s a fine line between “sins of the flesh” and being an enterprising businesswoman, and after all, those 5 gold pieces DID go for our n00bs’ repair bills. I decided to tone it down a little:

FlyinHaiAgin: ok well ur fat so fuk u
Leanneonme: what?
FlyinHaiAgin: u heard me go get a cheeseburger LOL
Leanneonme is ignoring you.
Leanneonme has left {Jesus is My Epic Trinket}.

Yep, bitch blocked me.

She’s in a new guild called {Riders of the Short Bus} but she’ll be back, ‘cuz once you go Gerald, your heart is imperiled - LOL.

Like I said, WORST SUMMER VACATION EVER. I can’t wait to get back to school next week so I can tell everyone about how awesome camp was and brag about my conquests in Azeroth *and* on that battlefield called “Love”.

JUNIOR YEAR BABYYYY!!! LOL

Janice details her recent sexual exploits after having an incredible hookup during a swinger’s party.

Today I was bending over, picking up a bag of coffee beans at my job at “Café Artiste,” when this gross-fest who I work with asked me why I had a big “X” tattooed on my lower back.

My first, most singular, upfront, thought was to accuse him of staring at my butt. I mean, I know that shit is totes stare-able, but can’t we keep it professional to the fullest?

Totes not, apparently.

I had to explain to Gross Face 2008 that I used to be Straight Edge, and being that he is only twenty he totes wasn’t in the know about the Straight Edge era.

I took him in the back room and began to show him all of my gnarly ink.

Actually, give me a milli to quickly say: Thank you, Tony Tatz, you are an inspiration to the world of tattooing and, moreover, to the world of art - sorry I haven’t displayed my grill in a while.

Tony Tatz is the one who is responsible for my name, X Vicky Gnar Gnar X. We started dating while I was getting learn’d at NYU for Chemistry - he was there for Liberal Arts.

I was partying all the time, was totes on the road to Fail City when I met Tony Tatz and he veered me away from the ick-nast world of drugs and drinking. I graduated Sum Cum Laude and he was way to the max responsible for my success.

We broke up shortly after graduation because I had a Mike’s Hard Lemonade on accident.

I know you are all totes calling me out right now for my previous reference to drinking in my preevs blog, I’ve obvs jumped off that wizzagon..

The thing is, I only make minimum wage at my Café job, so drinking is expensive, and getting my tattoos laser-removed is totes out of the quesh.

So I made up my mind right then and there in the back room of “Café Artiste” and decided I’m edge again. I totes DID that twenty-year-old boy in the back room to express myself in my last moment as a plebe of society.

Okay, I gotta go find all my old “Minor Threat” and “Teen Idles” albums and throw away all the new boots I just bought, totes made a cow die, my bad.

Keeping it REAL.

Proudly,

I check my email so frequently that I look forward to spam just so I have something to delete.

Dear TV Programmers - give women’s beach volleyball its own channel. Some naysayers will scoff at the idea but we’ll make the girls read a poem about feminism after each match - that’ll win those intellectual-types over.

Someone tell bees that I’m not a flower. They swarm me like I’m somehow going to add to their stupid honey collection. I guess I should stop coating myself each morning in a thick layer of pollen but it does wonders for my pores!

Bears and humans may disagree on a lot of things but honey isn’t one of them.

The Internet is great but not because of its ability to bridge great distances and create an endless flow of communication. The Internet is great because when I absolutely needed to hear the original American Gladiators theme song - I heard that shit after 0.14 seconds of googling.

Nitro! Blaze! Titan! Internet!

Sexual fetishes baffle me. What’s so great about having your balls stomped on by a prostitute in high heels? And why do girls get bent out of shape when I mention my sexual fetish – a midget dressed as a toddler that’s potty training. What’s the big deal, ladies!?

“Check out that chick’s ass!” is a more commonly spoken phrase than “Check out that old man’s ass!” The exception being when an old man’s ass is covered in birthday cake and poo.

Parrots solve a lot of puzzles to get their hidden food. Humans have to solve crazy puzzles to cook dinner so we’re like the kings of parrots. For years the parrots were the kings of humans because of their ability for flight but now we’ve got airplanes, parrots, so fuck you.

Shoes normally die of old age but stepping in dog poo is definitely a shoe heart attack.

This past weekend was the annual “Bring Your Asshole Pet to the Doolittle Shopping Center” event.

I can’t even begin to describe the asinine amount of morbidly obese couples who decided that today, of ALL days, was the best time to not only drag their crippled mutt from its doggy-bed to my Sear’s Customer Service counter, but also return their Zark Brand Homemade Pasta Machine.

It seems as though they were disappointed when, instead of healthy homemade pasta helping them lose weight and thereby see their toes or genitals for the first time in decades, they returned the appliance because they can’t follow instructions.

You see, Myrtle and Dwayne failed to read the very important bit that read, and I quote, “MUST COOK PASTA AFTER USING MACHINE”. These people are about as inept as the Karnatakan Congress!

I digress..

Not only am I completely fed up with human beings at this point, somehow I’ve grown to dislike the animal kingdom with a burning white heat. My trusty pet ferret Mindaugus aside, I could go without ever having to see another furry, four-legged, crotch-licking, anus-sniffing, haggard excuse for a life-form for the rest of my exemplary life.

My aversion to animals other than Mindaugus stems from their insufficient mental capacity. This could have something to do with their supposed “Master” treating them as though they were a true member of their “family”.

With Mindaugus and I, it’s more of an understanding than a blood-bound familial relationship. He knows that his TRUE duty is to rid me of the rats and mice that have been boring holes in my walls, effectively increasing my rent by 1.445x.

In his ferret-y eyes, I exist to fill his dish, clean up after his defecations and, once in a while, scratch the back of his ear where his minuscule little arms just aren’t able to reach. Truth be told…he does the same for me.

Either way, I’m going to make a STRONG case in front of the board of directors at the Doolittle Shopping Center to once and for ALL banish the annual “Hey, Moron! Bring Your Asshole Pet to the Doolittle Shopping Center” day.

The August sun is hotter than Hell which only means that the August videogames are hotter than Hell Hell!

Madden NFL 09

They keep cranking a new edition of this game year after year and I fail to see much improvement. I know that Steven Madden is the biggest name in the National Footwear League but this franchise needs to be taken out back and buried in a box. A shoebox.
Score = Shoes

Braid

French it, twist it and tighten up those cornrows in this Hannah Montana braid simulator for the Nintendo DS. Using the stylus can be difficult when you’re talking to boys, doing your nails and texting your girls all at the same time but the soundtrack from the Jonas Brothers more than makes up for it.
Score = OMG LOL

Bionic Commando Rearmed

I was incredibly upset when the bionic commando lost his arms at the end of the first game - so imagine my elation when Blizzard Studios announced they…rearmed him! The box art is laughingly poor but any chance us gamers get to take out the evil Dr. Wily is a welcome one.
Score = 9.999

Strong Bad: Episode One

More like Weak Bad – Episode Dumb. The controls stink, the graphics stink and the disc literally smells like rotten dumpster meat. I like the online comic strip that it’s based on but someone needs to tell those fellas to stick to making fun of videogames and stop trying to make them.
Score = 0.01

SIREN: Blood Curse

Simon Belmot is whipping his way back to Dracula’s Transylvanian Castle. Capcom has ditched the Metroid-style gameplay for something totally new. Think Rygar meets Super Dodgeball meets Sim Ant and you’re halfway there.
Score = 5.5

Geometry Wars 2

You’d think that a fighting game starring mathematical shapes would be boring. You’d think it’d sucked balls for breakfast. You’d be wrong. Isosceles Triangle’s uneven side attack is cool but look out for the totally lopsided moves of Rhombus!
Score = 3.14159265358979323846…

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Sonic The Hedgehog

Patience is a virtue in this turn-based strategy classic that brought dwarves and wizards from twenty-sided die to your TV screen. The graphics are outdated and new gamers might hate the sluggish pace but all you hogwart fans should count your Sonic blessings because there’d be no Harry The Potter without Sonic The Hedgehog!
Score = 100.5

A lot of people try to do sketch comedy and seem to rely on slick editing, music or beating the premise into the ground without payoff. Whitest Kids U Know is one of the few sketch groups around today that always find a way to establish clever premises and successfully twist them with a solid punchline.

They clearly take their time and develop their comedy. Enjoy this sketch.