Do Not Ridicule My Religion

Please do not ridicule my religion. You have your beliefs and I have mine. So you believe dinosaurs lived with humans? Well, I think that’s ridiculous. Dinosaurs lived with the Ancient Astronauts and they were not human.

That is what I believe.

The story of creation is quite simple in my religion – the Ancient Astronauts made a peace treaty with the dinosaurs (they called them “Reptites”) but were double crossed by King T-Rex. So, the leader of the Ancient Astronauts was forced to blow up the planet and move to the moon (they called it “Craterland”) for several million years.

Eventually, the Ancient Astronauts repopulated Earth and created mankind with special test tubes and other science-y astronaut magic. And here we are.

Why is that so hard to believe? Why must you spray-paint blasphemy on my church (garage) door? I’m a God-fearing (my God, not yours) member of society just like you – so what if I wear a spacesuit and gravity boots once a week? The boots not only pay homage to our forefathers but also correct my fallen arches.

And you’re right, I don’t believe in prescription drugs, contraception or drinking wine. The blood in my religion is Moon Juice (Mountain Dew) and the body is represented by Space Sandwiches (cheeseburgers). So please don’t interrupt me while I’m praying in my beanbag chair to our lord and savior – Fozzie Bear.

Oh, you didn’t know that the Muppets are the direct descendants of the Ancient Astronauts? I bet you also didn’t know that I’m unemployed and haven’t kissed a girl in three years. Well, it’s all part of my religion and I don’t deserve to be persecuted for it.

I agree that your religious text is more impressive than mine. But as soon as I get a new box of crayons, worshipers will flock to read from the holy (Muppets In Space coloring book) scripture. My nephew Jared promises to visit as soon as he’s old enough to make the pilgrimage (ride the bus).

Please do not ridicule my religion. You have your beliefs and I have mine. So you believe the afterlife consists of heaven and hell? Well, I think that’s ridiculous. Fozzie Bear waits upon his lunar throne in the afterlife near Moon Juice Lake and Space Sandwich Mountain.

That is what I believe.