Captain Banana Crushes Bank, Saves Economy
I struggle back and forth between being hot and cold so much you’d swear I was a menopausal woman. Also, I can no longer menstruate. And I hate your father.
Girls who give guys the “half-hug” need to know how insulting that is. Okay, apparently you don’t want your boobs to touch my chest but it’s not like I’m getting a boner out of the deal so chill out and give me a real fucking hug, grandma.
Have you ever seen a person whose face was so flat that you want to eat breakfast off it? Or a nose so big that you want to go rock climbing? Or a glarp so flarp that you want to shmarp a darp larp? Basically, I need a therapist.
It’s funny how sex can predicate how productive your day was. Let’s see, today I worked overtime, mailed thank you cards to my extended family, bought organic groceries and picked up my dry cleaning. Yeah but did you have sex? No… Faggot!
Alcoholics are never bored because even if there’s nothing on TV it’s like, oh yeah – booze!
Sometimes after a long night of drinking, your body is like, “Waahh I’m dehydrated! My pee is dark yellow!” So you force down a glass of water and you’re like, “There you go, body! Now shut up!” But, not ten minutes later your body’s all like, “Nooo, not heroin!”
My next YouTube video will show a baby laughing at a drunk squirrel while some fat kid in the background does the Macarena with poop in his pants. Oh, and the whole thing is a local news blooper. Ten million views, here I come!
I know what you mean. My body’s such a cry baby too.
My grandma had a partial mastectomy so those full hugs can be weird. She wears a prosthetic and it’s like hugging your grandma with a nerf football wedged between you. I guess that it’s better than hugging my grandmother with a huge cancerous breast in the way.
Also, I’m an alcoholic and that’s probably why I end up watching the QVC knife show at 3am. So many people I want to stab. Those 397 pc. knife sets look full of value now.
your grandma sounds HOT.