Home » Editorials » Creek of Consciousness (Page 6)

• 

  Uncle Goink's Banjo Time Turns Creepily Into Uncle Goink's Manjo Time

  February 14, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

  You know you’re getting old when you can’t eat certain foods anymore. I used to inhale cheese-slathered beef nachos and my iron stomach wouldn’t waver. Now, I need to confirm the distance to the nearest restroom before sipping a glass of vitamin water. My first menstruation is going to be scary because I don’t even have a vagina. Can we do something about that hard plastic packaging that is impossible to open and will literally cut you? I recently saw [...]

  Continue reading »

• 

  Cave Babies Mobilize – Gerber Employees Fear For Lives

  February 5, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

  I am amazed by facebook members that have over a thousand pictures of themselves. I don’t think a thousand pictures of me exist in this dimension let alone the Internet. Note: The Internet is a different dimension. Food is always best in sandwich form – turkey, fried haddock and me. The “bread” in the case of “me” is hot chicks with the occasional slice of pumpernickel. No cheese. Fat People Alert: I have recently noticed a poster for a peanut [...]

  Continue reading »

• 

  Government Enacts Elimination of the Bowl Cut: Offers Free Hippo Rides

  January 26, 2008 / Creek of Consciousness

  Someone once told me that eating fast food is incredibly unhealthy for your body. I don’t remember who told me that, though. Oh, that’s right, it was my asshole. Taco Bell is to me as canned spinach is to Popeye. However, instead of battleships firing cannonballs inside exaggerated biceps, the white flag of surrender waves inside my lower intestines and my consciousness sinks to the bottom of the Nap Sea. IKEA is an enormous home furnishing outlet where not only [...]

  Continue reading »

•  
• 

  Aliens Traverse Space and Time to Abduct Metallica Prior to Haircuts

  December 21, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  There’s never enough time in the day and that’s why cloning is necessary. My clone will eat peanut butter cookies by the sleeve and have a harem of smokin’ hot girlfriends – one to represent each race. But I better have some kind of psychic connection with my clone to vicariously experience his life or else what’s the point? Actually, forget it – I can’t allow this to turn into Double Impact, the movie with two Van Dammes. No one [...]

  Continue reading »

• 

  Emo Bulls Refuse to Run In Pamploma.

  December 14, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  If this was medieval times and I was King, I’d commission the greatest bakers in the land to make a dragon-sized donut. I’d take one bite out of it and declare it the most delicious treat among the living. Then I’d force my guards to toss the remainder of it in the bottomless pit of Grogom. That’ll probably teach ‘em something. I’m an awesome King. A manhattan is exactly like fruit punch except it’s made out of whiskey, makes you [...]

  Continue reading »

• 

  Scotch and Cigars: The Lecherous Grandpa Diet Since 1494

  December 8, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  Next time you’re cutting up those plastic loops that hold together a six-pack of cans make sure you say, “There you go, ducks. Saved you again.” Then, later that evening when you’re at a fancy restaurant eating roasted duck slathered in duck sauce you can say, “Ha Ha – fooled ya, Daffy!” I’m cynical enough with a full head of hair – I can’t imagine being bald. Every tragedy in life would be compounded by my baldness. I stubbed my [...]

  Continue reading »

•  
• 

  New Study Suggests Bald Assholes Think Stuffed Koala Bears Are Babies.

  November 29, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  Grandfather clocks are too expensive. Unless grandfathers actually turn into clocks when they die – then they’d be totally worth it. I’d buy the Rodney Dangerfield grandfather clock so that time would be hilarious and get no respect. The happiest place on Earth is not Disney World. The happiest place on Earth is the ice cream rainbow that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny sleep on. Sew what? is the best name for a sewing store. It works on so [...]

  Continue reading »

• 

  Space Gas on Mars has reached 9 trillion Glorps per Gallon.

  November 21, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  Continue reading »

• 

  The TV Writer's Strike has led to the firing of the crew from ABC's Snazzle Hats.

  November 15, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  Human ingenuity can transform everyday items into remarkable, multifaceted objects. For instance, a hobo in downtown Portland discovered that a broken umbrella can become a magical cloaking device that conceals the act of smoking crack from passersby. I almost slipped and fell in the shower today and it was terrifying. No wonder old people smell so bad – nobody wants to die wet and naked. Interestingly enough, the opposite applies to fish. A four pack of Guinness is more expensive [...]

  Continue reading »

•  
• 

  Ron Paul is 17-feet tall and has the Bill of Rights tattooed on his balls.

  November 7, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  One time I had to sleep at a truck stop behind a Wendy’s with a horny old trucker driver. His name was Hugo and after he had his way with me the only things he left were a dirty quarter and a pat on the back. Oh, and a temporary tattoo of a butterfly. I guess it was worth it. It’s a good thing dudes aren’t the ones secreting natural lubrication in response to sexual arousal. The world would be [...]

  Continue reading »

• 

  Some nerds built a life-size version of Mouse Trap and life is good.

  November 2, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  Legitimate painters are still fuming over the success of Bob Ross. That guy shat out joyful trees and friendly mountains and subsequently became adored by millions because of playful musings and an Afro whose only rival in sheer fluffiness were the happy little clouds he painted.  Instead of writing “wash me” in the dirt of a stranger’s filthy car why not leave a more cryptic message like “drain the swamp food, Willy!” They’ll wash their vehicle immediately and then give [...]

  Continue reading »

• 

  The Ultimate Warrior was made out of 100% muscles and tassles.

  October 23, 2007 / Creek of Consciousness

  When it’s time to explain the fragility of life to your child – explain to him that even Cap’N Crunch eventually gets soggy. And if he still doesn’t understand – put the padded helmet back on his head and tighten his ropes. It’s going to be a long, hard life for little Rocko. If food were a book – I’d have a distended malnourishment belly and my face would be covered in flies. Denny’s now has a specific club for [...]

  Continue reading »

•