Moms Are For Real Life Only

I bet you’ve all wondered where I’ve been. Wanna know? Worst summer vacation ever.

Srsly.

Those of you concerned chiefly with my studies and professional well-being will be relieved – I pwned the 10th grade. GENERAL GUNDERSON IS A JUNIOR, BABY! lol.

So there I am, seated on top of the epic flying mount of life, Honor Roll scroll in hand [and the Pizza Hut Scholars coupon I won LOL], ready to cruise into a 3-month tour of duty serving the Alliance.

As gaggles of gnomes wait patiently for my leadership to begin, as hoardes of orcs soil their loincloths, fearing the Wrath of Gunderson, I march triumphantly through the gates of Ironforge.

Amid the cheers of humans, dwarves, night elves and gnomes alike, I hear a matron’s piercing squeal.

“GERRY! I want to play The Warcraft, too.”

Yes, even legendary Generals have mothers.

And how am I to say no to Mother Gunderson, whose VISA card bankrolls our army?

I wasn’t about to share my Alienware war machine, so we, like Sadat and Begin at Camp David, reached a historically-singular compromise. Mother Gunderson would make her own account on my stupid stepdad’s pr0n box.

And thus the human priestess “GundoMomz” was born. I hadn’t quested in Goldshire and Elwynn since I was a n00b like her, but I helped her out anyway. When she hit level 10, she was on her own and at the mercy of Westfall’s Defias Brotherhood.

Boy, was that a mistake.

Everyone on my realm knows The Gunderson. That’s why all the haters to whom I’ve delivered pwnage in the Nagrand Arena told her I was a fag.

biQQrious: yo gundomomz ur kid sux d00dz lol
GundoMomz: What?
biQQrious: u heard me bitch lol

So, I’m in Alterac Valley trudging toward the Frostwolf towers when my mom knocks on the door and asks, “Gerry, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Well, it was almost as if I was a warrior casting Bloodrage. I lost it. My mom stormed out when I yelled at her and I AFK’d the battleground to go into trade chat.

FlyinHaiAgin: who the FUCK is telling my mom that im a fukkin fag i’ll fukkin KILL U
biQQrious: shut up fgt
FlyinHaiAgin: biQQrious where do u live
biQQrious: maryland why
FlyinHaiAgin: ok i need 2 kno where 2 drive so i can rape ur gf and burn down her house

Unfortunately, GundoMomz was sitting in Stormwind. She saw it all. Guess who got grounded for 2 months? The General, that’s who, and it doesn’t even matter that he got provoked into defending his good name. And Blizzard, in a shocking move that showed an utter lack of concern for the Alliance’s well-being, banned me for 30 days.

Ok, you say, Gerald has been gone for like three months, which is more than 30 days. What gives?

She sent me to Bible Camp. SHE SENT ME TO FUCKING BIBLE CAMP. For a month. She said it would cleanse me of my urges and maybe help me lose weight.

But the joke’s on GundoMomz. I left for camp with a suspension from my troops and a mom who thinks I fap to Orlando Bloom and I came back with two loves: my hawt new internet gf and My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Yeah, my gf plays WoW, too. She’s a sexy night elf druid and we have a Christians-only guild together called {Jesus is my Epic Trinket} Praise Jesus and Pwn the Horde!!11

And what about GundoMomz? She’s Level 28 now and sews tailoring shit in Stormwind all day. Someone should log on and tell her to do some goddamn sewing IRL… like fixing the Wranglers I ripped today playing DDR.

Here it is mid-July and my dream summer of leading the Shattered Sun Offensive is pretty much gone thanks to my FUCKING MOM. My ban finally gets lifted in two hours so I’ll be back with another article soon.

In the meantime, I’m going to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy.

Peace!

Gerald Gunderson is JuliusBloop.com’s Gaming Correspondent. He writes out of Gary, Indiana.
Follow his journey
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – Respect your General
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – These Kids Have No Game