Today was just another ordinary day at Dan Plesac Technical High School in Gary, Indiana.

Uh, ordinary other than that it was the first day of my SENIOR YEAR LOLOLOLOL!!!!11

You got it, bish. Senior year. We’re the Alpha males, we’re the raid leaders, we’re King Wrynn of Stormwind, and every peon below us is fishing crocolisks out of the sewers for some low-level daily quest.

The first day of Senior Year felt just like the moment I dinged to Level 80. Just like I knew it would, all that hard work suddenly paid off.

And just like when you ding 80, the minute you’re a Senior some r-tard is there to start giving you shit.

So I walk into Chemistry and go through the usual routine. I sit down next to Terrance, because members of the {Jesus Is My Epic Trinket} guild ALWAYS stick together. We pull out our matching Trapper Keepers, both adorned with the Alliance crest and our pink and baby blue guild rabbit. We wait until everyone’s quiet, then we riiiiip open the velcro. Our classmates feign disgust, but they’ve sure as Hellfire gotten the message: The Trinket does what it wants, when it wants.

I guess Eugene Lowenstein, our Chemistry teacher, didn’t get that memo in his faculty mailbox. He stopped taking attendance and said, “Gerald, let’s not start this year off on the wrong foot.”

I thought about telling him to stfu because every pair of my boots is enchanted with Surefooted, but that’s not The Trinket way. We roll strategy the Sun-Tzu way.

Even so, a true leader doesn’t stand down when his honor is at stake. “It’s General Gunderson, alchemist Lowenstein.” Pwned.

Alchemist Lowenstein laughed. Out of fear.

“Alchemist? I see your chemistry vocabulary has increased over the summer, General Gunderson.”

What an idiot. What a fucking idiot, srsly. I thought teachers had to go to college or have a degree or something. Or at least not be TOTALLY FUCKING RETARDED.

Over the summer? Yeah, fool. Wrath of the Lich King came out like a YEAR ago. FlyinHaiAgin, my Level 80 Gnome Warlock, has been a Grand Master Alchemist since Fall of ’08. The only thing Lowenstein is the Grand Master of is pretending his dick is bigger than a bunsen burner LOL.

I shot a knowing glance to Terrance, who nodded in solidarity. A General has wars to plan and battles for which he must prepare. I decided to leave this hapless old man-crone to his “craft.” I opened up my Trapper Keeper to a fresh sheet of parchment and drew a sweet gnome warrior with a fucking HUGE dick lol.

A few minutes later and the pseudo-sage spoke again. “You’ve all seen the syllabus by now. Are there any topics not listed that you want to cover this year?” The room was, predictably, silent. After all, these dipshit younglings haven’t even made a Weak Troll’s Blood Elixir. Worse yet, I bet they never will.

I don’t know who recognized this unique opportunity first, me or Terrance. We both put our hands up at the same time but I slapped his down to the desk because WTF, I’m the General.

Lowenstein acknowledged me. He didn’t bow, but he was quick to respond. “Yes, Gerry?”

“Can we transmute?” He stared back at me with the blank ignorance of a n00b about to take a Shadowbolt up his pooper in Warsong Gulch. Terrance could barely contain himself, but he managed to slap me five under the desk.

“I’m sorry, Gerry – what do you mean by transmute?” I sighed loudly. I wanted everyone in the class to know exactly how much of a loser this Lowenstein creature really was. I figured I had to explain this one in faggotard terms so he MIGHT have a chance to understand.

“It’s where you take one thing and turn it into another, completely different thing.”

“Well… some of the labs you see listed do that. I think you’ll all find that Chemistry labs are very, very interesting.” Fat fucking chance. I bet this guy’s degree didn’t even include a specialization in elixirs OR potions.

Why do I get the feeling that this Grand Master is going to have to mop up behind Lowenstein ALL YEAR LONG? Well, if I don’t, we all know that those around me will suffer. A kind, compassionate leader loves his people enough to jettison the 450 artisan’s pride and help n00bz make a few Holy Protection Potions now and again. Their hunger for mystical, arcane knowledge will be fulfilled.

And if they’re still hungry I’ll tell GundoMomz to bring us some Totino’s and Mountain Dew Game Fuel LOL. I mean except for Terrance, I love the guy but he’s HUGE lol he always eats all my shit when he’s over.

I couldn’t wait to go home, log on to the Malfurion realm and tell EVERYONE in Alliance trade chat about this sad, pathetic n00b.

FlyinHaiAgin: yo d00dz u wouldn’t believe my chemistry teacher LOL he didn’t even know about transmuting sooo stewpid
Atreyooo: looking 4 jewelcrafter to make Ametrine whisper me
Stabachu: anyone wanna do a dungeon im bored lol
FlyinHaiAgin: hahah ya srsly what a fag LOL i totally pwned him and everyone in the class was lyke “omg did u hear wat gerry just said” LOL
joeROGUEan: stfu you fat fuck no one likes you go die in a fire

They hate me cuz they ain’t me LOL. Srsly though these kids will understand when they’re older and wiser. They’ll learn to respect those who have a knowledge greater than they themselves will ever attain. They’ll also learn to pwn the imposters who stand in front of a classroom and pretend they know something about alchemy when they haven’t even turned an iron belt buckle into solid gold.

LOWENSTEIN FAIL lollllllll!!!!111

Being a senior RULES. Gunderson OUT.

I won’t lie, guys. You know how everyone on TV says we’re in a recession? Well, The General has been in a DEPRESSION for like 3 weeks.

Leanne left me, I was failing school, I was actually GAINING weight again lol. I made Gundomomz stock up on Hot Pockets because wtf, my diet isn’t working anyway. The bacon and cheese rules when I’m waiting in the queue for Eye of the Storm lol.

But guess what? Depression over. OVER. Two reasons:

1. Wrath of the Lich King. The expansion. Finally. Glory, even for great warriors, is fleeting. Today’s hero is tomorrow’s goat, and I’ve been bleating like a retarded Golden Guernsey for weeks.

Gladiators can’t repair their glory, their legacy, their legend, without another war. I thought I could maybe get my cred back in dodgeball at school but I got hit in the fucking face Tuesday and my mouth is STILL bleeding.

So, now all I have to do is borrow $44 from my stepdad and I’ll have that new war come November 13, LOL. w/e I’ll just e-mail him and say I’m telling Gundomomz about how he trolls Yahoo! teen chat for 8th graders lol and include a link to the Amazon pre-order for WotLK.

2. I made a new friend. FINALLYYY!!! You guys probably won’t believe this, but not too many people talk to me at school, swear to God. They’re intimidated by my chain and my loner, Gerry-doesn’t-take-shit-from-anyone, persona.

Well, this new kid showed up the other day. His name is Terrance and he RULES cuz he wears striped shirts and plays WoW just like me. The only weird thing is that he’s a Vegan, and I don’t really know what that is but I’ll turn him into a Christian real soon lol.

So I met Terrance in Geometry. We were both sitting in the back and he saw that I’d written “HORDE SUXX LOL” on my notebook. He was all like, “Yeah they do. My name’s Terrance. What realm are you on?”

I didn’t know what to do. No one has really talked to me since Leanne. I didn’t even know this kid. Is he cool? Is he a fag? IDK [my bff Jill? LOL]. I did what all great leaders do: I went Machiavelli on his ass. Better to be feared than loved LOL.

“I’m on Malfurion, faggot. Where’s your shitfuck toon?”

Terrance put his head down in sheepish deference. “I’ve got a 70 Dranei Shaman on Twisting Nether,” he said. “What’s your name?”

I told him the truth. “My name is General Gunderson.” He laughed. Out of ignorance.

“Seriously, what’s your real name? Like your first name?”

“It’s General Gunderson. If you want more, you’re going to have to earn it.”

We did three slope formula problems in total silence. When the bell rang and we shut our Trapper Keepers, I slipped him a note. It read:

“T-Dog, go home and transfer your character to Malfurion if you want to Quest with the Best. Whisper FlyinHaiAgin. PEACE [through superior spell damage].”

I went home, watched some Charmed and logged on. And there was Terrance, ready and willing to serve. I invited him to {Jesus Is My Epic Trinket}.

FlyinHaiAgin: Welcome to The Trinket, my Nubian friend.
igottaBBC: yo what’s up
FlyinHaiAgin: Chillin’. Are you ready to reign supreme?
igottaBBC: ya i gotta make some bandages first lol
FlyinHaiAgin: Make haste. You won’t need bandages once you’re under the protection of The General.
igottaBBC: but ur not a healer?
FlyinHaiAgin: *sigh*

The young ones, they never understand. But he’s an earnest one, I’ll give him that…

Even great leaders question their judgment over personnel matters. Will Terrance serve me faithfully? Will Terrance try to usurp my power? Is he using me to attain his own glory?

FlyinHaiAgin: Listen up, Moor. I don’t want any funny business.
igottaBBC: like what lol? gerry ur intense
*** igottaBBC has been kicked from {Jesus Is My Epic Trinket}.
igottaBBC whispers: wtf?

FlyinHaiAgin: It’s General Gunderson. Who told you my name?
igottaBBC whispers: i saw it on ur lunch card lol
FlyinHaiAgin: oh
*** igottaBBC has joined {Jesus Is My Epic Trinket}.

Patience, Gerry. That’s what I tell myself. He will serve you. He will fight alongside you. You have no one else to sit with at lunch LOL.

FlyinHaiAgin: Sorry, Dark One. I’ve been betrayed before.
igottaBBC: its cool i like u relax, u wanna do Alterac Valley?
FlyinHaiAgin: Yes, Terrance. Yes, I do.

And an era begins. GERRY’n'TERRY 4EVER LOLLLLLLLLLL!

They told me at Bible Camp that I’d always have a friend in Jesus.

They lied.

I’m alone. No guild, no girl, no glory.

I’m just assuming that Jesus has left me too because if he were walking by my side like my camp counselor promised me he would, he’d never have let this happen to me.

My character, FlyinHaiAgin, may be a gnome warlock, but for all intents and purposes, he is now a rogue.

My demise started when I lost Leanne.

Remember when she blocked me? I did the only thing an honorable General could do – I made another account and whispered her.

TakeMeBackPLZlol: hey girl
Leanneonme: … gerry?
TakeMeBackPLZlol: yeah baby its me. im sorry
Leanneonme: TakeMeBackPLZlol? holy shit you’re a fag
TakeMeBackPLZlol: i said i was sorry i didnt mean it ur not fat
Leannaonme: reporting you 2 blizzard kbai FREAK

And that was that.

I got a 3-day harassment ban after she reported me. I GUESS NO ONE AT BLIZZARD HAS EVER BEEN DUMPED BEFORE.

{Jesus Is My Epic Trinket} collapsed that same night. Apparently not every soul can be converted, no matter how dedicated and how compassionate the evangelism.

Boingboingurmawm: hey wheres leanne
FlyinHaiAgin: boing, leanne won’t be coming back.
Boingboingurmawm: uhhh.. she finally dump ur fag ass? lol
FlyinHaiAgin: we parted ways amicably.
euCLITtyianPWNometry: ok so the only girl in this shitty guild left? fuck this
Boingboingurmawm: ya fuk this shit lol SEE YA u fukkin kweer
Boingboingurmawm has left the guild.
euCLITtyinPWNometry has left the guild.

Like the Exodus in the Old Testament, others followed suit and I was alone the next day. I was a grenadiere with nothing to throw, I was an admiral without a ship. Actually, I was a Guild Master with no one in my guild LOL.

I just didn’t know what to do. I stopped eating Hot Pockets, I stopped drinking Rockstar. Yeah, I went to school, but I wasn’t in the mood to learn anything. I even stopped showering every other day. Well, not that I really needed it – since I wasn’t doing the daily battleground each day, I didn’t even work up a sweat LOL.

My mom noticed that something was wrong. I assumed that she smelled my musk or noticed that my blonde locks weren’t coiffed, but it turns out that she saw I hadn’t come to Azeroth in 3 days. When Gundomomz The DumbAss figures shit out, I guess it’s pretty obvious.

I’m lost. I haven’t led troops to victory in days, I haven’t gotten a “<3" whisper from a girl in even longer, and my guild deserted me. It's over for Gerald. This disgraced General is going AWOL. Don't try to bring me back, either - it won't work. I've busy doing extra credit anyway to bring up my shitty Spanish grades cuz I'm fucking FAILING. Nobody "hablas" that shit in Gary, Indiana so wtf and if they do they're probably poor LOL.

But yeah, guess whose legendary career in Azeroth is OVER? Gerald Gunderson's.

Actually, I'm just gonna re-roll a new toon, probably a paladin, so I can get him to Level 70 before the Wrath of the Lich King expansion comes out. LOL I so fucking fooled you.

Seriously though, I'm pretty lonely help me. :/

In a move that made those chickenshit Herkimers proud, Lionel skirted our duel. I rubbed Superior Wizard Oil on my Merciless Gladiator’s Spellblade for 6 hours at the Gates of Ironforge, all for naught.

W/e. Another win for General Gunderson. This Herkimer thing is like water under the Blackrock Depths bridge. And summer vacation is almost over, wtf. I’m so glad, though… it’s been a rough one. Why? Leanne and I are separated, that’s why.

Leanne [I call her my LOL, Love O'my Lyfe LOL] is that night elf druid I met at Bible Camp. She lives in New Mexico, so I don’t see her that much, but we spend like 14 hours a day together in The Outlands. Sometimes we quest together, sometimes we just sit in Shattrath and talk in trade chat cuz we like to make everyone else jealous LOL.

We thought the best way to keep our relationship solid was to start a guild. So we created {Jesus is My Epic Trinket} together and it was a huge success. We delivered Christianity to over a dozen Azerothians in the first month:

FlyinHaiAgin: {Jesus is My Epic Trinket} is now recruiting Christians and Heathens alike! Whisper for an invite.
Boingboingurmawm: wat
FlyinHaiAgin: u read it fgt
Boingboingurmawm: u got a guild bank and free guild repairs?
FlyinHaiAgin: ya
Boingboingurmawm: ok kewl invite me lol

All was fine and dandy last Thursday. I was running through Stormwind preaching the gospel of Christ (and eating a Chicken and Bacon Hot Pocket LOL) when I saw Leanne from across the Canal. She was almost nude and dancing with some other gnome!

FlyinHaiAgin: wut the fuck bitch wut is this shit
Leanneonme: um im just makin gold
FlyinHaiAgin: wat
Gnomercy: shes dancin fag leave us alone

It turns out that in addition to enchanting and mining, Leanne had another profession – stripping for fags in capitol cities. Yep, for 5g, she sold the sanctity of our e-lationship.

I did what I had to do. Yeah, we founded the guild together, but I turned in the charter so I’m the REAL Guild Master. I demoted Leanne’s guild rank from Apostle to Witness, and let me tell you: Hell hath no fury like a female druid scorned. Srsly.

Leanneonme: ok Gerald wtf i didn’t deserve that
FlyinHaiAgin: wtf? ok first, when we’re in Azeroth, call me General Gunderson
Leanneonme: fu
FlyinHaiAgin: yeah and second, SINS OF THE FLESH HELLOOOO stop that shit plz unless u wanna be single
Leanneonme: i h8 u

Ok, maybe I went too far. There’s a fine line between “sins of the flesh” and being an enterprising businesswoman, and after all, those 5 gold pieces DID go for our n00bs’ repair bills. I decided to tone it down a little:

FlyinHaiAgin: ok well ur fat so fuk u
Leanneonme: what?
FlyinHaiAgin: u heard me go get a cheeseburger LOL
Leanneonme is ignoring you.
Leanneonme has left {Jesus is My Epic Trinket}.

Yep, bitch blocked me.

She’s in a new guild called {Riders of the Short Bus} but she’ll be back, ‘cuz once you go Gerald, your heart is imperiled – LOL.

Like I said, WORST SUMMER VACATION EVER. I can’t wait to get back to school next week so I can tell everyone about how awesome camp was and brag about my conquests in Azeroth *and* on that battlefield called “Love”.

JUNIOR YEAR BABYYYY!!! LOL

Well, the Family Feud continues.

In my time as a General of the Alliance’s God-willed forces – going on 2 years now, mind you – I’ve learned that the past never ceases to haunt even the most capable commanders.

Such is the case with General Gunderson, whose leadership lineage hearkens back to the American Revolution. JuliusBloop writer Lionel Herkimer knows a little something about the Gunderson clan.

Before I led raids for the Shattered Sun Offensive – even before a ragtag group of courageous Gnomes liberated The Scholomance from the clutches of The Scourge – and before I became a warrior in the service of Jesus Christ IRL, that legendary Gunderson blood fueled my destiny.

In the discussion of Lionel’s Diaries of a Desk Clerk, we learned a little bit about his surname Herkimer. Herkimer is famous for two things: diamonds [quartz, not Azerothian LOL] and my ancestor, Jaribald Strunk Gunderson.

I’m a lot like Grandpa Jaribald. Under General Nicholas Herkimer, my Grandpa was a surgeon in the Tryon County Militia, and after a few thousand hours of playtime, my First Aid skill is 375.

Hell, if Grandpa Jaribald could’ve made Heavy Netherweave Bandages, our Patriots would’ve kicked British ass by like 1779 and then we wouldn’t have had to put up with the Beatles or Oasis LOLLL.

Srsly, Nickelback r00lz.

Ok, so what’s all this have to do with stupid Lionel Herkimer? His ancestor, General Herkimer, took a bullet in the leg at the Battle of Oriskany [at least it wasn't a Shadowbolt LOL]. There’s even a famous painting of Herkimer commanding his forces under the duress of injury:

And here, friends and supporters of the Alliance, is where my historical blood libel with Lionel’s stupid Herkimers begins. General Herkimer wasn’t pointing at the militia, he was pointing at Dr. Grandpa Gunderson and yelling, “GET THAT PEON GUNDERSON – MY LEG IS FUCKED” lol

Grandpa Jaribald’s first aid skill sure as Herk [LOL] didn’t come from Theramore’s Triage Quest. He was probably like 125 or something [the Revolution was before the Burning Crusades expansion pack], and you can only wrap wool and cure simple spider poisons at that level. But Herkimer was bitten by a bullet, not a Bane Spider. Grandpa Jaribald didn’t know what to do and General Herkimer died.

That’s how it all started. The Herkimers blamed the Gundersons for Nick’s untimely demise and there’s been tension ever since. Us “Gundoz” have tried to combat it, but the “Herkz” are just hardier than we are. Just compare Lionel’s beard to my nubile, delicate face. You just can’t wrestle with shit like that because you’ll get chaffed.

So now, Lionel, we’re going to settle this in the Nagrand Arena. Download and install the trial, n00b. A Mohawk bullet started it, and my warlock’s Seed of Corruption is going to finish it.

The harassment from the Herkimers was why GundoMomz had to move me in the womb from New York to Gary, Indiana [she told me it was cuz my real dad was a sex offender but I don't buy that shit at all LOL]. Well, guess what, Lionel?

I’m tired of this shit! Meet me on Malfurion at the Gates of Ironforge and be prepared for a fight to the death. HIGH NOON. [I'm in Gary, Indiana so that's high noon Central not Eastern LOL].

The tables have turned, the balance of power has shifted. The Gundersons have God on their side now [and I just put a Runed Living Ruby in my Season 3 Helm so you're gonne get PWNED fgt].

I’ve already notified The Alliance of this most-necessary sabbatical to restore my family honor:

FlyinHaiAgin: hey fagz i need 2 promote sum1 2 lead so i can kick this douchebagz ass LOL
Spurmwayle: me
FartOnU: me
LeetPwnage: fuck u gtfo

The three G’s – God, Gunderson and Gnomes – will end this dispute once and for all. Buff up with Power Word: Fortitude and the Blessing of Kings, Lionel Herkimer. You’re about to get sent to the Spirit Healer.

Gunderson OUT.

Follow his journey
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – Moms Are For Real Life Only
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – Respect your General
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – These Kids Have No Game

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]]> http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-world-of-warcraft-player-its-time-to-play-the-feud/feed/ 6 http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-world-of-warcraft-player-moms-are-for-real-life-only/ http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-world-of-warcraft-player-moms-are-for-real-life-only/#comments Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:23:39 +0000 Gerald Gunderson http://juliusbloop.com/?p=221

I bet you’ve all wondered where I’ve been. Wanna know? Worst summer vacation ever.

Srsly.

Those of you concerned chiefly with my studies and professional well-being will be relieved – I pwned the 10th grade. GENERAL GUNDERSON IS A JUNIOR, BABY! lol.

So there I am, seated on top of the epic flying mount of life, Honor Roll scroll in hand [and the Pizza Hut Scholars coupon I won LOL], ready to cruise into a 3-month tour of duty serving the Alliance.

As gaggles of gnomes wait patiently for my leadership to begin, as hoardes of orcs soil their loincloths, fearing the Wrath of Gunderson, I march triumphantly through the gates of Ironforge.

Amid the cheers of humans, dwarves, night elves and gnomes alike, I hear a matron’s piercing squeal.

“GERRY! I want to play The Warcraft, too.”

Yes, even legendary Generals have mothers.

And how am I to say no to Mother Gunderson, whose VISA card bankrolls our army?

I wasn’t about to share my Alienware war machine, so we, like Sadat and Begin at Camp David, reached a historically-singular compromise. Mother Gunderson would make her own account on my stupid stepdad’s pr0n box.

And thus the human priestess “GundoMomz” was born. I hadn’t quested in Goldshire and Elwynn since I was a n00b like her, but I helped her out anyway. When she hit level 10, she was on her own and at the mercy of Westfall’s Defias Brotherhood.

Boy, was that a mistake.

Everyone on my realm knows The Gunderson. That’s why all the haters to whom I’ve delivered pwnage in the Nagrand Arena told her I was a fag.

biQQrious: yo gundomomz ur kid sux d00dz lol
GundoMomz: What?
biQQrious: u heard me bitch lol

So, I’m in Alterac Valley trudging toward the Frostwolf towers when my mom knocks on the door and asks, “Gerry, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Well, it was almost as if I was a warrior casting Bloodrage. I lost it. My mom stormed out when I yelled at her and I AFK’d the battleground to go into trade chat.

FlyinHaiAgin: who the FUCK is telling my mom that im a fukkin fag i’ll fukkin KILL U
biQQrious: shut up fgt
FlyinHaiAgin: biQQrious where do u live
biQQrious: maryland why
FlyinHaiAgin: ok i need 2 kno where 2 drive so i can rape ur gf and burn down her house

Unfortunately, GundoMomz was sitting in Stormwind. She saw it all. Guess who got grounded for 2 months? The General, that’s who, and it doesn’t even matter that he got provoked into defending his good name. And Blizzard, in a shocking move that showed an utter lack of concern for the Alliance’s well-being, banned me for 30 days.

Ok, you say, Gerald has been gone for like three months, which is more than 30 days. What gives?

She sent me to Bible Camp. SHE SENT ME TO FUCKING BIBLE CAMP. For a month. She said it would cleanse me of my urges and maybe help me lose weight.

But the joke’s on GundoMomz. I left for camp with a suspension from my troops and a mom who thinks I fap to Orlando Bloom and I came back with two loves: my hawt new internet gf and My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Yeah, my gf plays WoW, too. She’s a sexy night elf druid and we have a Christians-only guild together called {Jesus is my Epic Trinket} Praise Jesus and Pwn the Horde!!11

And what about GundoMomz? She’s Level 28 now and sews tailoring shit in Stormwind all day. Someone should log on and tell her to do some goddamn sewing IRL… like fixing the Wranglers I ripped today playing DDR.

Here it is mid-July and my dream summer of leading the Shattered Sun Offensive is pretty much gone thanks to my FUCKING MOM. My ban finally gets lifted in two hours so I’ll be back with another article soon.

In the meantime, I’m going to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy.

Peace!

Gerald Gunderson is JuliusBloop.com’s Gaming Correspondent. He writes out of Gary, Indiana.
Follow his journey
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – Respect your General
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – These Kids Have No Game

]]> http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-world-of-warcraft-player-moms-are-for-real-life-only/feed/ 14 http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-world-of-warcraft-player-respect-your-general/ http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-world-of-warcraft-player-respect-your-general/#comments Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:35:28 +0000 Gerald Gunderson http://juliusbloop.com/?p=167 mom. The "dogs of war" can't slip anywhere when they're cooped up in a kennel because mom didn't pay the internet bill. Thanks, mom, for keeping General Gunderson away from his troops.]]>

Remember reading Julius Caesar in sophomore English? I do, because it was last month. Shakespeare wrote “cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war,” which sounds pretty rad. But guess what?

Shakespeare never met my mom.

The “dogs of war” can’t slip anywhere when they’re cooped up in a kennel because mom didn’t pay the internet bill. Thanks, mom, for keeping General Gunderson away from his troops.

You’d think that a gnome warlock, so small in stature, wouldn’t be able to lead dozens of soldiers into the thick of battle. You’d be wrong.

Commanding the forces of the Alliance in the Arathi Basin battleground is simple, really – each of the five bases that you control awards points, and the goal is to get to 2,000 points first.

General Gunderson knows his Basin, and he knows how best to use his troops. Little do these WoW-soldiers know that when they sign up for a fun fifteen-minute battleground, they’re about to be led by a commander who makes George Patton look like George Pickett.

This General has led his troops to victory over 600 times in the last 3 years. Like Washington leading his army across the Delaware, Gunderson bravely plows through the rushing bandwidth of the RoadRunner Rubicon to defend the Alliance.

I know that new, untrained recruits are largely unreliable. I don’t even get to choose them, but I do my duty to the Alliance and I don’t complain. So when we’re transported to the Basin, I survey my soldiers, come up with the best plan of attack, and then I instruct my army. But do these n00bs heed the advice of their experienced commanding officer?

You tell me:

FlyinHaiAgin: ok u fagz group 1 go to stables group 2 go to mine group 3 go with me to blacksmith
glansHammer: fuck u
FlyinHaiAgin: wat
glansHammer: i said fuck u

The battle begins and these asstards just run willy-nilly through the Basin trying to kill shit. They don’t respect strategy and it’s every man for himself.

SURPRISE! We lose.

Listen, losing happens. I’m not a stupid kid, I know it’s normal. I also know that a good General does whatever he can to help his troops improve. A General is a leader, mentor and spiritual adviser, and General Gunderson is the best at all three.

When we’re about to lose, I always debrief my army:

FlyinHaiAgin: u fuckin idiots why the fuck don’t u listen to me we COULD HAVE WON
kewpiesquirt: wtf? shut up who died and made u boss
FlyinHaiAgin: i did n00b
kewpiesquirt: stfu retard

They’ll learn. Kewpiesquirt is a gnome, too, and gnomes have a +15 racial Intellect bonus, so he’ll learn even faster. But for now, I have to trudge through the seas of my soldiers’ blood that fill the Arathi Basin every 15 minutes.

I keep my head held high, as every good leader does, hoping against hope that better days are in store for the Alliance. If only these assholes would FUCKING LISTEN to General Gunderson, those days would be here like…tomorrow.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, this “dog of war” needs to blitzkrieg the kitchen and get his motherly-quartermaster to microwave some rations.

TOTINO’S!!!! lol

Gerald Gunderson is JuliusBloop.com’s Gaming Correspondent. He writes out of Gary, Indiana.
Follow his journey – Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player – These Kids Have No Game

]]> http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-world-of-warcraft-player-respect-your-general/feed/ 14 http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-wow-player-these-kids-have-no-game/ http://juliusbloop.com/diary-of-a-wow-player-these-kids-have-no-game/#comments Wed, 26 Mar 2008 00:16:06 +0000 Gerald Gunderson http://juliusbloop.com/?p=139

I am at the mercy of children for approximately 86 hours per week.

I speak, of course, of my time spent in the World of Warcraft. I am a Gnome Warlock, a Master Alchemist and an Auction House tycoon.

I rule.

I try to be friendly to the children who play this game. There are lots of them, so I try my best to mentor these kids and develop their WoW skills. I even say fun, crotchety mentor-things like, “I have forgotten more about Arthas than you’ll ever know!” but still…they don’t appreciate me.

Even when I invite some novice dwarf into my guild, when no one else in Trade Chat will even take them seriously, they treat me like dirt. Do they not understand that I’m a modern day Fagin who can teach them to make an honest, honorable living in the vasts of Azeroth and The Outlands? A venerable, loving professor of both the Demonic and the Azerothian academic?

No. No, they do NOT understand and it’s testing my patience more than retrieving the Twin Blades of Azzinoth from Illidan Stormrage of the Black Temple!

I invite these little scamps into my guild “NickelbackFanz4Lyfe” and take them under my wing. I explain the principles of micro AND macro economics as they relate to the Azerothian economy; I test them on buying raw materials low and selling high, I quiz them on the opportunity costs of jumping around in Ironforge when they could be out earning Honor, XP or just letting everyone in the World of Warcraft know that yes, Nickelback still rules.

And what do they do? HAHA. Not what I tell them, that’s for sure.

Here’s a perfect example:

FlyinHaiAgin:“ok u little fgt why are u not out gathering raw mats 4 us to sell”
Meatsauce12: “wat”
FlyinHaiAgin: “ok w/e give me those herbs so i can make you rage potions”
Meatsauce12: “no my dad is making me join his guild bye”

**Meatsauce12 has quit NickelbackFanz4Lyfe.**

Are you fucking kidding me? YOUR FATHER’S GUILD? This is the childish shit I have to deal with.

First, no wonder you’re such a dickheaded little queer – your dad plays WoW with you.

Second, you quit my guild? MY guild? We already established that your dad sucks, so his guild probably sucks, too. But hey, have fun in that sucky guild teeming with suckitude. I’m sure it’ll be lots better than learning from the best.

Fuck you, your dad and your 6th grade friends.

And this is what I put up with day in and day out. These little turds don’t treat me like the professional that I am. They weren’t taught to appreciate experience or respect their elders. They don’t even want to get better at the game! They just want to play with their shitty retard friends and pray they grow a pube.

When you kids finally wise up and want to Quest With the Best, send a whisper to FlyinHaiAgin and we’ll talk.

Gerald Gunderson is JuliusBloop.com’s Gaming Correspondent. He writes out of Gary, Indiana.

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