Dominos and Pizza Hut Turf Wars Extend Into Messy Bedroom At Mom's House

Important government leaders with their faces immortalized on currency are so awesome. I want to be on some currency that’s so inflated that the starving citizens have to lug wheelbarrow loads of Bloopy coins around just to buy a loaf of bread. Those poor bastards would be so mad and then there’d be me – thousands of me – just smiling forever…

I wouldn’t have such a negative disposition if every stupid thing didn’t suck balls so much.

Excitement can be incredibly circumstantial. Like, it’s weird how you only get excited about toast when you’re sick and or how you only get excited about sex when you’re a man.

Do you ever eat something at a restaurant and think, “You know what this food really needs? A completely different combination of ingredients, prepared at proper temperatures for a more suitable length of time, by a much more capable chef. That’s really all it needs. Oh, and way more cheese.”

I like to hold power tools sideways like I’m a gangster thug comin’ straight outta Compton but instead of capping fool’s asses I’m installing a muthahfuckin’ spice rack for my bitchass grandma. Holla!

Luckily, going to grandma prison only means lack of seconds on the mashed taters whereas going to state prison means getting your taters mashed in seconds.

It’s important to get painful experiences out of the way when you’re a child…like circumcision or having an imagination.

The technology of the iphone is pretty cool but what I’m really looking forward to are the star trek-y future cellphones that don’t cause a cancerous tumor to grow in my sexy brain.