Respect Your General

Remember reading Julius Caesar in sophomore English? I do, because it was last month. Shakespeare wrote “cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war,” which sounds pretty rad. But guess what?

Shakespeare never met my mom.

The “dogs of war” can’t slip anywhere when they’re cooped up in a kennel because mom didn’t pay the internet bill. Thanks, mom, for keeping General Gunderson away from his troops.

You’d think that a gnome warlock, so small in stature, wouldn’t be able to lead dozens of soldiers into the thick of battle. You’d be wrong.

Commanding the forces of the Alliance in the Arathi Basin battleground is simple, really – each of the five bases that you control awards points, and the goal is to get to 2,000 points first.

General Gunderson knows his Basin, and he knows how best to use his troops. Little do these WoW-soldiers know that when they sign up for a fun fifteen-minute battleground, they’re about to be led by a commander who makes George Patton look like George Pickett.

This General has led his troops to victory over 600 times in the last 3 years. Like Washington leading his army across the Delaware, Gunderson bravely plows through the rushing bandwidth of the RoadRunner Rubicon to defend the Alliance.

I know that new, untrained recruits are largely unreliable. I don’t even get to choose them, but I do my duty to the Alliance and I don’t complain. So when we’re transported to the Basin, I survey my soldiers, come up with the best plan of attack, and then I instruct my army. But do these n00bs heed the advice of their experienced commanding officer?

You tell me:

FlyinHaiAgin: ok u fagz group 1 go to stables group 2 go to mine group 3 go with me to blacksmith
glansHammer: fuck u
FlyinHaiAgin: wat
glansHammer: i said fuck u

The battle begins and these asstards just run willy-nilly through the Basin trying to kill shit. They don’t respect strategy and it’s every man for himself.

SURPRISE! We lose.

Listen, losing happens. I’m not a stupid kid, I know it’s normal. I also know that a good General does whatever he can to help his troops improve. A General is a leader, mentor and spiritual adviser, and General Gunderson is the best at all three.

When we’re about to lose, I always debrief my army:

FlyinHaiAgin: u fuckin idiots why the fuck don’t u listen to me we COULD HAVE WON
kewpiesquirt: wtf? shut up who died and made u boss
FlyinHaiAgin: i did n00b
kewpiesquirt: stfu retard

They’ll learn. Kewpiesquirt is a gnome, too, and gnomes have a +15 racial Intellect bonus, so he’ll learn even faster. But for now, I have to trudge through the seas of my soldiers’ blood that fill the Arathi Basin every 15 minutes.

I keep my head held high, as every good leader does, hoping against hope that better days are in store for the Alliance. If only these assholes would FUCKING LISTEN to General Gunderson, those days would be here like…tomorrow.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, this “dog of war” needs to blitzkrieg the kitchen and get his motherly-quartermaster to microwave some rations.

TOTINO’S!!!! lol

Gerald Gunderson is JuliusBloop.com’s Gaming Correspondent. He writes out of Gary, Indiana.
Follow his journey – Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – These Kids Have No Game