All I need is my Grandma’s flower dress and some food to barf. Twenty-five years of torment came to a screeching halt the day grandma died and willed me a single item – not a dime, not an acre, but a pretty yellow sundress. Light, flowing and patterned in flowers, this feminine garment laid snugly over my masculine body from the moment I tried it on at the morgue. Each flower pedal perfectly printed as though Monet himself returned from [...]
Looking back, a human/octopus relationship could never work. I can’t breathe underwater, my ink tolerance is pedestrian at best and who can compete with all of those appendages? Nevertheless, my aquatic rendezvous with Oggy the octopus changed my life forever. The night seemed to be coming to a close as I bid adieu to my seahorse friend, Krista. We shared many tales, long and short, over mugs of grog at a local pirate bar until she was forced to return [...]
I wrote the following sketch as part of the application process to become a writer for Portland Live Wire! Six Dollar Burger INT. Daytime – Fast Food Joint. Adult male (customer) and teenage boy (cashier). Cashier: Welcome to Carl’s Burger – home of the six dollar burger. How can i help you? Customer: Yeah, let me get one of those famous six buck burgers. Cashier: Alright if there’s nothing else today, that’ll be six dollars. Customer: Great, let me grab [...]
Life’s rough when you’re a homeless baby. No blankey for warmth, no boobie for food and no babysitter to wipe your behind. Yup, life’s rough when you’re a transient toddler. Unless you’re Boxcar Baby Pete, that is. Nary an infant alive could survive the streets like Baby Pete. Heck, the first night of sleeping in a newspaper vending machine would bring about an untimely end for most tots. But Pete’s a scrappy crapper and it takes more than a chilly [...]
The story of Scoop McGoop takes place in the fearful town of Floop. As the odd foreman of the Gloop Factory, Scoop McGoop never quite fit in with the other Floops. His shoes were too big for his little feet and his hat was too small for his big head. One day, Sherry Shoop – daughter of Terry Shoop, owner of the Gloop Factory, decided to make an impromptu visit to the lowly workers below. Aghast at the poor conditions [...]
Please do not ridicule my religion. You have your beliefs and I have mine. So you believe dinosaurs lived with humans? Well, I think that’s ridiculous. Dinosaurs lived with the Ancient Astronauts and they were not human. That is what I believe. The story of creation is quite simple in my religion – the Ancient Astronauts made a peace treaty with the dinosaurs (they called them “Reptites”) but were double crossed by King T-Rex. So, the leader of the Ancient [...]
You need directions? Well, you could take the bus because it’s the most reliable mode of transportation around. But they recently raised fares and they’re always filled with “the crazies”, if you know what I mean. The bus is not the best option. The light rail is great, it’s moderately clean, spacious and generally affordable. Trouble is, the station is dangerous after dark and the ticket machines are always out of order no matter how hard you kick them. The [...]
Yo, my name is JR and I got a kid. Considered an accident at the time, visiting her is the happiest three days of my week.. If you don’t believe me, check my tattoo. It’s my baby girl’s name. Nah, not that one. That’s a dragon. Hello, my name is Kay – part-time blogger, full-time vegan. My passion is to spread the harmonious message of eco-conscious living. We are free to choose our path on God’s green Earth regardless of [...]
Not yet awake. I hear the mice in the ceiling again. I’m definitely calling the landlord today. Not now, though. Maybe later. I’m not hungry but I will be. I should probably figure out what to eat before that happens. Always be prepared. I’m a webelo. I can’t believe I lost my keys. I have spares for them all – but still. Some wacko is feverishly jamming my keys into every car, house and padlock across the city. Eventually he’ll [...]
I don’t often get drunk. Maybe once every few months. And when I say drunk I don’t mean buzzed like some pubescent tween sneaking a sip of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I mean drunk like slanted sidewalks, pink elephants, and Bukowski. Drunk like not remembering the precise order of events from night’s end. Some people have drunk personas that are violent – fighting innocent walls and cursing smudged mirrors. Some booze victims lose basic motors skills – barf on their popped-collared [...]
Copyright © 2012 Julius Bloop. All Rights Reserved.
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