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My Pants Are Like Fed Ex – Full Of Package
Some tan lines can be awesome. Like, the old man I saw with distinct sock lines the other day. That guy can party.
Home » Editorials » Creek of Consciousness (Page 2)
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King Clang A Lang And Friends Play Final Concert
People who work in paperclip factories must hate bending things at home.
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Mojo Humphries Will Eat Your Goodie Bag
A good name for a cat is Ricky Retardo. A good name for a retarded person is Whiskers.
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Baby Monsters Clean Out Ice Cream Trucks
Dear Kevin, A snickers bar and an energy drink is not breakfast. To further illustrate my point, here’s some diarrhea. Sincerely, your body.
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Flag Flu Spreads Wildly Through America
Amazon.com knows me too well. Recently, they suggested three items based on my recent purchases – a heavy metal album, a bandana and Golden Girls Season Five. I’m not sure which to buy first! Answer: Golden Girls.
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Filling Daddy's Shoes And My Underpants
The shower is like a womb with rain where you cover yourself in perfume to distract people in the outside world from your constant pooping.
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Boner Festival Is A Rousing Success
If I had a peanut butter gun, I’d shoot people for a while but then I’d probably just make sandwiches. Eventually, I’d get sick of cleaning and refilling my peanut butter gun and return to the knife and jar method. I miss my peanut butter gun.
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Alcoholic Doll Glamour Shots Flood Blackmarket
There’s a fine line between things that are close together. There’s a thick line between peas and my mouth.
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Child Predators Use Nature To Lure Vegan Children
Somebody once told me that snakes are, “just as scared of you as you are of them.” Yeah, I don’t think so. I doubt any snakes are having reoccurring nightmares of being eaten by millions of me.
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Wall Street Noose Market Open For Business
I hate when some random dude punches you in the face even though you are minding your own business – in the bowling alley bathroom – hiding in a stall – standing on a broken toilet – videotaping the urinal – recording his pee.
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Amazing Pigcat Show Debuts At Local Trailer Park
Monkey-dolphins are man’s best friend – whether they’re swimming in your bathtub, swinging from your chandelier or simply enjoying a sea banana. I’ve often dreamt of having another pet monkey-dolphin but it just wouldn’t be the same. Rest in peace, Mr. Flipper Bubbles.
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NBA All-Star Weekend 1883 is Hoop Heaven
It’s impossible to reference churning butter without it becoming sexual. Unless you actually churn butter for a living– then you probably hate to stroke weiners after work. Or maybe you’re the dong-tug master? I’m really confused.
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