I bet you’ve all wondered where I’ve been. Wanna know? Worst summer vacation ever.

Srsly.

Those of you concerned chiefly with my studies and professional well-being will be relieved - I pwned the 10th grade. GENERAL GUNDERSON IS A JUNIOR, BABY! lol.

So there I am, seated on top of the epic flying mount of life, Honor Roll scroll in hand [and the Pizza Hut Scholars coupon I won LOL], ready to cruise into a 3-month tour of duty serving the Alliance.

As gaggles of gnomes wait patiently for my leadership to begin, as hoardes of orcs soil their loincloths, fearing the Wrath of Gunderson, I march triumphantly through the gates of Ironforge.

Amid the cheers of humans, dwarves, night elves and gnomes alike, I hear a matron’s piercing squeal.

“GERRY! I want to play The Warcraft, too.”

Yes, even legendary Generals have mothers.

And how am I to say no to Mother Gunderson, whose VISA card bankrolls our army?

I wasn’t about to share my Alienware war machine, so we, like Sadat and Begin at Camp David, reached a historically-singular compromise. Mother Gunderson would make her own account on my stupid stepdad’s pr0n box.

And thus the human priestess “GundoMomz” was born. I hadn’t quested in Goldshire and Elwynn since I was a n00b like her, but I helped her out anyway. When she hit level 10, she was on her own and at the mercy of Westfall’s Defias Brotherhood.

Boy, was that a mistake.

Everyone on my realm knows The Gunderson. That’s why all the haters to whom I’ve delivered pwnage in the Nagrand Arena told her I was a fag.

biQQrious: yo gundomomz ur kid sux d00dz lol
GundoMomz: What?
biQQrious: u heard me bitch lol

So, I’m in Alterac Valley trudging toward the Frostwolf towers when my mom knocks on the door and asks, “Gerry, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Well, it was almost as if I was a warrior casting Bloodrage. I lost it. My mom stormed out when I yelled at her and I AFK’d the battleground to go into trade chat.

FlyinHaiAgin: who the FUCK is telling my mom that im a fukkin fag i’ll fukkin KILL U
biQQrious: shut up fgt
FlyinHaiAgin: biQQrious where do u live
biQQrious: maryland why
FlyinHaiAgin: ok i need 2 kno where 2 drive so i can rape ur gf and burn down her house

Unfortunately, GundoMomz was sitting in Stormwind. She saw it all. Guess who got grounded for 2 months? The General, that’s who, and it doesn’t even matter that he got provoked into defending his good name. And Blizzard, in a shocking move that showed an utter lack of concern for the Alliance’s well-being, banned me for 30 days.

Ok, you say, Gerald has been gone for like three months, which is more than 30 days. What gives?

She sent me to Bible Camp. SHE SENT ME TO FUCKING BIBLE CAMP. For a month. She said it would cleanse me of my urges and maybe help me lose weight.

But the joke’s on GundoMomz. I left for camp with a suspension from my troops and a mom who thinks I fap to Orlando Bloom and I came back with two loves: my hawt new internet gf and My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Yeah, my gf plays WoW, too. She’s a sexy night elf druid and we have a Christians-only guild together called {Jesus is my Epic Trinket} Praise Jesus and Pwn the Horde!!11

And what about GundoMomz? She’s Level 28 now and sews tailoring shit in Stormwind all day. Someone should log on and tell her to do some goddamn sewing IRL… like fixing the Wranglers I ripped today playing DDR.

Here it is mid-July and my dream summer of leading the Shattered Sun Offensive is pretty much gone thanks to my FUCKING MOM. My ban finally gets lifted in two hours so I’ll be back with another article soon.

In the meantime, I’m going to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy.

Peace!

Remember reading Julius Caesar in sophomore English? I do, because it was last month. Shakespeare wrote “cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war,” which sounds pretty rad. But guess what?

Shakespeare never met my mom.

The “dogs of war” can’t slip anywhere when they’re cooped up in a kennel because mom didn’t pay the internet bill. Thanks, mom, for keeping General Gunderson away from his troops.

You’d think that a gnome warlock, so small in stature, wouldn’t be able to lead dozens of soldiers into the thick of battle. You’d be wrong.

Commanding the forces of the Alliance in the Arathi Basin battleground is simple, really - each of the five bases that you control awards points, and the goal is to get to 2,000 points first.

General Gunderson knows his Basin, and he knows how best to use his troops. Little do these WoW-soldiers know that when they sign up for a fun fifteen-minute battleground, they’re about to be led by a commander who makes George Patton look like George Pickett.

This General has led his troops to victory over 600 times in the last 3 years. Like Washington leading his army across the Delaware, Gunderson bravely plows through the rushing bandwidth of the RoadRunner Rubicon to defend the Alliance.

I know that new, untrained recruits are largely unreliable. I don’t even get to choose them, but I do my duty to the Alliance and I don’t complain. So when we’re transported to the Basin, I survey my soldiers, come up with the best plan of attack, and then I instruct my army. But do these n00bs heed the advice of their experienced commanding officer?

You tell me:

FlyinHaiAgin: ok u fagz group 1 go to stables group 2 go to mine group 3 go with me to blacksmith
glansHammer: fuck u
FlyinHaiAgin: wat
glansHammer: i said fuck u

The battle begins and these asstards just run willy-nilly through the Basin trying to kill shit. They don’t respect strategy and it’s every man for himself.

SURPRISE! We lose.

Listen, losing happens. I’m not a stupid kid, I know it’s normal. I also know that a good General does whatever he can to help his troops improve. A General is a leader, mentor and spiritual adviser, and General Gunderson is the best at all three.

When we’re about to lose, I always debrief my army:

FlyinHaiAgin: u fuckin idiots why the fuck don’t u listen to me we COULD HAVE WON
kewpiesquirt: wtf? shut up who died and made u boss
FlyinHaiAgin: i did n00b
kewpiesquirt: stfu retard

They’ll learn. Kewpiesquirt is a gnome, too, and gnomes have a +15 racial Intellect bonus, so he’ll learn even faster. But for now, I have to trudge through the seas of my soldiers’ blood that fill the Arathi Basin every 15 minutes.

I keep my head held high, as every good leader does, hoping against hope that better days are in store for the Alliance. If only these assholes would FUCKING LISTEN to General Gunderson, those days would be here like…tomorrow.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, this “dog of war” needs to blitzkrieg the kitchen and get his motherly-quartermaster to microwave some rations.

TOTINO’S!!!! lol

I am at the mercy of children for approximately 86 hours per week.

I speak, of course, of my time spent in the World of Warcraft. I am a Gnome Warlock, a Master Alchemist and an Auction House tycoon.

I rule.

I try to be friendly to the children who play this game. There are lots of them, so I try my best to mentor these kids and develop their WoW skills. I even say fun, crotchety mentor-things like, “I have forgotten more about Arthas than you’ll ever know!” but still…they don’t appreciate me.

Even when I invite some novice dwarf into my guild, when no one else in Trade Chat will even take them seriously, they treat me like dirt. Do they not understand that I’m a modern day Fagin who can teach them to make an honest, honorable living in the vasts of Azeroth and The Outlands? A venerable, loving professor of both the Demonic and the Azerothian academic?

No. No, they do NOT understand and it’s testing my patience more than retrieving the Twin Blades of Azzinoth from Illidan Stormrage of the Black Temple!

I invite these little scamps into my guild “NickelbackFanz4Lyfe” and take them under my wing. I explain the principles of micro AND macro economics as they relate to the Azerothian economy; I test them on buying raw materials low and selling high, I quiz them on the opportunity costs of jumping around in Ironforge when they could be out earning Honor, XP or just letting everyone in the World of Warcraft know that yes, Nickelback still rules.

And what do they do? HAHA. Not what I tell them, that’s for sure.

Here’s a perfect example:

FlyinHaiAgin:“ok u little fgt why are u not out gathering raw mats 4 us to sell”
Meatsauce12: “wat”
FlyinHaiAgin: “ok w/e give me those herbs so i can make you rage potions”
Meatsauce12: “no my dad is making me join his guild bye”

**Meatsauce12 has quit NickelbackFanz4Lyfe.**

Are you fucking kidding me? YOUR FATHER’S GUILD? This is the childish shit I have to deal with.

First, no wonder you’re such a dickheaded little queer - your dad plays WoW with you.

Second, you quit my guild? MY guild? We already established that your dad sucks, so his guild probably sucks, too. But hey, have fun in that sucky guild teeming with suckitude. I’m sure it’ll be lots better than learning from the best.

Fuck you, your dad and your 6th grade friends.

And this is what I put up with day in and day out. These little turds don’t treat me like the professional that I am. They weren’t taught to appreciate experience or respect their elders. They don’t even want to get better at the game! They just want to play with their shitty retard friends and pray they grow a pube.

When you kids finally wise up and want to Quest With the Best, send a whisper to FlyinHaiAgin and we’ll talk.