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The August sun is hotter than Hell which only means that the August videogames are hotter than Hell Hell!

Madden NFL 09

They keep cranking a new edition of this game year after year and I fail to see much improvement. I know that Steven Madden is the biggest name in the National Footwear League but this franchise needs to be taken out back and buried in a box. A shoebox.
Score = Shoes

Braid

French it, twist it and tighten up those cornrows in this Hannah Montana braid simulator for the Nintendo DS. Using the stylus can be difficult when you’re talking to boys, doing your nails and texting your girls all at the same time but the soundtrack from the Jonas Brothers more than makes up for it.
Score = OMG LOL

Bionic Commando Rearmed

I was incredibly upset when the bionic commando lost his arms at the end of the first game - so imagine my elation when Blizzard Studios announced they…rearmed him! The box art is laughingly poor but any chance us gamers get to take out the evil Dr. Wily is a welcome one.
Score = 9.999

Strong Bad: Episode One

More like Weak Bad – Episode Dumb. The controls stink, the graphics stink and the disc literally smells like rotten dumpster meat. I like the online comic strip that it’s based on but someone needs to tell those fellas to stick to making fun of videogames and stop trying to make them.
Score = 0.01

SIREN: Blood Curse

Simon Belmot is whipping his way back to Dracula’s Transylvanian Castle. Capcom has ditched the Metroid-style gameplay for something totally new. Think Rygar meets Super Dodgeball meets Sim Ant and you’re halfway there.
Score = 5.5

Geometry Wars 2

You’d think that a fighting game starring mathematical shapes would be boring. You’d think it’d sucked balls for breakfast. You’d be wrong. Isosceles Triangle’s uneven side attack is cool but look out for the totally lopsided moves of Rhombus!
Score = 3.14159265358979323846…

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Sonic The Hedgehog

Patience is a virtue in this turn-based strategy classic that brought dwarves and wizards from twenty-sided die to your TV screen. The graphics are outdated and new gamers might hate the sluggish pace but all you hogwart fans should count your Sonic blessings because there’d be no Harry The Potter without Sonic The Hedgehog!
Score = 100.5

With all of the great blockbusters in the movie theater it’s easy to forget about the blockbusters in your videogame theaters!

Final Fantasy IV

It’s hard to believe this mediocre monster-hunting franchise has lasted four installments but Retro Studios keeps cranking them out. I have a feeling, though, that this will indeed be the last one. The final fantasy, if you will.
Score = 4.3

Soul Caliber IV

.22 .44 .Soul! Choose your caliber and blast through nine frenetic levels of brutal light gun shootery. Each console features an exclusive character including Scott Baio, Erik Estrada and Hitler!
Score = 7.8

Izuna 2: The Unemployed Ninja Returns

After three years with a job, Izuna returns as the unemployed ninja we all know and love. Drink sake, watch TV and change the channel with a ninja star – who knows, maybe you’ll beat the game and impregnate a fellow deadbeat ninja!
Score = Get a Job

Sid Meier’s Civilization Revolution

Sid Meier, the revolutionary leader of civilization games releases the most redundantly-titled game since Joe Montana’s NFL Football ’94.
Score = Score Score Score

Guitar Hero: Aerosmith

Riding the coattails of Guitar Hero 1 and 2, Aerosmith debuts the only game that lets you play whatever the hell songs Aerosmith plays. Dream on? Nap on! And I tried playing this game with my standard controller instead of the guitar and Steven Tyler’s giant fish-mouth literally yelled at me.
Score = Cryin’?!

Final Fantasy Tactics A2

I can’t w8 4 B3!
Score = 9.9

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Contra

Spanish for “against” this seminal Atari title pits contenders…against…each other. Karate guy vs. Sumo. Baseball player vs. Lawyer. Fun vs. Awesome!
Score = 10 million

Summer blockbusters are upon us and I’m happier than a gay flower in a cotton candy bowl of rainbows.

The Dark Knight

Dingle Donk (Jack Black) is a mild mannered mailman from modern day Minnesota until he’s accidentally sent back to medieval times as a court jester! My favorite line is when Dingle Donk spills a goblet of wine on the Dark Knight and says, “It looks good on your chainmail…really brings out the color of your helmet!” Also, the five minute fart scene is classic.
Thumb Score = A

Wall-E

Steve Guttenberg somehow managed to produce this direct-to-video third installment in the Short Circuit series and I wish he hadn’t. Johnny 5 looks like crap in CG and why is it a musical? Editor’s Note: Bette Midler’s knockers still look good.
Thumb Score = B-

Hancock

Oliver Stone takes a pointed look at the man behind the notoriously large signature. John Goodman’s portrayal of John Hancock is the most powerful John performance since John Hurt played John Graham in Rob Roy.
Thumb Score = John

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

It took twelve years, four hundred million dollars and a dozen lives but Mel Gibson finally finished his opus. The gold is real, the army is Jesus and Tim Curry is Hell.
Thumb Score = A+

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Part Willy Wonka, part Indiana Jones, all Debbie Does Dallas. A routine archaeological dig for ancient chocolate turns into an orgy of Caligula proportions. Who greenlit this? Might as well make a film combining Battlefield Earth, Deepthroat and Blue’s Clues. Actually…
Thumb Score = F

Mamma Mia

That’s a spicy meatball! Seriously, it’s a documentary on shaping spiced ground beef into balls and Morgan Spurlock somehow manages to make it really exciting. 325º of awesome!
Thumb Score = B+

***Classic Uninformed Review***

The Godfather

Spike Lee captured the hearts and minds of millions when he released this racially-charged, seminal film in 1978. Clint Eastwood’s blackface character caused quite a stir and he has since completely distanced himself from the role, going so far as to digitally replace himself with Marlon Brando in a recently released “special edition.”
Thumb Score = A++

The healing power of June cinema beckons. My wife left me, my kids routinely poison my cereal and the dog has lost interest in licking my face.

I even smothered myself in honey and all I got was a weird rash. Luckily, no one can see my grotesquely blemished epidermis and battered pride in the back of the theater.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I grew up loving Indiana Jones but I was disappointed with this fifth installment of the quadrilogy. Schwarzenegger is getting a bit long in the tooth, short in the muscles and medium in the unintelligible rambling.
Thumb Score = T1000

The Incredible Hulk

Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on the movies, brother? This grossly self-indulgent biopic caused Hulk Hogan to split from his wife of 38 years and it’s the Walk The Line of 2008. Dwayne Johnson’s portrayal of The Rock is so good it’s like they made a wax figure of him and somehow brought that wax figure to life using magic. Movie magic!
Thumb Score = B-

Kung Fu Panda

The followup to the 2007 comedy masterpiece, Waiting, pits Harold and Kumar in a Chinese restaurant that seems normal except for one thing – a rival Asian restaurant stole their panda mascot named Mai Bawls! “Don’t eat Mai Bawls” is destined to be the catchphrase of the summer.
Thumb Score = Mai Bawls

Get Smart

The creators of Hooked on Phonics and Mega Reading Masters finally made a movie about learning. And guess what? It’s r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d.
Thumb Score = FFFF

The Love Guru

Julia Roberts and Richard Gere team up once again for what’s sure to be the romantic comedy of the month. Roberts and Gere or “Rere” as I refer to them, pay homage to Pretty Woman by copying the classic film frame by frame with an updated wardrobe. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and, honey, this is about as “ain’t broke” as they don’t not come!
Thumb Score = A+

The Happening

Yo, what’s happening? The movie I saw last night. What’s it called? The Happening. What’s happening? The movie I saw last night! What movie? The Happening! I know but what’s it called? THE HAPPENING! THE MOVIE IS CALLED “THE HAPPENING”. Oh, okay. So…what happens?
Thumb Score = F

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Don’t tell me what to do, Dr. Phil. The last time I listened to you, my wife divorced me and she took the couch. My couch. Now I sit on a series of crushed cardboard boxes that are crudely strewn together with duct tape, gum and hairballs. I think I might just poke that Zohan right in his Zohan-y face just to spite you and your fat red beard.
Thumb Score = D-

***Classic Uninformed Review***

E.T.

The two little letters that started an adult film revolution. Francis Ford Coppola set out to tear down gender roles and liberate the world’s sexuality - and he did it all with a young Marilyn Chambers, an old Rock Hudson and two little letters meaning…‘Elephant Tits.’
Thumb Score = A++-+

June is like the Christmas of the summer and this year is rocking off my summer holiday socks.

The world will be immersed in videogames because the sun is too hot and no one wants to have sex - so lets get gaming!

Metal Gear Solid 4

Tick, tock, tick, tock – all four solid-metal gears of Dracula’s clock are deadly in this haunting new survival horror from the producers of Silent Hill: the movie. Milla Jovovich’s voice acting is superb and her full-frontal nudity makes this the first ever AO-rated game.
Score - !!!

Wii Fit

The long-awaited sequel to Pikmin II is here and it’s guaranteed to scramble your noodle. How many wii creatures can securely hide in a can of sardines? If you fit all three hundred, you unlock a hilarious cinema scene featuring a donkey and talking bonsai tree.
Score - 9.73lbs

The Incredible Hulk

The videogame based on the movie based the other movie that was based on the comic book is as terrible as the action figure based on the original TV show.
Score - SMASH

Ninja Gaiden II

Hello, 1991! The NES has been re-released on the Xbox 260 and this game is the cornerstone of the launch. I still can’t beat the dragon boss but hey, Shinobi’s boobs look awesome in HD.
Score - 9.6

Civilization Revolution

What would the world be like if Hitler won World War II? Nintendo wants you to know! The customizable mustache feature is the most detailed since the Atari 2600’s Magnum PI game.
Score - 7.8

Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness

By the time I finished reading the title I was married and pregnant with my third child. And I’m a man. This game is magic.
Score - 8.4

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Donkey Kong

In 1965, President Eisenhower commissioned Japan’s best and brightest to develop a machine to fight communism. The result was a yellow dot, stuck in a maze with ghosts and other dots. They called it “Ronkey Rong” which is Japanese for Donkey Kong.
Score - 10.9327

Now that it’s May and I’m starting to get sunburned there’s only one place to go…

Aunt Rhubarb’s house! Oh, and the movie theater because Aunt Rhubarb kicks me out when her “friend” Gary comes over.

Speed Racer

It ain’t fast. It ain’t racy. It ain’t a blast like Kevin Spacey. Actually, he’s not in this movie, I just wanted that to rhyme. This movie gave me a frikkin’ seizure. The bad kind.
Thumb Score = B

What Happens In Vegas

The spiritual successor to the 1987 classic, Innerspace, this film takes a serious look at traveling through the organs of a man named Vegas in a tiny spaceship. Look out for those anti-bodies, Jake Gyllenhaal!
Thumb Score = C

Baby Mama

What would happen if a baby had a baby? The Wayans Brothers are just scandalous enough to find out! My favorite scene is when the baby mama is changing the baby’s diaper and then goes, “Now who gunna change MY diapee?” hahaha!
Thumb Score = A

Iron Man

Da da dada da. Dada dada da da dada da. Ozzy can’t act.
Thumb Score = D-

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Harry Potter is back and this time he’s battling the wicked Prince of the Caspian Sea. Dumbledore is brought back from the dead only to be killed again – this time by the evil sorceror AIDs.
Thumb Score = A-

Made of Honor

1 cup Cuba Gooding Jr, ½ tbsp of Robert De Niro, 4 gallons of Sean Connery and a dash of Andy Garcia and you’ve got yourself a movie made of honor. Too bad it tastes like crap.
Thumb Score = F

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Chinatown

Only Stanley Kubrick could have pulled off adapting a Chinese takeout menu into a landmark film. It’s a film is so delicious that you’re only full for half an hour before you’re hungry to more…film!

Wow, April! You were so awesome that I didn’t write about your games. Well, don’t worry, weirdos. I’m going back to the future like that Corey Feldman movie and writing reviews anyway!

Grand Theft Auto IV

After three grueling months in development, Bungie Studios has finally released the long awaited final chapter in this popular racing franchise. It’s four times grander, four times theftier and four times more auto-y.
Score - 10.9

Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII

Notoriously arrogant producer Richard Garriott decided to skip one through six and go straight to number seven and boy does it live up to the hype! Similar to strange niche titles like Stretch Panic and Katamari Damacy, Crisis Core ups the bizarreness ante by letting the player control a radioactive booger that needs to soak in a bathtub of milk in order to get a date for prom. Finally a game about this!
Score - $%$()

Okami

Strange name. Dumb game. Who’s to blame? IGN!
ProTip: Pronounce the ‘N’ like you’re from the south and it’ll rhyme better.
Score - 4.6

Mario Kart Wii

The wii version of this food-shopping simulator from Sim’s Creator Will Wright blows away the PS3 and Xbox 360 installments. They’ve added more aisles, more meat and an amazingly detailed create-your-own seafood department. Using the wiimote to control the shopping karts is just like real life…just don’t pick the kart with that one darned broken wheel! lol.
Score - 8.6

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Darkness

The most secretive and mystifying game to creep out of the shadows of cryptic intrigue since Milon’s Secret Castle. Can you catch ‘em all? Can you even see any of them? The game is so mysterious that the disc is invisible!
Score - It’s a mystery

High School Musical 2: Work It Out

Can you masturbate faster than your best friend while backstage during a no-budget rendition of Our Town? Well, apparently I can.
Score - 7.1

***Classic Uninformed Review***

The Legend of Zelda

Originally designed as a Chuck E. Cheese exclusive arcade game, Atari brought this trackball-controlled space shooter home in 1985 and it’s been at the top of the video game world ever since. The classic Konami code still works to give the Zelda spaceship infinite fuel!
Score - 10.9901

April flowers bring May showers and this year’s crop smells great.

Typically a dry time for the silver screen, 2008 is shaping up to be the best April since ‘94.

I can literally smell the popcorn burning. Oh, crap, my microwave is on fire!

Forbidden Kingdom

Ghosts, goblins and the female orgasm reign supreme in the lost Kingdom of Forbiddia. Bruce Lee’s still got it, ladies!
Thumb Score = B+

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

An updated version of 80’s comedy farce Weekend At Bernie’s, this movie will make you laugh the pants off your butt. Terry Kiser, Bernie himself, makes a cameo in the sexy, yet PG-13, pool scene. Hilarious!
Thumb Score = A-

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Probably the most gripping documentary of the year, we’ll see what President Bush has to say about this latest offering from that thin, lovable scamp - Michael Moore. The look on Dick Cheney’s face after he accidentally shoots his friend with an arrow is worth the price of admission.
Thumb Score = B+

Street Kings

Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney are back together in this sequel to the 1999 blockbuster Three Kings. The boys are scouring the world looking for more gold and this time they might just find some…under the streets. The scene where Ice Cube raps about gold while Clooney shows off his gold teeth will go down in the annals of cinema as the goldest scene of all time.
Thumb Score = A-

21

The Olsen Twins can finally buy liquor and how do they spend their 21st birthday? By swapping identities and trying to hook up their divorced parents? I hated it.
Thumb Score = D-

Run, Fat Boy, Run

The classic Dr. Seuss book comes to life with superstars Dan Hedaya and Harvey Fierstein lending their voices. Sun, Bat Toy, Sun…Run, Fat Boy, Run. It’s Suessitacularistic!
Thumb Score = A

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Citizen Kane

The Bond film that started them all…Orson Wells as James Bond, Adam West as Q and Dolly Parton as Titty Chesterfield and who can forget The Beatles’ songs?
Thumb Score = AA++

March is when a film you’ve never heard of - fails to become a classic you’ll never forget!

Horton Hears A Who

Based on a children’s book written by Walt Disney that was inspired by a comedy routine by Laurel and Hardy that was influenced by an encounter between a mentally disabled child and an intoxicated Babe Ruth - this movie’s got it all!
Thumb Score = A

Bank Job

More like Blow Job. Seriously, this movie details the struggles of a family living in a windmill. You’re a thief, Michael Bay.
Thumb Score = F-

The Other Boleyn Girl

When the previous Boleyn girl turns out to be a boy, it’s up to the other Boleyn girl to, in fact, be a girl. It’s a lot like that movie Ladybugs starring Sam Kinison and Ricky Schroeder but without all the basketball.
Thumb Score = B+

10,000 B.C.

A mob of ten thousand blind conquerors descend on the sacred lands of Audiopia to crush the audiophiles and end the War of the Senses once and for all. The computer generated Macaulay Culkin is awesome.
Thumb Score = B

Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns

Apparently Mr. Perry thinks he owns the movies. Well, sorry, but you don’t, Mr. Perry. The only person that owns the movies is Mr. Hollywood and his hindi life-partner Mr. Bollywood. Bollywood is a “bottom”.
Thumb Score = B-

Semi-Pro

Half the professionalism - twice the laughter! Robin Williams doesn’t miss a step and Shaquille O’Neal’s acting skills have grown leaps and bounds since Space Jam. It’s a home run and a slam dunk rolled into a touchdown!
Thumb Score = A-

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Star Wars

An epic battle for the talent show spotlight creates a rift between two rival families, the Skywalkers and the Vaders. Marlon Brando’s portrayal of the evil talent show judge takes the cake. And then he eats it. Because he’s fat.
Thumb Score = A+++

March comes in like a lion and out like a sheep. This month features a few titles that are King of the Jungle as well as a couple sleep-inducing games that’ll have you counting sheep.

Fortunately, these lions of gaming are crapping wool.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Fraternal blood is shed as the Baldwin brothers, Wayans and four of the Jackson five (sorry, no Michael) square off in this familial fighter. Console exclusive characters like Peyton and Eli Manning as well as my favorite, the Marx Brothers, make this is a winner regardless of which system you own. Protip – Use Harpo’s Horn to counter Tito’s Afro Attack.
Score - 9.1

God of War: Chains of Olympus

Theology aside, it was inevitable that a cell-shaded first-person-shooter starring Jesus would hit the shelves but who knew it’d be so crucifixalicious!? Dear Rockstar, holy water acid-blood was a brilliant touch.
Score - 9.3

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney

It’s odd that Konami would publish a lawyer game based on the death of Apollo Creed from Rocky IV. What’s next? A courtroom game set in Phoenix about the first flight of the Wright Brothers called Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney? It’s almost too absurd to imagine.
Score - 7.4

Army of Two

Where was Army of One? Someone tell those stuffed shirts at Ubi Soft that a sequel only makes sense if there is a predecessor. And the graphics suck.
Score - 3.7

Patapon

Plapadon, Pootapoo! I hate this game.
Score - 0.01

Professor Layton and the Curious Village

While on sabbatical from University, Professor Layton stumbles upon a very curious village. Can you prepare an intellectually stimulating syllabus amidst such curious villagers? The suicide button is the reason for the Mature rating.
Score - Curious

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Metroid

Metrosexual humanoids need love too and this groundbreaking dating-sim for the Atari 2600 stands the test of time. Don’t be fooled by the spacesuit, fellas, you never know if that bounty hunter is just another boy or a gorgeous intergalactic blonde bombshell!
Score - 10.11