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Maybe This Only Amuses Me – Jack Handey's Shouts & Murmurs

June 6, 2008 / Maybe This Only Amuses Me

The Symbols On My Flag (And What They Mean) By Jack Handey The bra and panties stand for women’s rights. Davy Crockett shaking hands with Daniel Boone symbolizes how we need to put aside our differences. The skull and crossbones, in the lower right corner, stands for pirates, and all that they have given us. The angel holding the sword represents how guns are nice but swords are more of a “heavenly” thing. The plow with the four-leaf clover symbolizes [...]

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This Week In Florida: Seven-Year-Old Joyride

June 4, 2008 / Editorials

Seven-Year-Old Steals Grandma’s SUV Florida is evil. It is a hellmouth. The panhandle also known as Satan’s flaccid penis has once again spread its wings (Note: Satan’s penis is so evil, it has wings). This week, a seven-year-old stole his grandmother’s SUV and crashed it into a ton of crap. His rationale? He wanted to do “hoodrat stuff” because “it’s fun to do bad things”. Chop. Off. Florida.

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Craigslist Personal Ads Are Full Of Weirdos

June 4, 2008 / Editorials

At first glance this ad is misleading. It reads as if some creepy trucker-dude (or old lesbian) with a black Michelob hat and ragged-mustache wants to get his freak on. But its not. It’s actually fabled 70′s cartoon icon – ‘Stachie! ‘Stachie was the star of several classic animated porn flicks that were the adult industry’s effort to attract the Looney Tunes-obsessed youth market. While facing a massive pair of sexy lady legs, ‘Stachie! would look outward, tongue flailing and [...]

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Waking Up Is The Worst Part Of My Day

June 3, 2008 / Editorials

That dinosaur is beeping at me! Why is a horny triceratops making that god-awful sound? Oh, it’s not a noisy dinosaur…it’s my goddamn alarm clock. How depressing – it’s time to wake up. Opening my eyes after a beautiful night of sleep is the worst part of my day. I immediately roll over, slam the pillow over my head and dread the countless activities of waking consciousness that await me like a gauntlet of never-ending crap. That nightmare I had [...]

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State of the Bloop Address – Comments Needed

June 2, 2008 / Updates

No sun today. Bloop activities are going pretty well – the Jolene Podcast has over 20 subscribers and some weirdo called me an “escaped retard“. Yay! I demand you leave comments. All of you. You know who you are. Mike, Kyle, Grandpa Bonerface and Cookies the rabid rabbit. I need your comments as a means to reinforce that, yes, people do actually read this crap and as a way for us to come together. I would like to wish Greg [...]

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Maybe This Only Amuses Me – Neil Hamburger

June 1, 2008 / Maybe This Only Amuses Me

Neil Hamburger – Jimmy Kimmel Live Neil Hamburger is a brilliant character-based stand up comedian that I think is hilarious. Basically, he is satirizing an awful, washed-up, Vegas comedian. The result are fantastic and I’m going to see him live in a couple of weeks. Enjoy.

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Perpetual Thought Machine – Two Squids, One Bucket Dominates Internet

May 30, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

MTVh1 had Donald Trump III on Space Cribs last night and his residence pod was beyond typical extravagance. Sure, he had oil lamps and a hangar filled with luxury air cars but I almost feinted when they revealed his banana tree. I didn’t think anyone outside of the Royal Intergalactic family could afford a flarking banana tree! Kids say the darndest things. Like one time my nephew said, “Can I have an orange soda?” I was like, “Haha, what other [...]

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"Tire On Asian Grandma" – Hottest New Carnival Attraction

May 27, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

It’s weird how guarded we speak when not amongst friends. Recently, I overheard a couple discussing how traffic was the worst thing in the world and I really wanted to say, “Yeah, traffic’s bad but I’m pretty sure getting butt-raped by your Uncle Clown Face is worse.” Instead I said, “Yeah, traffic sucks!” Why do co-workers insist on wanting to hang out after work? We just hung out for eight hours! What’re you? My wife? If I wanted a wife [...]

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Uninformed Reviews – Movies: May

May 26, 2008 / Uninformed Reviews

Now that it’s May and I’m starting to get sunburned there’s only one place to go… Aunt Rhubarb’s house! Oh, and the movie theater because Aunt Rhubarb kicks me out when her “friend” Gary comes over. Speed Racer It ain’t fast. It ain’t racy. It ain’t a blast like Kevin Spacey. Actually, he’s not in this movie, I just wanted that to rhyme. This movie gave me a frikkin’ seizure. The bad kind. Thumb Score = B What Happens In [...]

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Maybe This Only Amuses Me – Y'all So Stupid

May 24, 2008 / Maybe This Only Amuses Me

Y’all So Stupid – Lady Pants Y’all So Stupid is a bizarre animation series by Devin Flynn that plays like a hallucinogenic-fueled descent into madness. I’ve been waiting a couple of months to post one of these but haven’t found the right one until now…I hope. I’m still not sure if anyone will like this.

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Craigslist Weirdo Of The Week – Tranny Joe

May 22, 2008 / Editorials

Kevin recently asked me to take over the craigslist personal ad feature and I greatly obliged. But before we begin, allow me to introduce myself. The name is Jason Winder and I’m obsessed with the internet. I spend nearly ten hours a day on the net with only work and sleep to keep me from rounding out the other fourteen. My basis for reality is somewhat slipping as of late as a result of spending life online. I compare it [...]

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State Of The Bloop Address

May 20, 2008 / Updates

It’s hot. Updates have slowed down because I’m actually working a job now that requires me to hover, dead-eyed, over a fryer in a hot kitchen, waiting for some fat guy’s chicken wings to finish cooking so that I can collect the meager paycheck that allows me to live another day in my hot dog-stinking apartment. There is a short documentary being made about Julius Bloop that will be awkward and embarrassing considering I’ve accomplished nothing outside of creating a [...]

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