It’s A Real Zoo Out There

This past weekend was the annual “Bring Your Asshole Pet to the Doolittle Shopping Center” event.

I can’t even begin to describe the asinine amount of morbidly obese couples who decided that today, of ALL days, was the best time to not only drag their crippled mutt from its doggy-bed to my Sear’s Customer Service counter, but also return their Zark Brand Homemade Pasta Machine.

It seems as though they were disappointed when, instead of healthy homemade pasta helping them lose weight and thereby see their toes or genitals for the first time in decades, they returned the appliance because they can’t follow instructions.

You see, Myrtle and Dwayne failed to read the very important bit that read, and I quote, “MUST COOK PASTA AFTER USING MACHINE”. These people are about as inept as the Karnatakan Congress!

I digress..

Not only am I completely fed up with human beings at this point, somehow I’ve grown to dislike the animal kingdom with a burning white heat. My trusty pet ferret Mindaugus aside, I could go without ever having to see another furry, four-legged, crotch-licking, anus-sniffing, haggard excuse for a life-form for the rest of my exemplary life.

My aversion to animals other than Mindaugus stems from their insufficient mental capacity. This could have something to do with their supposed “Master” treating them as though they were a true member of their “family”.

With Mindaugus and I, it’s more of an understanding than a blood-bound familial relationship. He knows that his TRUE duty is to rid me of the rats and mice that have been boring holes in my walls, effectively increasing my rent by 1.445x.

In his ferret-y eyes, I exist to fill his dish, clean up after his defecations and, once in a while, scratch the back of his ear where his minuscule little arms just aren’t able to reach. Truth be told…he does the same for me.

Either way, I’m going to make a STRONG case in front of the board of directors at the Doolittle Shopping Center to once and for ALL banish the annual “Hey, Moron! Bring Your Asshole Pet to the Doolittle Shopping Center” day.