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World's Most Unoffensive Mascot Is Oddly Offensive
…and I was so upset that you’d swear in that moment – I had a baby, named it, and raised it just long enough for it to kick me in the balls and runaway forever.
Home » Editorials » Creek of Consciousness (Page 4)
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Dorleen Muntz Wins Gold In The 100m Child Abuse
I check my email so frequently that I look forward to spam just so I have something to delete. Dear TV Programmers – give women’s beach volleyball its own channel. Some naysayers will scoff at the idea but we’ll make the girls read a poem about feminism after each match – that’ll win those intellectual-types over. Someone tell bees that I’m not a flower. They swarm me like I’m somehow going to add to their stupid honey collection. I guess [...]
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Kramer Stabbington Leaves For Murder Camp
Some complain we live in an overly-cautious society but it’s a good thing new hotels have sprinkler systems in the bathroom or I never would have put out that toilet fire. Bad things are funny in sandwich form. Turd sandwich, Racist sandwich, Hitler sandwich. The Hitler sandwich is brussel sprouts and motor oil inside two slices of baby. People with tumors have the ultimate excuse. Sorry I forgot your birthday, y’know…tumor. Sorry I forgot my tumor-removal appointment, y’know…tumor. If mustache [...]
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Perpetual Thought Machine – Caffeine Donuts May Cause Yummy Cancer
I’ve been thinking of vacationing outside the dome but then I’d have to pick up my environsuit from the cleaners, rent artificial lung tanks and brush up on my Flargonese. “Gleetor Doo” means, “Where’s the toilet pad?” Whatever, Flargons! Lawyers are like herpes. Everyone’s got them and they’re expensive to suppress. Some animals that we’ve allowed to exist are cool but others should go back to extinction. Dreamflies are awesome but I hate those depressing Butterflies. I wish I could [...]
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Crystal Meth Wagon Greets America's Beach Babies
I remember the night I saw that future car with the canary wings. I also remember earlier that morning when I ate those mushrooms. Tree heaven is the bottom of a waterfall. After hundreds of years being deeply rooted in the Earth, there’s no greater death than tumbling off a cliff and landing at the bottom of one. Sure, you’re a dead tree, but, man…waterfall! There are some hobbies I’m glad I never picked up. Like reading. I don’t know [...]
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Perpetual Thought Machine – Healthy Cigarettes Banned From Seedy Joints
Puberty is an awkward time for everyone but it was downright traumatizing for me. It wasn’t so much the hair in strange places but the shock of my first poop. I often wonder where colloquialisms like, “Whoomp there it is!” and, “Dead as a dogbot!” come from. Oh, that’s right, the soldiers outside my window. Have you tried new Frosted Soylent Green cereal? It’s better than the Berry Berry flavor but still can’t compete with Coco because once you finish [...]
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Talking Machines Going Fast – Get Yours A Hundred Years Ago
Paranoia can often be misplaced. Lately, I haven’t been scanning my rewards card at the supermarket because I think the government is monitoring my spending habits. The CIA is gonna know I love Mountain Dew! When bachelor life gets a bit mundane it’s important to spice things up. The other night I washed the dishes with sunglasses on and it totally kicked ass – until I woke up the next day and the dishes were dirty. I learn a lot [...]
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Androgynous Child To Marry Captain StillbornFace
It’s sad when you realize how low you’ve set your life expectations. The other night I had an elaborate dream in which I complained about the small nacho portions at a local sports bar. Tomorrow night I’m shooting for a dream about napping. Have you ever eaten so much that you feel like a pig? It must be the animal inside us. Thanks, Tapeworm! “Wrong number” phone calls are the worst. Yesterday, a guy called my cellphone claiming I had [...]
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Old Coot Prepared To Beat The Shit Out Of Everyone
Why doesn’t shampoo have a protective seal over it like food? Criminals might poison my bottle of Suave and send me to an early grave. Just because most people don’t eat shampoo doesn’t mean that some of us don’t need a drop or two for some added tongue volume and shine! I want to start being more pretentious so I’m going to judge things based solely on their “intellectual value”. That painting has no intellectual value, this song has no [...]
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Perpetual Thought Machine – Two Squids, One Bucket Dominates Internet
MTVh1 had Donald Trump III on Space Cribs last night and his residence pod was beyond typical extravagance. Sure, he had oil lamps and a hangar filled with luxury air cars but I almost feinted when they revealed his banana tree. I didn’t think anyone outside of the Royal Intergalactic family could afford a flarking banana tree! Kids say the darndest things. Like one time my nephew said, “Can I have an orange soda?” I was like, “Haha, what other [...]
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"Tire On Asian Grandma" – Hottest New Carnival Attraction
It’s weird how guarded we speak when not amongst friends. Recently, I overheard a couple discussing how traffic was the worst thing in the world and I really wanted to say, “Yeah, traffic’s bad but I’m pretty sure getting butt-raped by your Uncle Clown Face is worse.” Instead I said, “Yeah, traffic sucks!” Why do co-workers insist on wanting to hang out after work? We just hung out for eight hours! What’re you? My wife? If I wanted a wife [...]
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Perpetual Thought Machine – Segway Bridge Construction Delayed Due To Lack Of Interest
Sometimes, one little discovery can solve a great mystery. Like when your travel disc won’t start and suddenly you notice the Jupiter crystal is dirty or when Bea Arthur cast aside her lowly celebrity shell and was finally revealed as Mother of all CelibriGods. Have you seen the new Heinz squeeze bottle that only combines ketchup, mustard, BBQ sauce, and mayonnaise? Don’t tell me I have to buy a separate squeeze bottle for tartar sauce now. What is this? The [...]
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