Home » Editorials » Creek of Consciousness (Page 7)

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  At the end of the day I figure – hey, at least I don't collect Super Soakers.

  October 15, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  Sometimes the decision to take a shower is like Sophie’s Choice. On one hand you’re guaranteed to feel refreshed and revitalized but on the other hand you have to remove those comfortable pajama pants and get wet. However, adding a hot chick to this decision immediately changes it from Sophie’s Choice to Do The Right Thing. I like when whipped butter looks like a scoop of vanilla ice cream because it makes me look like less of a weirdo when [...]

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  Somebody make me a fried cheesecake sandwich, please.

  September 17, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  It’s irrational that bulls are angered by the color red. Aren’t dogs colorblind? And aren’t bulls just enormous dogs that snort smoke out of their pierced nostrils? On that note – aren’t deer just dogs running loose in your backyard that are constantly getting hit by cars? Y’know, I’m pretty sure birds are dogs somehow too. Whenever there’s a middle-aged man riding a crappy bike on the side of the highway you’ve gotta assume he loves booze. A lot of [...]

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  I blame Snagglepuss for pink shirt, popped-collar douchebags

  August 26, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  You better not have to take dumps in Heaven. I’m sure that God would try to make it all nice with feather-laced seats and silk toilet paper but fuck that, man – how about just no more pooping? A friend of mine used to work in a home for schizophrenics and every night he would have to brush their teeth. I think if one of those schizos was a former pimp he’d eat a ton of corn on the cob [...]

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• My stamp collection consists entirely of Fabergé eggs

  August 6, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  Horse-tranquilizers are for wusses. I inject whale tranquilizers into my lonely and mis-guided adolescent face. People get upset over the half-naked women being objectified in hip hop videos but isn’t a music video merely a representation of what it’s like to be inside the song? And have you ever been inside a rap song? There are literally hoes shaking their giant asses everywhere! Beef jerky is the official snack of poverty. As children we spend a great deal of time [...]

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  Life is mean – my feelings are hurtee

  July 24, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  The following was published in The Leader in October 2005. I believe in the value of organized religion in modern society. I also believe that the toilet bowl is a great place to find ice cream. If I ever get brutally murdered I hope there’s circus music playing in the background. That’d be hilarious. And forget dirt. I want to be buried in creamy peanut butter. But not chunky. That would just be gross. I’m thinking of getting a tribal [...]

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  I built a sand castle out of snow. U.S.A.

  July 22, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  The following was printed in The Leader in Spring 2006. I can’t wait to buy the three disc, criterion collection, superbit, collector’s box set DVD of some stupid fucking movie I don’t even like. I need to complete my collection! The only way to watch Law & Order is if you catch it from the beginning or you’re stuck in a room with a TV and an old person. I think we’re all tired of the soda vs. pop debate. [...]

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  Untitled from the desk of…

  July 21, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  The following was published in Fredonia’s campus newspaper – The Leader in February 2005.  The next time you buy something you really love you should enjoy it to its fullest extent. Then, you should shit on it. Then, you should buy a new one because you’re an idiot and you shat on your last copy. I hate when you tell someone about a new movie you liked and they respond by saying that the book was better. Those people should quit bragging [...]

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