Dorleen Muntz Wins Gold In The 100m Child Abuse

I check my email so frequently that I look forward to spam just so I have something to delete.

Dear TV Programmers – give women’s beach volleyball its own channel. Some naysayers will scoff at the idea but we’ll make the girls read a poem about feminism after each match – that’ll win those intellectual-types over.

Bears and humans may disagree on a lot of things but honey isn’t one of them.

“Check out that chick’s ass!” is a more commonly spoken phrase than “Check out that old man’s ass!” The exception being when an old man’s ass is covered in birthday cake and poo.

Someone tell bees that I’m not a flower. They swarm me like I’m somehow going to add to their stupid honey collection. I guess I should stop coating myself each morning in a thick layer of pollen but it does wonders for my pores!

The Internet is great but not because of its ability to bridge great distances and create an endless flow of communication. The Internet is great because when I absolutely needed to hear the original American Gladiators theme song – I heard that shit after 0.14 seconds of googling.

Nitro! Blaze! Titan! Internet!

Sexual fetishes baffle me. What’s so great about having your balls stomped on by a prostitute in high heels? And why do girls get bent out of shape when I mention my sexual fetish – a midget dressed as a toddler that’s potty training. What’s the big deal, ladies!?

Parrots solve a lot of puzzles to get their hidden food. Humans have to solve crazy puzzles to cook dinner so we’re like the kings of parrots. For years the parrots were the kings of humans because of their ability for flight but now we’ve got airplanes, parrots, so fuck you.

Shoes normally die of old age but stepping in dog poo is a shoe heart attack.