Baby Monsters Clean Out Ice Cream Trucks

Dear Kevin, A snickers bar and an energy drink is not breakfast. To further illustrate my point, here’s some diarrhea. Sincerely, your body.

Never put off doing something tomorrow that you could do today. That’s why I shaved at 3am this morning. Which is guess was technically tomorrow. Dammit!

I went food shopping today for staples. And by staples I mean staples of my diet. And by that I mean sandwiches. By that I mean…Kellogg’s Staple Sandwiches.

You know how it’s 4am and you’re watching Rambo when suddenly you notice your cake is on fire because you accidentally decorated it with lighter fluid instead of icing and you wonder if you’ll ever get around to dropping off those sweaters at the dry cleaners? What’s that called again? Oh, yeah. Tuesday.

A good indication that you haven’t been showering lately is when you go to do laundry and there are several dirty shirts but only one pair of dirty underwear. Or when the hobo in the mirror disappears. Goodbye, Professor Rathead!

The government killed the analog TV signal and left me with one thing – the Spanish channel. Now, each burrito lunch is now accompanied by programming en espanol – fake boobs and shirtless gardeners. Thanks, government! USA!

There is an empty jar of peanut butter in my cabinet that I really want to recycle but I don’t want to clean it out. There’s something about wet peanut butter that makes me want to barf a substance strikingly similar to wet peanut butter. Conversely, dry peanut butter is the alternative fuel source NASA is overlooking.