Best Of – Creek Of Consciousness

If we establish a moon colony I imagine that moon hobos will make spacesuits out of bubble wrap and coffee cans. Unfortunately, these makeshift suits won’t work and they’ll die horrible space deaths. On the plus side, homelessness is not a problem on the United States of Moon!

The meal after breakfast and before lunch is called brunch. The meal in between brunch and lunch is called “you’re fat”.

Stereotypes are re-enforced everyday. Today, I saw two senior citizens at Walgreens buying bags of dried fruit. And behind me in line was a black guy buying a giant penis.

Eskimos waste all their time building igloos and spearing whales when all they need to do to have fun is move out of the tundra. I’d call the Eskimos and explain this to them but I don’t have a phone made of snowballs.

My first menstruation is going to be scary because I don’t even have a vagina.

If mustache rides are five cents how much for a beard ride? Does it depend on the length or cut of the beard? How much for a Lincoln? I’ll give you twenty bucks for a ZZ Top!

If I ate a cupcake for every time I’ve enjoyed eating a pea I would eat no goddamn cupcakes.

It’s irrational that bulls are angered by the color red. Aren’t dogs colorblind? And aren’t bulls just enormous dogs that snort smoke out of their pierced nostrils? On that note – aren’t deer just dogs running loose in your backyard that are constantly getting hit by cars? Y’know, I’m pretty sure birds are dogs somehow too.

I believe in the value of organized religion in modern society. I also believe that the toilet bowl is a great place to find ice cream.

Why do co-workers insist on wanting to hang out after work? We just hung out for eight hours! What’re you? My wife? If I wanted a wife – I’d pretend to like stuff.

The globe people should rename the Tropic of Cancer to something more friendly. Like, the Tropic of Flowers or maybe the Tropic of Fuzzy. I’d feel a lot better about not thinking about that place ever.

Being stuck behind a baby taking its first steps is the most adorably frustrating thing in the world.

Today, I was wondering why you never see any pictures of black cowboys. Then I remembered that whole slavery thing and I felt bad.

In Canada do they call Canadian bacon…bacon? In Texas do they call Texas toast…toast? In West Virginia do they call incestuous sex…sex?

I like when my shadow is huge and I’m all like, “Yeah, now I can play basketball!” and then a basketball player walks by and is all like, “Yeah, now I’m a building!”

I wonder what would happen if you wrote a short story that was a tall tale. Surely something would explode.

Grandfather clocks are too expensive. Unless grandfathers actually turn into clocks when they die – then they’d be totally worth it. I’d buy the Rodney Dangerfield grandfather clock so that time would be hilarious and get no respect.

A vibrating cell phone is a lot like a crying baby. Except you go to jail for putting the baby in “silence mode.”