Bertha Barfa's Back Alley Milk Stand Busted

Today, I made a burger for an old man and I realized that helping the elderly is what I live for. Well, as long as I don’t have to talk to them, look at them or volunteer my personal time in any way. Basically, if I do things I would normally do and incidentally, an old person benefits, that’s what I live for.

I bought a wall-mounted candleholder that I hung next to my bed to set a romantic mood for the ladies. Well, I never even bought a candle and now it just holds pennies. That sums up life pretty well.

My reflection in mirrors isn’t great but my reflection in store windows seems pretty hot. My reflection in brick walls is America’s Next Top Model.

Do you ever wish you were napping in a field next to a beautiful girl but instead you’re waddling towards Red Lobster in the rain and praying they permit an emergency dump?

There have to be cloud bugs, right? They feed on the fluffy air and pee raindrops? And some cloud bugs make lightning? What I’m trying to say is – I don’t understand weather.

I always want to look things up on Wikipedia but by the time I sit down at the computer, check both of my e-mails and re-order my Netflix queue, I’m right back on the couch with a crack pipe and a box of Twinkies.

It’d be messed up if they gave the Pulitzer prize for ice cream to Ben and not Jerry. Although maybe Ben makes all the great flavor recipes and Jerry’s just along for the ride. You know what? Jerry should quit riding Ben’s ice cream coattails and start making his own damn flavors. Hopefully, Jerry’s flavor includes Peanut Butter and Weed.

Why would I want a dog? I don’t want to pick up its poop – I don’t even clean up my own feces! Seriously, what do you think this diaper’s for? No, not the one on my head! That’s my hat.