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Gerald's Song (Or: How I Lost My Guild)
I just didn’t know what to do. I stopped eating Hot Pockets, I stopped drinking Rockstar. Yeah, I went to school, but I wasn’t in the mood to learn anything. I even stopped showering every other day.
Home » Editorials (Page 12)
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Movies – September 2008
All aboard! This computer-animated film starring exotic fruit and a talking train is Sony’s answer to Madagascar 2.
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It's Hot Out There
You’re absolutely right – this weather is perfect for my mild skin condition. The climate that I’m referring to is the POLITICAL climate…
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World's Most Unoffensive Mascot Is Oddly Offensive
…and I was so upset that you’d swear in that moment – I had a baby, named it, and raised it just long enough for it to kick me in the balls and runaway forever.
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Welcome To The New Julius Bloop.com
Come inside and see what’s new at Julius Bloop!
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New Site
Hello. I am working very hard. On a brand new JuliusBloop.com. You will be happy. I will be happy. Hobos will be hungry. I mean, happy. Stay tuned. To the Internet. This Website. In particular. Thanks. Balls.
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Once You Go Gerald…
In a move that made those chickenshit Herkimers proud, Lionel skirted our duel. I rubbed Superior Wizard Oil on my Merciless Gladiator’s Spellblade for 6 hours at the Gates of Ironforge, all for naught.
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Tip Toein' On Tha Straight Edge
Today I was bending over, picking up a bag of coffee beans at my job at “Café Artiste,” when this gross-fest who I work with asked me why I had a big “X” tattooed on my lower back. My first, most singular, upfront, thought was to accuse him of staring at my butt. I mean, I know that shit is totes stare-able, but can’t we keep it professional to the fullest? Totes not, apparently. I had to explain to Gross [...]
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Dorleen Muntz Wins Gold In The 100m Child Abuse
I check my email so frequently that I look forward to spam just so I have something to delete. Dear TV Programmers – give women’s beach volleyball its own channel. Some naysayers will scoff at the idea but we’ll make the girls read a poem about feminism after each match – that’ll win those intellectual-types over. Someone tell bees that I’m not a flower. They swarm me like I’m somehow going to add to their stupid honey collection. I guess [...]
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It's A Real Zoo Out There
This past weekend was the annual “Bring Your Asshole Pet to the Doolittle Shopping Center” event. I can’t even begin to describe the asinine amount of morbidly obese couples who decided that today, of ALL days, was the best time to not only drag their crippled mutt from its doggy-bed to my Sear’s Customer Service counter, but also return their Zark Brand Homemade Pasta Machine. It seems as though they were disappointed when, instead of healthy homemade pasta helping them [...]
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Uninformed Reviews – Videogames: August 2008
The August sun is hotter than Hell which only means that the August videogames are hotter than Hell Hell! Madden NFL 09 They keep cranking a new edition of this game year after year and I fail to see much improvement. I know that Steven Madden is the biggest name in the National Footwear League but this franchise needs to be taken out back and buried in a box. A shoebox. Score = Shoes Braid French it, twist it and [...]
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Maybe This Only Amuses Me – Whitest Kids U Know
Whitest Kids U Know – Drum Sketch A lot of people try to do sketch comedy and seem to rely on slick editing, music or beating the premise into the ground without payoff. Whitest Kids U Know is one of the few sketch groups around today that always find a way to establish clever premises and successfully twist them with a solid punchline. They clearly take their time and develop their comedy. Enjoy this sketch.
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