Can't Teach An Old Alchemist New Transmutations

Today was just another ordinary day at Dan Plesac Technical High School in Gary, Indiana.

Uh, ordinary other than that it was the first day of my SENIOR YEAR LOLOLOLOL!!!!11

You got it, bish. Senior year. We’re the Alpha males, we’re the raid leaders, we’re King Wrynn of Stormwind, and every peon below us is fishing crocolisks out of the sewers for some low-level daily quest.

The first day of Senior Year felt just like the moment I dinged to Level 80. Just like I knew it would, all that hard work suddenly paid off.

And just like when you ding 80, the minute you’re a Senior some r-tard is there to start giving you shit.

So I walk into Chemistry and go through the usual routine. I sit down next to Terrance, because members of the {Jesus Is My Epic Trinket} guild ALWAYS stick together. We pull out our matching Trapper Keepers, both adorned with the Alliance crest and our pink and baby blue guild rabbit. We wait until everyone’s quiet, then we riiiiip open the velcro. Our classmates feign disgust, but they’ve sure as Hellfire gotten the message: The Trinket does what it wants, when it wants.

I guess Eugene Lowenstein, our Chemistry teacher, didn’t get that memo in his faculty mailbox. He stopped taking attendance and said, “Gerald, let’s not start this year off on the wrong foot.”

I thought about telling him to stfu because every pair of my boots is enchanted with Surefooted, but that’s not The Trinket way. We roll strategy the Sun-Tzu way.

Even so, a true leader doesn’t stand down when his honor is at stake. “It’s General Gunderson, alchemist Lowenstein.” Pwned.

Alchemist Lowenstein laughed. Out of fear.

“Alchemist? I see your chemistry vocabulary has increased over the summer, General Gunderson.”

What an idiot. What a fucking idiot, srsly. I thought teachers had to go to college or have a degree or something. Or at least not be TOTALLY FUCKING RETARDED.

Over the summer? Yeah, fool. Wrath of the Lich King came out like a YEAR ago. FlyinHaiAgin, my Level 80 Gnome Warlock, has been a Grand Master Alchemist since Fall of ’08. The only thing Lowenstein is the Grand Master of is pretending his dick is bigger than a bunsen burner LOL.

I shot a knowing glance to Terrance, who nodded in solidarity. A General has wars to plan and battles for which he must prepare. I decided to leave this hapless old man-crone to his “craft.” I opened up my Trapper Keeper to a fresh sheet of parchment and drew a sweet gnome warrior with a fucking HUGE dick lol.

A few minutes later and the pseudo-sage spoke again. “You’ve all seen the syllabus by now. Are there any topics not listed that you want to cover this year?” The room was, predictably, silent. After all, these dipshit younglings haven’t even made a Weak Troll’s Blood Elixir. Worse yet, I bet they never will.

I don’t know who recognized this unique opportunity first, me or Terrance. We both put our hands up at the same time but I slapped his down to the desk because WTF, I’m the General.

Lowenstein acknowledged me. He didn’t bow, but he was quick to respond. “Yes, Gerry?”

“Can we transmute?” He stared back at me with the blank ignorance of a n00b about to take a Shadowbolt up his pooper in Warsong Gulch. Terrance could barely contain himself, but he managed to slap me five under the desk.

“I’m sorry, Gerry – what do you mean by transmute?” I sighed loudly. I wanted everyone in the class to know exactly how much of a loser this Lowenstein creature really was. I figured I had to explain this one in faggotard terms so he MIGHT have a chance to understand.

“It’s where you take one thing and turn it into another, completely different thing.”

“Well… some of the labs you see listed do that. I think you’ll all find that Chemistry labs are very, very interesting.” Fat fucking chance. I bet this guy’s degree didn’t even include a specialization in elixirs OR potions.

Why do I get the feeling that this Grand Master is going to have to mop up behind Lowenstein ALL YEAR LONG? Well, if I don’t, we all know that those around me will suffer. A kind, compassionate leader loves his people enough to jettison the 450 artisan’s pride and help n00bz make a few Holy Protection Potions now and again. Their hunger for mystical, arcane knowledge will be fulfilled.

And if they’re still hungry I’ll tell GundoMomz to bring us some Totino’s and Mountain Dew Game Fuel LOL. I mean except for Terrance, I love the guy but he’s HUGE lol he always eats all my shit when he’s over.

I couldn’t wait to go home, log on to the Malfurion realm and tell EVERYONE in Alliance trade chat about this sad, pathetic n00b.

FlyinHaiAgin: yo d00dz u wouldn’t believe my chemistry teacher LOL he didn’t even know about transmuting sooo stewpid
Atreyooo: looking 4 jewelcrafter to make Ametrine whisper me
Stabachu: anyone wanna do a dungeon im bored lol
FlyinHaiAgin: hahah ya srsly what a fag LOL i totally pwned him and everyone in the class was lyke “omg did u hear wat gerry just said” LOL
joeROGUEan: stfu you fat fuck no one likes you go die in a fire

They hate me cuz they ain’t me LOL. Srsly though these kids will understand when they’re older and wiser. They’ll learn to respect those who have a knowledge greater than they themselves will ever attain. They’ll also learn to pwn the imposters who stand in front of a classroom and pretend they know something about alchemy when they haven’t even turned an iron belt buckle into solid gold.

LOWENSTEIN FAIL lollllllll!!!!111

Being a senior RULES. Gunderson OUT.