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Revisionist History – Eli Whitney Discovers Blueberries

March 11, 2008 / Editorials

On a beautiful summer’s day in Bacontown, Georgia, Eli Whitney decided to take a break from cotton gin inventing to stroll around his enormous plantation. Feeling adventurous, he took an unfamiliar path and noticed a strange sun-drenched plant. “What the fuck is this shit?” Whitney rhetorically asked the bizarre shrub. Mildly confused and sort’ve intrigued, Whitney grabbed a handful of the mysterious blue-balled fruit and stuffed it directly into his fat, ugly face. Elated and fully aroused, Whitney hobbled back [...]

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Uninformed Reviews: Videogames – March 2008

March 10, 2008 / Uninformed Reviews

March comes in like a lion and out like a sheep. This month features a few titles that are King of the Jungle as well as a couple sleep-inducing games that’ll have you counting sheep. Fortunately, these lions of gaming are crapping wool. Super Smash Bros. Brawl Fraternal blood is shed as the Baldwin brothers, Wayans and four of the Jackson five (sorry, no Michael) square off in this familial fighter. Console exclusive characters like Peyton and Eli Manning as [...]

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KKK Lynch Alligator In Attempt To Prove They Just Really Like Hanging Stuff

March 6, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

People who talk to their dogs in public as if they were children should spend a moment with the lady on the 7-Eleven bench that talks to a diaper-wearing teddy bear. Everyone will learn a valuable lesson. Well, not the crazy teddy bear lady – she’ll just wipe the bear’s ass with newspaper and slam malt liquor. Gandhi’s most controversial quote was, “All I want is bitches…big booty bitches.” Wait…that was Notorious B.I.G.? Okay, that makes a lot more sense. [...]

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Craigslist Personal Ads Are Full Of Weirdos

March 4, 2008 / Editorials

The internet is a great place to find a soul mate. Simply type a list of your favorite movies or briefly explain your interest in food and Cupid’s arrow will be arriving shortly. Craigslist personal ads have a particular knack for being at times bizarre, confusing and quite often embarrassing. Let’s take a look at a few choice ads from my city of Portland, Oregon. NOTE: Click the picture to see the actual ad and icon description. Death Stare “Let’s [...]

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Miserable Traveler Can't Wait To Visit The Next Stupid Country

March 3, 2008 / Editorials

Where is my luggage? The flight’s delayed…again? Well, hurry up so I can get to my next horrible destination. Why did I come to Paris anyway? The people are indignant; the architecture is only impressive in postcard-form and the whole place reaks of rolled cigarettes and infidelity. I can’t wait to travel someplace equally terrible. Last year I burnt some frequent flyer miles on a trip to New Zealand after reading in an old Entertainment Weekly I found lying around [...]

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Menstruation Queen Silences Critics – Fills Kiddie Pool

February 28, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

“Cracker” is a Caucasian-targeted derogatory term that clearly references saltines – because Ritz crackers are noticeably tanner than I am. Graham crackers are the athletes of cracker town…but don’t tell them that. It’s a good thing humans can’t carry things ten times their body weight like ants. Trees would get their asses kicked by drunk dudes every night. On the other hand, the African Elephant Toss might finally get me interested in the Olympics. A lot of people tailor their [...]

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Maybe This Only Amuses Me – Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Clip

February 27, 2008 / Maybe This Only Amuses Me

Garth Marenghi – I’m A One Track Lover This is a short clip from a british show recently picked up by Adult Swim called Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. The show is a completely outlandish satire of 80′s horror/sci fi and is a must see if you’re a fan of absurd humor. It’s honestly the most ridiculous show I’ve ever seen.

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Uninformed Reviews: Movies – February 2008

February 25, 2008 / Uninformed Reviews

What a popcorn-chompingly good black history month it has been. A person could get so caught up in the glow of the silver screen that they forget to do their taxes! Seriously, I forgot to do my taxes and the government is coming after me. So I’m hiding in the back row of the local multiplex! Rambo Arnold is back as the lethal T-1000 Rambo sent from the future to terminate mankind. Schwarzenegger may be a little out of shape [...]

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Dog-People Populations Spill Into America's Suburbs

February 21, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

If I were a rock I’d want to live in a gentle stream or creek. Dry land is boring as hell when you’re a rock. Yup, a current of water would be an kick-ass party to me and my rock buddies. The self-checkout aisle at the supermarket is a great way to avoid judgmental clerks and still buy embarrassing personal items like condoms, hemorrhoid cream and Eskimo Balls Magazine. A stick to a child is a sword, to a teenager [...]

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Craigslist Personal Ads Are Full Of Weirdos

February 20, 2008 / Editorials

The internet is a great place to find a soul mate. Simply type a list of your favorite movies or briefly explain your interest in food and Cupid’s arrow will be arriving shortly. Craigslist personal ads have a particular knack for being at times bizarre, confusing and quite often embarrassing. Let’s take a look at a few choice ads from my city of Portland, Oregon. NOTE: Click the picture to see the actual ad and icon description. The Carpet of [...]

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The Top 5 Songs That Should Be Banished

February 18, 2008 / Editorials

Having grown disgruntled with hearing the same handful of awful songs all the time – I’ve decided to ban some of them. Feel free to add your own submissions to the list by commenting. Satisfaction (The Rolling Stones) Okay, maybe not a lifetime ban since it was once a pretty great song but lets please put it on hiatus. Five years should suffice. Not only will the classic Keith Richards guitar lick not sound during this mandatory sentence but no [...]

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Uncle Goink's Banjo Time Turns Creepily Into Uncle Goink's Manjo Time

February 14, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

You know you’re getting old when you can’t eat certain foods anymore. I used to inhale cheese-slathered beef nachos and my iron stomach wouldn’t waver. Now, I need to confirm the distance to the nearest restroom before sipping a glass of vitamin water. My first menstruation is going to be scary because I don’t even have a vagina. Can we do something about that hard plastic packaging that is impossible to open and will literally cut you? I recently saw [...]

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