If something is like a Pea – it has a certain pea-ness. If somebody Weens someone else on something they are a ween-er. If you flaunt your impeccable Diction – you are annoying, Aunt Rosemary.

I assume the muffin is the lesbian breakfast of choice. It’s also the sexual activity of choice. The bumper sticker of choice is – Gone Muffin’! Cereal choice? Muffin’, Honey.

At some point you have to settle for the fact that you’ll only hear a certain amount of songs in your lifetime. And one of those songs is definitely by Kriss Kross.

If I’m reincarnated and I have the opportunity to redo my 70th birthday – guess what? No fucking Jager bombs. Okay, maybe one.

I want to copyright the number 911. Every movie I watch will be instantly exciting because I’ll be waiting for them to say “Someone call 911!” and send a fat check my way. If they send a fat chick, however, I’ll be pissed.

Ice Cube, Ice T, and Vanilla Ice all had mega rap careers in the early 90s but are now involved in mainstream television. Ice Cube produces a sitcom for TBS, Ice T is on Law & Order and Vanilla Ice has a home renovation show. This leads us to believe that “Ice” is the secret password to get on TV. That’s why I’m changing my name to Ice Bloop.

Stop staring at my tattoo! The one on my face! Of your face! Cut in half! And bleeding anthropomorphic sperm! Singing the theme song to Facts Of Life! You creepy weirdo!

Some things stop entirely when you become an adult. Like armpit farts, hide and seek, and bathing with your cousins. My cousin Charlie begs to differ. But guess what? I’m not hiding in the bathtub and having armpit fart contests with you anymore, Charlie! Stop calling my house! You’re scaring my mommy.

So there I was… spread eagle in Madagascar..the movie!

Dicktits.

Playing like a faster-paced first person version of Gears of War with a bit of Burnout-style flair via the skillshot system and dick tons of self-deprecation, Bulletstorm breathes new life into a genre that I was getting slightly bored with.

Dick Killing.

That’s not to say that it’s perfect. The campaign is relatively short (less than ten hours on normal) and extremely linear. But these are mere complaints that ultimately don’t matter because the game is so much fun.

Murder boner.

Aside from the campaign, the package contains two other modes: Anarchy and Echoes, the token multiplayer modes.

Ejaculation.

Anarchy serves as a standard horde mode where you and three other players survive waves of enemies until you get bored and quit. It contains level unlockables that don’t really enhance your character aside from new armor pieces and whatnot.

Echoes is slightly unique in that each level consists of fragments from the main campaign where the point is to achieve the highest score via whatever means possible. Players can then have their scores uploaded to a global leaderboard where they can compare scores and attempt to beat each other.

Sushi Dick.

While fun initially, I got bored with these two modes quickly as I’ve played countless horde modes in other games and would rather replay the campaign itself rather than portions of it for points. I would have preferred an Unreal Tournament-like competitive mode using the unique gameplay features that Bulletstorm introduces.

It would have been fun to run around, press the left trigger button, deploy my leash, grab an opponent and kick them into some spikes while they’re in mid-air.

I’m hoping that with subsequent D.L.C. releases a mode like this becomes available but I’m not holding my breath for it. But I will for some dick.

Dick. Dick. Dick.

There’s so much colorful language in this game that it has permanently shaped my vernacular. I can’t wait to introduce my new found flair for obscenities to my family during Brunch on my Grandmother’s birthday.

“Happy birthday, DICKTITS! You’re totally giving me a murder boner in your polyester Shelton Stroller dress!”

Oh man. I think I love dick now. Wait a minute……

How can you hate a game that finishes with the thought-provoking insight, “God is dead?” You’ll never see that message flash across the screen during a Sypro the Dragon game.

God loves dick.

Verdic(K)t: Sausage Fest.

To get a taste of the Dickstorm yourself watch this video.

I need to go apologize to Grandma…

Even if it was, is it wrong?

If true, is Twilight by Stephanie Meyer considered obscene and immoral? Obscene in that vampires are dead (yet alive) and immoral in that it makes millions of young women (and single 40+ year old men), want to offer their throbbing loins to them?

Seeing as how popular the series has become in both print and film, it would appear that certain mass media firms are not only condoning but promoting mass acts of necrophilia. This would also make everything I did last night considered legal.

Welcome to the world of Rockstar Games’ Undead Nightmare – the latest expansion to their western masterpiece, Red Dead Redemption, which was released last year.

With Undead Nightmare, we are given more of the same things that made the original title great but with zombies.

Since RDR takes place in an era without any modern conveniences, there are no radio stations. Rather, while traversing the vast landscape, in this case via a horse, you have only the ambient sounds of birds chirping and tumbleweeds blowing to guide you. So naturally as you move along, the mind wanders and allows moments of self-reflection since the voice in your head is basically the game’s soundtrack.

And that’s what I absolutely love about RDR. More than any game to date, you are John Marston. With a control system rivaled only by Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed and amazing production values – this is your story.

I consider myself a disturbed person. Things that shouldn’t make me laugh, like old people falling down the stairs, are hilarious and things that entertain other people, like babies laughing – just piss me off.

So it’s only natural that when the game opens by tying up your recently zombified wife, and with only my mind left to entertain me in between cut scenes, I’m going to start asking necrophilia questions.

Knowing that a good portion of the people who migrated out West during this era were male, if a good portion of fresh (well maybe not so much fresh) breeding prospects were the female walking dead, realistically, I’m pretty sure a lot of lonely cowboys would have been partaking in the unspoken arts of crusty love-making.

Without antibiotics, I’m quite sure the average lifespan of cowboys was probably pretty low for this reason alone.

I lost my focus. OH YEAH.

Undead Nightmare is fan service for those who enjoyed RDR and will be greater appreciated by these veterans than by newcomers who just love zombies.

Playing out as more of an alternate universe rather than a continuation of RDR, the story is a “what if?” scenario of what would happen (often with hilarious results) if a zombie outbreak occurred and how Marston would handle it.

Every character you meet, locations you visit and animals you kill, skin and eat return from the original.

The only differences are that every animal has their own zombie counterpart and there are now four new horses to locate – the so called “Horses of the Apocalypse.”

Undead Nightmare relies less on the heavy exploration of the original and dives right into the type of action only a good zombie story would require. That’s not to say that the entire game is linear. There are various side quests that can be tackled which go a long way into padding the playtime.

Most of these missions are in the form of rescuing towns from zombie hordes in order to clear the areas and open up a safe haven for Marston to save his game and pick up ammunition. Much like the gang wars missions in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, as the game progresses, the towns become re-infested and Marston has to go back and clear the area again.

Zombies come in four different classes, the slow-dim-witted traditional ones found in classic Romero films, the fast-moving Bolters found in modern zombie films (ie. they run and normally on all fours), the brawny Bruisers and the Retchers which have the ability to belch acid onto you.

Learning how to take these guys down is half the fun of Undead Nightmare since, aside from the flames from a Molotov cocktail, the only way any of these guys (or girls) can be stopped is with a headshot.

I was curious how the control-scheme would work with an onslaught of zombie hordes since the one in RDR relied on aiming down the site rather than spraying and praying bullets hit but was pleasantly surprised to find that the dead-eye trigger-mode made tough situations easier to manage.

Regardless, this feeling of dread is definitely heightened when all four varieties are running towards you but learning how to manage your shots and ensuring your success adds a lot of strategy to the game.

This is in stark contrast to Valve’s Left 4 Dead series of zombie shooters where aiming is non-existent and all you have to do to is just mow down your enemies.

For people who grew up with videogames and lived through their many innovations, RDR is a dream. It encapsulates everything I had hoped to experience during the rudimentary age of trying to avoid flying skulls in Konami’s Castlevania on the NES or learning the hard way that I needed to use a second controller to defeat Praying Mantis in Metal Gear Solid on the PSX.

RDR is the future of narrative gaming.

Now that Rockstar has gone and added zombies to the mix, you might as well add “wet” in front of dream.

The add-on can be bought in two packages as DLC off of the PSN or XBLA networks or on a standalone disc that also contains both of the previous multiplayer DLC releases and can be played independently where the DLC requires a copy of RDR to play.

So give it a shot. And I challenge you not to think about necrophilia.

It’s unfair that if you have a collection of books, people call it a library but if you have a collection of dildos people call the police.

I hate it when you make fun of someone behind their back and somebody replies, “You wouldn’t say that if so and so were here!” Yeah, and I wouldn’t take a dump in the kiddie pool if my grandma was watching. Again.

Sometimes you see an old man and think, “I wish he were my grandpa!” – because he has an awesome hat and a huge mustache and is not dead.

Your ears and nose keep growing when you get older but what about your penis? I’m going to do a little research and take that old man at the park up on his offer. Hey, even if my hypothesis is wrong…free candy!

Some women don’t realize they’re pregnant and give birth in the toilet. Which would be great if you’re the toilet baby because life is all uphill from there. “Oh no, my girlfriend dumped me for my best friend the same day I lost my job and my house burned down – ah well, it’s still better than being born in the toilet!”

Now that I’m in rehab – I really miss my three best friends. Jim Beam. Jack Daniels. And John Stamos.

Playing golf is like masturbating in the fanciest closet of your house. You’re competing against yourself, the scenery is cozy but at some point you’re going to be cleaning semen with a putter.

Numerologists hate when you talk about numbers outside of work. “Honey, would you like some A1 sauce on your 6oz. steak?” “Shut the fuck up, bitch!”

Maybe They Serve Fresh Seafood

I open the door to the bar after failing to notice the sign in the long and dark alley. It has been a miserable day at the academy and I really need a drink to take the edge off.

Upon entering, I get a sense of deja vu. I take a seat at the bar, utter some kind words and order a drink.

“I’ll take a bourbon – neat.”

“Four bucks.”

I hand him a five and leave the change for a tip. While taking my first swig, I notice a mustachioed man, wearing dark sunglasses and a leather outfit exiting the bathroom.

“Interesting,” I think to myself, not taking much notice. I mumble cordial nothings and continue to drink.

Soon afterward, another man follows, wearing similar clothing and facial hair – the only difference being a black-spiked collar around his neck with a chain attached.

I glance at the chain and notice the first man is holding and directing his friend out of the bathroom. Things have gotten weird. I scan the bar and make a mental note as to the lack of women.

Wait there’s one. Nope. Nevermind. Guy in a dress.

Just then, another man adorned in leather approaches the bar and gives me the once over. I give him the people’s eyebrow, smile nervously and take a huge swig from my glass.

Shit.

Frantically, I take out my cellphone and make it look like I’m occupied when I feel a hand on my leg.

“No thanks, I’m diabetic,” I say to the man that just molested me. Diabetic? What does that even mean?

Suddenly, an all-too-familiar tune starts playing in the background.

“Wait…I know that trumpet!” I say to my unfortunate new friend.

As soon as the realization hits me, his hairy smile curls devilishly.

“FUCK! It’s ‘El Bimbo’! I’ve must have walked into the ‘Blue Oyster’ club. AGAIN!”

Dropping my glass and suddenly realizing that my original feelings of deja vu were a justified warning, I try to leave. The leather-clad patrons sense my fear and surround me.

The fact that there was no salad bar should have clued me.

Just then, my new friend grabs my arm and drags me onto the dance floor. I’m trapped and doing the tango.

Like flying off a motorbike and being thrust head-first into a horse’s anus, I resign myself to fate and accept his lead.

I’m in it to win it. The only way out is through.

I smoke way too much pot. It’s affecting my memory. No wonder my family held that intervention.

Wait. Did he just try to kiss me? Why am I smiling? Fuck you, Freud.

Where’s Tackleberry and Hightower when you need them?

THE END
—————–

Thus was my experience while playing the single-player campaign of Activision and Treyarch’s new Call of Duty: Black Ops (BO).

I conveniently forgot just how much I failed to enjoy the campaigns of the previous two, bought into the pre-release hype and expected to have a good time.

What I got was a unique narrative using cues from Fight Club and Lost but with the same, over-exaggerated, set-piece after set-piece, exhausting gameplay that has been the series staple since Call of Duty: Modern Warfare (MW).

So I didn’t really enjoy it. It literally took me two months just to complete all eight hours that were required to beat it.

If you’re new to the series, then you’ll probably like it because it contains everything that made the series great in the first place. But if you’ve played every release since the first, expect to roll your eyes…a lot.

I digress. The main reason most buy this game is because of the multiplayer modes, which come in the forms of both competitive matches, and a cooperative Zombies-horde mode.

Without hyperbole, let me stress that the multiplayer is a blast – which really took me by surprise. I thought the series was tapped out with the last one, Modern Warfare 2 (MW2) by Infinity Ward, which while having its moments – bored me in others due to its bombastic nature and overreaching (reach-around-ing?).

It was also broken upon release, highly unbalanced and easy to be hacked thus enabling millions of gamers to ruin the experience for those that just wanted to play. Subsequent patches rectified some of these problems but the damage had already been done and I looked elsewhere for my gaming fix.

As a player, I’m aggressive and fast. I plan ahead but I also like to think on my feet – so to counterbalance that with a mass of snipers camping in the background just ruined the fun. Matches in MW2 would find me getting shot out of nowhere, watching the kill cam and hunting down the cheap perpetrator over a pathetic sense of justice. The cat-and-mouse aspect of the game was fun initially but eventually ruined it as I started to play more team-based objective modes.

In retrospect, this made me a better player but it was also tiring when sometimes all I wanted to do after a terrible day at work was go home and have some good, clean fun and not have to babysit a bunch of online children.

Not long after, EA’s Battlefield Bad Company 2 and Sony’s M.A.G.were both released and, in my opinion, offered far more adult-gaming experiences – so I opted to play them instead.

But since Call of Duty is my favorite game to play in the dark at 4 a.m. in my Super Mario underwear, I would still play the occasional match. But the hold the series once held on me was gone.

While my fears were justified, I couldn’t have been more wrong in regards to BO and here is a listing of why I think this game is far better than MW2.

Character creation:
Instead of unlocking skills and equipment as you level up, everything aside from weapons is free to be purchased from the beginning (given that you have the credits to buy them). Credits are earned based on how well you perform in matches.

I really liked this new aspect as it didn’t take me long to create a character I felt comfortable with and it also enabled me to experiment with different features sooner than I was able to in previous versions.

Balance:
BO at this stage is the most balanced game in the series with wins and achievements coming from quick wits and skills rather than spamming the game’s flaws and cheating. Maps are appropriate in size allowing for intense matches which suit the rapid-fire aspect of the gameplay – which pretty much eliminates the sniper-class issues I had with previous games.

If I die, it’s because I wasn’t good enough and not because the four-year-old inbred crackbaby I’m playing against is so insecure about his abilities that he has to hide in the background and take out those who are trying to play the game.

Extras:
Taking cues from Halo: Reach, BO has a contract system that gives you mini-goals that reward you with credits and experience points such as getting three head shots in one match or 15 kills without dying. They go a long way to make the matches feel fresh.

Like Reach and Uncharted 2, BO also has a video-capturing feature that allows you to save recordings of your matches onto your hard drive. This also enables the community to be a sort of thought police and report players they deem cheap (via boosting, cheating, etc) by watching their videos and reporting them to Treyarch to have their stats erased.

For the uninitiated, BO offers a bot-mode where you can train against AI-controlled players to learn the mechanics without the fear of being owned by seasoned players.

Final thoughts:
I went into it hoping the single-player was going to be stellar but found it to be far too derivative of past titles. My sense of deja vu upon firing it up didn’t prevent me from realizing this until it was far too late and when I was too knee-deep in the shit to get out of it.

The entire time I kept thinking about how the series is the new Police Academy where the setting for each one changes but they’re still the same movie. I even re-watched all six movies to justify my pathetic theory which wasn’t too much of a burden because I love them.

In my underwear and to the tune of “El Bimbo.”

I really need a job.

It is, however, worth playing through the campaign if only to unlock an awesome video featuring JFK, Robert McNamara, Richard Nixon and Fidel Castro and the subsequent zombie map that comes with it.

As a whole package, BO is a good deal. Sure, the single player is lacking but the multiplayer more than makes up for it. Weighing the eight hours wasted with “single” versus the possible hundreds gained with “multi” – I can’t find any reason to not recommend this game.

That is, of course, if you have an internet connection.

Otherwise, don’t bother and just keeping dancing with the leather man.

When I go to sleep, I hope when I awake I’m somehow transformed into a geisha to be used by a group of karaoked-out Japanese business men during one of their wicked bukaki sessions.

Yet, I continue to wake up the same broke, over-educated, unemployed and now balding jackass with man-boobs that I’ve been for a while.

So I satiate my failed dreams with as many forms of Japanese-culture love as I can with the various videogames and anime DVDs I own – hoping I can harness their energies to transform into a dragon lady.

I even bought a geisha dress that I tell people I only wore once during a Halloween party but really I put it on whenever I want to feel pretty – which is pretty much all the time.

So whenever something comes from Japan that looks cool, I tend to gear my attentions towards it. Such was the case when I downloaded the demo of Capcom’s Sengoku Basara: Samurai Heroes on the Playstation network.

Upon playing the demo, I was hooked. Frantically, I set the alarm on my cell phone and when I was awoken by my “Cruel Angel Thesis” ringtone, I jumped in my car and drove straight to Gamestop to buy the game.

I’m pathetic like that.

I tore up the packaging and jammed it as fast as I could into my mangina (re: PS3) and aside from my time with Gran Turismo 5, it has barely left.

The Good

Just about everything.

Initial impression, Samurai Heroes appeared to follow the Koei/Omega Force-developed Dynasty Warriors series shamelessly. To a certain extent, this is true.

But with a tactical hack and slash-type of game, there is only so much room for innovation without destroying the core-mechanics.

However, when compared to Koei’s games, this series is much more user-friendly and actually surpasses them.

Samurai Heroes is as only Capcom could make it – colorful, camp and full of Japanese fanboy-service that only a middle-aged man with hairy moobs of my social stature (ie living in my parents basement surrounded by Powerpuff Girls posters) could truly appreciate.

Compared to action genre greats like the Ninja Gaiden reboot and Bayonetta, its fighting engine comes up short but that’s not the point of Samuria Heroes. Think of it as Soul Calibur-lite. None of the moves need any real work to pull off which is good because if it took a carefully-instructed button set to annihilate armies, the game would be a bitch to play.

Samurai Heroes is the third game in the series with Sengoku Basara (known as Devil Kings here) being released first in 2005 on the Playstation 2 and Sengoku Basara 2 released in 2006 in Japan only for the Playstation 2 and Nintendo Wii ( as Sengoku Basara 2 Heroes).

Whereas the story of Dynasty Warriors is based on the classic Chinese novel, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, the story in this game is based on a true story.

The storyline takes place during the Sengoku Period, or Warring States Period, during which Japan was split into many minor states battling over power and land.

All the playable and non-playable characters are based on real-life individuals but obviously artistic liberties have been taken such as the case of Saica Magoichi who in the game is female but was male in real life.

When studied externally, all of this is pretty interesting for those who are fascinated in old cultures and in particular when different factions were engaged in war so it’s nice to get to play something that uses a historical background.

But to be honest, you don’t play this game for the story. I ended up skipping all of the cut scenes just to get to the gameplay. But I was fine with that because I wasn’t playing this game for an interactive version of War and Peace. It wasn’t until after I beat it a couple of times that I realized the potential for a great story but by that point I was already too immersed in the game to care.

It’s full of well-directed cut scenes but they were rather confusing to me because I didn’t know the details until after I watched the anime associated with the game.

Liked a crazed, bald and rabid Sinead O’Connor wonderfully ripping up a picture of the pope on Saturday Night Live, nothing compares to this game.

And it is about just as bat shit insane as that woman which is well suited for my tastes.

One thing this game has against its immediate competitors is its sense of speed. I always felt that the character movement and button layout in the DW series were cumbersome and mismanaged.

Not so with this game. The controls are perfect. Each character has a set of four distinct basic moves that are mapped to a predetermined button. One or two of these specific moves level up as the character gains ranks.

In addition to these basic moves, there are three super moves that unlock. The player is then given a choice out of the three which to use and the move is mapped to the R2 button.

When certain battle conditions are met, the character can enter Basara mode where the player just goes straight-up ape shit and takes down everyone in his path with no regard for humanity.

Meet even more battle conditions and then Hero Time unlocks and you go on an endless combo-killing spree where with the screen turns yellow, time slows down and with each kill, you put more seconds on the clock.

Levels are laid out where you are given specific objectives such as destroying all the rice crops so the villains can’t heal themselves.

This is accomplished by taking control of camps through taking out the camp commanders in each respective one. As soon as you take control of every camp and complete every task, you face the final villain.

There are 38 stages and it takes many playthroughs via different characters to unlock them which is part of the fun of this game.

There are sixteen playable characters each with their own move set, storyline-variations and unlockables. When each character can be leveled up to 99, has four different outfits to unlock, various weapon/item combinations this game is a trophy-whore’s wet dream. And if it’s as cold outside as it is where I live – you now have no reason to go outside.

The Okay

Enemies sometimes pop out of thin air but I didn’t mind because they gave me new targets to annihilate.

Expect to do a lot of level repeats and grinding in order to rank up to level 99 but this wasn’t too much a problem for me.

The difficulty was lacking even on hard mode but when you die in a level you lose all of your experience like in Dynasty Warriors so again, I didn’t mind.

The Terrible

Absolutely nothing.

Seriously though, if you know what type of game this is, you’ll have no problem enjoying it. If you’re looking for something like Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2, you might hate it.

Final Thoughts

One fabled website that holds a monopoly on people’s opinions and uses letters in the word ignorant in their title scored this game a 4.5 out of 10. Citing reasons of lack of originality, genre staleness, etc I had no problem telling them to eat a dick on their comments section.

This should come as no surprise as I have a good feeling that their idea of a really good game is figuring out which glory-hole in the office bathroom has the least amount of splinters.

Sengoku Basara: Samurai Heroes is a gem and deserves all the praise it can get which unfortunately outside of the non-mainstream press isn’t a lot.

For gaming enthusiasts and those with a Japanese culture fetish like myself, this game is as great as choosing the hole with the most splinters.

To disregard this game as a mindless button-masher that serves no purpose because it’s not the next Red Dead Redemption, is misleading because it was never meant to be. So to disenfranchise all the hard work made by a bunch of people because you are butt hurt due to your ethnocentric ways is wrong.

What comes off as lacking depth on first glance is a title with plenty of it. Even after putting about 30 hours in I still feel there’s more to enjoy.

Unlockables, branching paths, bodyguard combinations, characters to level up and more are waiting for me. Just as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into, you’ll absolutely love this game.

I have a tendency to sell my games when I’m done with them but that won’t be the case with this one.

Thanks to Sengoku Basara: Samurai Heroes – I might not need the geisha dress tonight.

Every now and then, my friend GM, tells me to write a brief story based on something simple. This story was based upon the name “Bernard Chan and Queen Postman” Enjoy.

Many years ago, in the land known as New France – there was a forbidden love nary a goat would speak of. For betwixt the thick mulberry bushes near Armpit Meadows, a pair of unlikely rabbits did snuggle.

Bernard Chan, an incredibly overweight rabbit of nine years spent his days gnawing onion root and wishing naps were sleeps and sleeps were currency. He’d be a magillionaire were that the case.

The few moments his floppy ears were pointed toward the blue skies of Armpit Meadows were spent, against the wishes of the Hare Kingdom, with Queen Postman.

Most donkeys think rabbits are a democratic bunch – sharing carrots and hop-alongs amongst themselves. This misconception is the one and only reason donkeys are considered asses.

Rabbits are, in fact, a regal creature that takes great pride in honoring the Royal Rabbit Family.

Queen Postman, holding the second highest honor bestowed upon rabbits who deliver mail, is forbidden to frolic with common bunnies. “What kind of mail does a rabbit deliver?” asks the woolly mammoth. Shut up woolly mammoth, extinct hairy elephants do not get to ask questions.

The sour opinion of the Rabbit court did not sway Queen Postman from taking off her pointy postman hat and burying her fluffy face in the massive belly of Bernard Chan. Their sloth-like love (no offense to sloths), however, affected the local mail.

Letters were missing, packages damaged and lawsuits filed. A mob gathered in PartyButt Square to air their grievances with King Postman.

“Where’s my electric carrot peeler, Postman?” demanded Charlie Bard, Landscaper.

“Why don’t you ask that hedonistic heathen, Bernard Chan!?” responded King Postman with contempt.

Quickly, the mob turned toward the mulberry bush Chan napped in and wrested him from his slumber. They hopped and hopped on his gargantuan belly in fury. Their bid for justice, however, took a strange turn. To their surprise, hundreds of packages began shooting from his mouth. The more they bounced on his belly, the more mail burst from Chan.

“Our mail! It’s in his belly!” cried Ned Mumps, Ear Beautician.

One by one, the letters and parcels of Armpit Meadows erupted from the gut of Bernard Chan like a Postal Volcano. Everyone cheered and hopped joyfully throughout the land.

The bizarre love of Queen Postman and Bernard Chan was thereby deemed just in the carrot-sharpened eyes of all the bunnies. As a compromise, the post office was relocated from the banks of Cranberry Creek to the stomach of the fat sleepy bunny that lives in the thick mulberry bush of Armpit Meadow.

The belly of Bernard Chan.

Such is the case with EA’s reboot of their Medal of Honor (MOH) series, the videogame equivalent of waking up from a nap, looking in the mirror and seeing that you are now Rosie O’Donnell.

Worse things have happened. I actually kind of liked it because I have a fear of one day discovering I’m a late-in-life lesbian and this way… I have nothing to fear.

In the past, all MOH games featured campaigns based within the historical expanse of World War II but this reboot forgoes that period for a modern one and exploits the current war in Afghanistan.

MOH features both single and multi-player parts that were developed by separate teams – Danger Close, the single and Dice, of Battlefield series fame, the multi.

In an effort to add realism, the creators used actual experiences from Tier One Special Operations soldiers to give the game an authentic edge and some of the single-player scenarios are based on real events.

While this attention to detail is refreshing, since most modern first person war simulators feature made-up scenarios, its implementation is extremely boring.

Placing an emphasis on extremely homoerotic machismo and manly, unwashed beards accompanied by Linkin Park’s “The Catalyst” as the closing song in the credits, this game oozed bullshit all over my face.

I was pissed. Personal frustrations aside, I can deal with the beards but Linkin Park fucking sucks. Who knew the US military allowed Justin Bieber fans to serve openly amongst their ranks?

Since there is already a tough marketplace for first-person war-themed games with the recently released Call of Duty: Black Ops, Halo:Reach and EA’s own Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (also created by Dice), the reintroduction of the MOH series is pointless.

Good

The sound design for this game is probably its best feature. I play with surround-sound headphones and was reasonably satisfied with the effects, ambiance of the world, score and weaponry.

But that would be like defending Kim Jong Il because he’s “so wonwey” so who cares?

Next.

Terrible
Everything else.

The campaign is rife with clichés and scenarios that have been done far better in other games especially in the three I’ve already mentioned.

You have your standard chase missions, helicopter-turret missions, search and rescue missions but none of it stands out. When it does try to stand out, such as when enemies bombard you on a cliff and all you have is a bombed-out house to shield you, the immersion factor isn’t there. Anything and everything that has been offered in this game has been done before but much better.

Claiming to be the one of most realistic military-style first person shooter around is a huge boast especially when there are already much more hardcore simulators available in the ARMA and Operation Flashpoint series.

The realism is nothing like that experienced in any of the games in those series and is just another pathetic attempt to replicate Hollywood in a video game.

In Danger Close’s defense, these games are really meant to be played for their competitive modes with the single-player always paling in comparison. But since the game was made by two different teams and therefore a lot of time should have been spent on both instead of being divided, I’m not going to excuse them for this.

With that in mind, the multi-player comes off just as half-baked as the single-player. It might as well star Jim Brewer and a dead horse named Buttercup. At least then the laughs would have been justified.

What has been described as a mix between the tactical-Battlefield series and the more mainstream Call of Duty series, really ends up feeling more like a smaller scale clone of Sony’s M.A.G. game which was extremely fun in its own right.

But this game never really captured the feel and fun factor of M.A.G. or even Disney Princess: Enchanted Journey for the Wii which I probably shouldn’t have mentioned playing since I’m on some sort of registered list with my State for something I may or may not have done.

No biggie.
Jesus saves.
But not this game.

I could rant all day about the terrible spawn system and how many times I would spawn right into a mortar attack or how the weapons are highly-unbalanced or how the maps are small and that every game mode, no matter what the objective all end up playing the same.

After about ten hours of throwing smoke bombs just to traverse positions to avoid the onslaught of camping, I had enough. I experienced everything this game had to offer and it wasn’t good.

Dice have created some of the best first person competitive shooters ever so it was really disappointing that they thought that this was a game worthy of their fans’ time.

Or anyone’s for that matter, including Terri Schiavo.
And she’s dead.

Final thoughts
In all fairness, the Medal of Honor series has never been the deepest of titles and has served as nothing more than a reason to shallowly re-enact famous World War II battles so I shouldn’t have expected much. I guess if you’re going to reach for the stars, you might as well reach for the lowest one you can touch.

With so much competition released this year, EA should have stepped up their game and attempted to make the ultimate war simulator.

But they didn’t and we’re left with this mess.

I think this game ultimately fails because it is made by two different teams and their different philosophies couldn’t be any more obvious. The graphic engines and control schemes are different in both portions, the game lacks any clear vision aside from making lots of money. But why should I state the obvious?

In any case, since the year is pretty much over, I think it is safe to say that MOH comes in as my most disappointing game of 2010. I love war as a theme and first person shooters in particular but what I got with this game was more along the lines of taking a bath with my grandma. Sure I guess it can be fun but seriously now, would you pay $60 to do it?

FYI:
Just this week during one of Amazon.com’s Black Friday lightening deals, this game was offered for $30. When the deal ended, only about 31% had been claimed. In contrast, the Wii version of Jeopardy sold out within ten minutes which was sad because I was looking forward to making waggle-love to Ken Jennings.

Glad I’m not alone.

But when I saw that, I man-queefed after some fun with a GI Joe doll.

Wow, lady. Lots of things.

First, Merrill. I have received the original raw footage of The Journey Of Merrill courtesy of Keith Carlson.

I will be re-cutting it and posting a brand new version sometime in the near future. I hope to streamline everything and make it even more enjoyable for all. As a good mustache movie should be.

Next, new show. I have been hard at work on a new show that will air exclusively on VSauce.

It’s called Mind Blow and will feature obscure videogame facts, easter eggs, computer tricks and various oddities of the internet. The debut is set for Wednesday December 8th. Stay tuned for that.

Finally, I have a new shipment of Julius Bloop stickers. So if you missed out on the first batch – please email me with your mailing address. KevinJuliusLieberATgmail.com

Oooh, and the music for the Garbage Man film is set to begin recording this weekend. Hopefully that will be completed before Christmas.

Peace
~Bloop

So I was excited for DJ Hero because it offered the genre something fresh: new types of music to tap to and a new controller to learn.

The game played great and the spikes in difficulty made me want to improve my abilities. However, the fun factor only lasted about a week.

Ultimately, what turned me off was the soundtrack. The amount of cheese attributed to the music and artists was alarming. What could have been a celebration of the DJ culture ended up being nothing more than a pandering excuse to sell a game to the mainstream.

Featuring the likes of 50 Cent, Rhianna and The Killers, the soundtrack was an insult to fans of the DJ culture and hip-hop. Granted there were some gems like Daft Punk but any notion of integrity was few and far between.

Unfortunately, DJ Hero came off as the product of a boardroom meeting between the members of Activision and the music industry to make more money off of the Guitar Hero name rather than something worthwhile.

Their problem was trying to sell a hardcore game to a mainstream audience for the huge price they were asking and it didn’t work. Sales for the original DJ Hero were terrible.

Embarrassingly, retailers throughout the year dropped the price and at one point, I saw it for sale at Toys ‘R Us for a mere $20. That was a difference of $110 a year from its release. The market spoke and Activision lost.

Poor sales didn’t deter them from making a sequel. I was intrigued because I thought perhaps the lack of sales for the original would tell the developers that people don’t want to play terrible music and that there is an amazing DJ culture out there that no one knows about. What better way to introduce people to this often ignored genre than with an awesome game?

Despite hating the first one, I ended up buying the sequel hoping for the best.

I should have stuck with my gut feeling.

The Good
*The gameplay has received some polish. In DJ Hero 1, when a confident player completed his career on medium difficulty, he would have a tough time adjusting to hard. This time, the speed of the tracks and types of button inputs evolve with the player as they progress.

*The freestyling has been improved from the first title. DJ Hero 1 simply prompted you to press the red button during specific sections and hear Flava Flav shout, “Yeah boi!” but now you can manipulate the track. Rather than explain it in detail, I’ll let the developers speak about it:

I really liked the crossfade freestyling because it enabled me to cut out the vocals and just focus on the beats, which went a long way in allowing me to endure the soundtrack.

* Setlist songs just flow from one to another rather than jumping to a menu in between. I hope this becomes a feature more utilized in the future with this genre.

The Okay
*The campaign mode, now called Empire mode is still just a matter of checking songs off a list in order to progress. FreeStyleGames mixes it up with DJ battles but those don’t go far into making the mode something unique.

*The online portion follows the mold of the Call of Duty series by featuring a leveling and perk system. The perks are power decks that enable the user to rack up score points and the leveling system doesn’t really do much. Considering that the original had a pretty decent multi-player mode, FreeStyleGames didn’t add much.

The Terrible
*A rhythm game’s main selling point is going to be its music and this is where DJ Hero 2 fails.

Rather than taking strides and embracing music from the DJ culture, FreeStyleGames infused it with even more mainstream music. As much as I loathed the previous soundtrack, its music was a culmination of pop from the past two decades. DJ Hero 2 however features songs that are as recent as last week.

Here is a list of the artists that are featured in the game that I feel can communicate my frustration: Kayne West, Rihanna, Soulja Boy, LADY GAGA, Bruno Mars, Pitbull, Chamillionaire, Salt ‘N Pepa, Deelite, Pussycat Dolls, 50 Cent and Eminem.

The game does score some points for not including Beyonce and Ke$ha in any of the mash-ups but only barely.

There are some bright spots. The two tracks attributed to the Rza are amazing as is the inclusion of Justice’s D.A.N.C.E. The songs chosen from the Chemical Brothers, the Prodigy and Daft Punk serve as curious choices considering the vastness of their catalog containing better options but I’ll take what I can get.

Curious also is the inclusion of deadmau5. For someone who was the face of the announcement at E3, his lack of music in the game is kind of disheartening and yet speaks loads about the thought that really went into the game. He has three tracks, none performed independently. Two with Kaskade, one with the aforementioned Lady Gaga, a mashup of her terrible “Just Dance” and his okay “Ghosts N Stuff.”

Instead, David Guetta and DJ Tiesto, the Justin Biebers of the DJ scene are given more face time which shows the developer’s lack of knowledge towards good electronica.

With hip-hop there existed a great time before the Puff Daddy-era of heavy commercialization when it was just cool to sit back and rhyme about your life. This game doesn’t feature any of that type of poetry. We’re relegated to listen to a bunch of shit-hop that has been over-marked towards tools, soccer moms and teenage white girls. Music that is meant to make you dance rather than ask questions.

To add further insult, D.L.C. announcements show that packs from Linkin Park and Usher are on the horizon.

As of this writing, the game hasn’t sold well. Considering that the game retails for as low as $59.99 for the single game and as high as $149.99 for the party bundle, this isn’t a surprise.

The market has spoken.

Maybe I’m just old or over-analyzing a game meant for children. But looking at the soundtracks for the relatively similar games Frequency and Amplitude both made by Harmonix, you can see that some people do understand art. Those games are cult hits not only because they play well but also because the music fueling them are what their fans would actually enjoy.

I know that corporations do a lot of focus testing to see what to include in their products and I’m pretty sure that probably ended up happening with DJ Hero 2.

Playing this game, I felt like I was at my lowest. After long sessions, I would curl up into a ball on my bed, in the dark listening to my Ipod and crying because I had just allowed myself to be ear-raped.

After about five times of this happening, I took Sharon Angle’s advice, manned up and broke the disc figuring that I was stronger than that.

Hyperboles aside – the music is really that bad and no one should subject themselves to it.

Final thoughts
This type of decline in quality is nothing new to Activision’s Hero series. With each subsequent release since Harmonix left them to join EA it becomes more evident that the company is only concerned with profit.

Harmonix, on the contrary, actually shows respect and heart towards their products.

In 2009 alone, Activision released seven different games in the series to Harmonix’s one and none of them sold as much as the latter’s. The law of diminishing returns couldn’t be more true in this case.

Knowing this, I still expected more since this is a new series of games. I figured we wouldn’t be at this level of crap until three years from now when the series has been milked to death and Activision released the ninth iteration.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Like I mentioned before, Activision’s main problem with this game is that it’s being made for the casual audience who won’t buy it because of its obscurity and price. Unfortunately, the hardcore crowd won’t buy it because it’s too mainstream.

Verdict:
MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

I’d rather wake up in a bed next to a naked Betty White covered in nothing but skin flakes and the remnants of a failed experiment with Metamucil than play this game again.

I’m pretty sure that once Harmonix makes their own DJ-type of game, we’ll have something that both plays and sounds great. Until then, I would avoid this misguided series, unless you want abscesses covering your brain from all the sugar you’ll expose it to.

Such a shame too.