Searching For My Soul Mate

Greetings, most gracious readers. As I sit here at my desk in the Customer Service Department at the Doolittle Shopping Center Sears, I’ve become quite clear of one thing: I would like to find someone.

My last real girlfriend was Loretta Chung. She didn’t seem to think my passion for 17th Century Central Asian Law was a good enough excuse to forget our first year anniversary. The nerve of some people. Truth be told, Loretta wasn’t really right for me.

It’s just so hard to meet that special someone among all of these knuckle-dragging Neanderthals. My standards might be what some call “unrealistic”, but I’ve never settled for anything in my 34 years of solitude, from my modest but sufficient apartment to my perfect pet ferret – Mindaugus.

I certainly don’t plan on settling on a life partner.

Speaking of Mindaugus, I need to find him a more suitable living container. I got home last night after a grueling eight hours of getting RETURN after RETURN after RETURN of a recently recalled baby pacifier, which was said to have traces of rat excrement, when I stumble upon Mindaugus just laying on his back, staring at the top of his cage with that far away stare – looking off into sweet oblivion.

I’ve seen that look before…

Every time I glanced into a reflective surface and caught a glimpse of my mug before I moved in to this apartment. Let’s just say my previous living arrangement was…undesirable to mind, body and ferret.

I digress.

To all the females – I wish to extend an invitation. If you’d like to spend evenings with a man and his ferret, discussing the pros and cons of Peruvian Prime Minister Jorge Del Castillo, then you’re the one I’m looking for. Just come down to the Customer Service Department at the Doolittle Shopping Center Sears Store.

So help me God, though, if you’re returning a pair of elastic waist pants that you thought your “big boned” grandmother would love…don’t bother.