Bring Your Pet To Work Day A Grapetacular Success

I bought a Snuggie and it didn’t work at all. I took a dump inside of it and it just made a huge mess! Thanks for nothing, Snuggie.

The next time I leave my apartment without my bike I’m just going to skip along screaming, “Invisible bike! I’m a man riding an invisible bike!” I assume a few people will laugh, most will be frightened and one person will be completely amazed. They’ll probably ask for my autograph – and they’ll get it.

Old people schedule their days around food. Breakfast is concluded by a discussion about Lunch and Lunch leads to Dinner deliberations. The only time old people forget about meals is when the news is on unless there’s some crazy story involving a dinner-related murder at a Bed & Breakfast in Lunchland. Then, shit just gets crazy.

You always hear tales about kids pooping in ball pits at McDonalds but I’ve never actually seen it. And trust me, I spend a lot of time staring at kids in McDonald’s Playpen. Why do you think I’m wearing this ankle bracelet? Because it’s cool? Well, the kids think it’s cool – but their parents don’t!

Today it snowed for the first time all year. So I made a snowball, threw it at a dumpster and went back inside to surf the Internet. This concludes my outdoors activities for the winter.

I got depression from a toilet seat.

There needs to be a TV show called The Scientific Methhead. Basically, it will be like Bill Nye: The Science Guy only the host will be addicted to meth. Oh, the host is still Bill Nye. That guy has a problem.

Dear Jelly Jar, I’m sorry I got peanut butter specks inside you. I was negligent in wiping the knife clean of PB on the bread before I swooped in for some of your fruity goodness. P.S. – I’m pregnant with a fat baby and it’s yours.