Boner Festival Is A Rousing Success

If I had a peanut butter gun, I’d shoot people for a while but then I’d probably just make sandwiches. Eventually, I’d get sick of cleaning and refilling my peanut butter gun and return to the knife and jar method. I miss my peanut butter gun.

Old cartoons symbolize your conscious as a struggle between an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. In reality, the angel is in your heart, the devil is in your brain and a fat goblin is in your belly. He wants pizza.

People probably wouldn’t be so impressed with birds if women had feathers. Although, I guess birds would still have that flight thing going for them. And some birds can talk. Man, I need to start dating birds.

One time a sidewalk solicitor stopped me and asked if I wanted to save the ocean – which was really annoying because I was late for dinner at Red Lobster.

I hate the pressure of being young and expected to accomplish stuff. Old people don’t feel that pressure at all. All they need to do is not die. That’s a sweet deal.

The beach is the perfect place to hide your fat belly in the ocean, your unclipped toe nails in the sand and your sunburned skin under a giant umbrella. It’s also the best place to pretend to read a book, eat sandy sandwiches and rekindle your fear of sharks. Anyone want to go to the beach? I’ll bring the shame, you bring the weapons.