Emo Bulls Refuse to Run In Pamploma.

If this was medieval times and I was King, I’d commission the greatest bakers in the land to make a dragon-sized donut. I’d take one bite out of it and declare it the most delicious treat among the living. Then I’d force my guards to toss the remainder of it in the bottomless pit of Grogom. That’ll probably teach ‘em something. I’m an awesome King.

A manhattan is exactly like fruit punch except it’s made out of whiskey, makes you blackout drunk and could force you to “Hawaiian Punch” your best friend in the balls for no good reason.

People complain about product placement in movies but at least advertisers aren’t writing slogans into the scripts. The classic horror scene where the murderer approaches and the girl can’t start the car would be a lot different if she yelled, “Come on, Ford…Focus! Hurry up and get in the zone! THE AUTO ZONE!”

Lithuania has its own tourism website. Who gave those stupid Eskimos a computer anyway? Hahahhah! I have no idea where Lithuania is…

Next time you see a beautiful girl and she ignores you, just think about the intense diarrhea experience she had in some dirty public restroom. Everyone has a story like that – even pretty girls. So if she tells you to leave her alone just say, “Hey, at least I’m not five-years old and clogging the toilet at Chuck E. Cheese.” She’ll know what you’re talking about.

There’s something poetic about sitting on the toilet eating a banana. Whoops, I meant to write there’s nothing poetic about sitting on the toilet eating a banana.

Wal-Mart is running a holiday ad campaign where they claim customers who shop there can get more Christmas. That’s great because I was worried about only getting two Christmas this year but thanks to Wal-Mart I might be able to get three or four Christmas! Thanks, Wal-Mart. For allllll the Christmas.

All my life people have criticized me for walking like a tough guy because of a slight bob in my stride. What they don’t realize is that one of my legs is longer than the other one. So not only am I a phony tough guy but I’m also lopsided.

A portly customer at the grocery store was picking out a bag of shredded cheddar when she politely quipped, “Cheese – it makes everything better!” I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t making her chances of preventing heart disease any better but instead said, “Yeah – it’s pretty good!”