Creek of Consciousness — juliusbloop.com

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Alien From Galaxy 420, "Take Me To Your Nachos"

May 13, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

Olden times were stupid. Pegs legs and Morse code. Also, did antique hobos use wheelbarrows instead of shopping carts? The answer is…indubitably. I want to open a bar and call it “The Internet.” Mankind’s prayers will be answered and people can finally go to the The Internet to get drunk. Ironically, it will not have WiFi or even a computer cash register. Instead, I’ll use one of those old cash registers with the metal cranks and if people complain I’ll [...]

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Perpetual Thought Machine – My Flying Car Has A Flat

May 9, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

Downloadable food seemed like such a great idea when Applesoft introduced it in 2105 but I prefer to order my beef-flavored sustenance packets the old fashioned way – by text messaging Wal-Mart. The easiest way to tell if someone’s a morning person is the setting on his or her Jogbot. My neighbor’s Jogbot is set to “companion” so it casually jogs alongside her while commenting on the weather and complimenting her hair. My Jogbot is set to “boot camp” which [...]

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Secrets Of The Catholic Church Reveal Puppet Pope

May 5, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

Whenever I’m feeling particularly frustrated, I pop on a wonderful little diddy called Slaughtered by PanterA to cheer me up. Try it out for yourself PanterA – Slaughtered I see dudes who are clearly queer dating women and looking prettier than them. So as far as this girl is concerned, I wonder if the joy of shopping and exchanging clothes with her boyfriend is worth all the awkward butt sex. Waiting for the bus is exactly like being single. You’re [...]

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Final Fantasy Fan Voted "Least Likely To Get Laid"

April 21, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

Recently, I decided to forgo taking a nap in lieu of something more productive so I washed the dishes. As punishment from the nap Gods, I cut my finger on a steak knife. Germans hate everyone. Did you know that when you sneeze and a German says “Gesundheit” it actually means “fuck you!” I figured out how people started collecting sap and making it into maple syrup. There must have been some retarded kid that kept licking trees and eventually [...]

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Sexy Turkeys Stare Hornily At Their Own Reflections

April 10, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

Have you ever wanted some lettuce – so you buy a head of lettuce but then you realize it’s impossible to eat an entire head of lettuce by yourself so what the hell are you going to do with all this goddamn lettuce? What am I? Some kind of insane bunny rabbit that eats so much lettuce that the other bunny rabbits glare at me from a distance and say, “Do you see how much lettuce that douchebag eats? It’s [...]

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Dominos and Pizza Hut Turf Wars Extend Into Messy Bedroom At Mom's House

April 3, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

Important government leaders with their faces immortalized on currency are so awesome. I want to be on some currency that’s so inflated that the starving citizens have to lug wheelbarrow loads of Bloopy coins around just to buy a loaf of bread. Those poor bastards would be so mad and then there’d be me – thousands of me – just smiling forever… I wouldn’t have such a negative disposition if every stupid thing didn’t suck balls so much. Excitement can [...]

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Puppet Porn Outsells Human Porn On The Streets of Sesame

March 27, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

A change of clothing can alter your outlook on life. The transition from pajama pants to jeans is equivalent to giving a dirty hobo a hot shower or giving an old virgin a huge pile of sex. Sunday is national time travel day. Weird Al Yankovic and Tenacious D are decent but the best musical comedy act of all time is Limp Bizkit. Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water is the funniest album title to reference a butthole [...]

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Nickelodeon's Kocain Kids Karnival Is Kancelled

March 20, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

We all need to re-consider our snap judgments of certain types of people. For instance, perhaps crackheads need the undeniable energy of crack rock because they are really ambitious. A meat thermometer is still the most accurate way to test the hotness of a piece of meat. After insertion, measure the time it takes for your meat thermometer to pop. This will determine the hotness of said meat. If you jam it in and wiggle it around until the meat [...]

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Tom Brady Look-a-like Locates Earth's Vagina

March 13, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

Dogs and cats are boring. I want an exotic pet…like a flying squirrel, a fruit bat or a drag queen. Drag queens account for 40% of the makeup market. It isn’t all for their faces, though. Some of it is needed for the thick circle of lipstick they apply to their tucked away penis holes. Single dudes don’t really like videogames – they just play them because they don’t have girlfriends. Then, when they get girlfriends – they only play [...]

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KKK Lynch Alligator In Attempt To Prove They Just Really Like Hanging Stuff

March 6, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

People who talk to their dogs in public as if they were children should spend a moment with the lady on the 7-Eleven bench that talks to a diaper-wearing teddy bear. Everyone will learn a valuable lesson. Well, not the crazy teddy bear lady – she’ll just wipe the bear’s ass with newspaper and slam malt liquor. Gandhi’s most controversial quote was, “All I want is bitches…big booty bitches.” Wait…that was Notorious B.I.G.? Okay, that makes a lot more sense. [...]

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Menstruation Queen Silences Critics – Fills Kiddie Pool

February 28, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

“Cracker” is a Caucasian-targeted derogatory term that clearly references saltines – because Ritz crackers are noticeably tanner than I am. Graham crackers are the athletes of cracker town…but don’t tell them that. It’s a good thing humans can’t carry things ten times their body weight like ants. Trees would get their asses kicked by drunk dudes every night. On the other hand, the African Elephant Toss might finally get me interested in the Olympics. A lot of people tailor their [...]

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Dog-People Populations Spill Into America's Suburbs

February 21, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

If I were a rock I’d want to live in a gentle stream or creek. Dry land is boring as hell when you’re a rock. Yup, a current of water would be an kick-ass party to me and my rock buddies. The self-checkout aisle at the supermarket is a great way to avoid judgmental clerks and still buy embarrassing personal items like condoms, hemorrhoid cream and Eskimo Balls Magazine. A stick to a child is a sword, to a teenager [...]

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