Baby liquidation sale – every kid must go!

The following was published in The Leader on March 1st, 2006.

Infertile couples, step right up. Here’s your golden opportunity to own a good as new baby, a slighty used toddler or a mint condition newborn. Peggy Hunt is having a baby liquidation sale and every kid must go!

After 13 years of compiling QVC debt, the repo men are knocking on my busted screen door and they’re ready to take away my Suzanne Somers skin care products as well as cancel my subscription to the BBQ Meat of the Month™ club. So I’m sellling my very own cottage industry product – my children.

Looking for an atheletic 8-year-old on the verge of literacy? Then meet Dumpo.

Dumpo has the strength of a rented mule and the mouth of the one-legged drunken sailor that may be his daddy. Just last week he tipped over the plasma screen TV that I’m trying to make payments on and called me “mamma the slut”. I whupped him with a frozen extension cord but that bucket of nails just laughed in my face! It was so cute.

What? Not ready to handle a little macho man of your own? Perhaps I can interest you in a four-year-old girl with a nickel-sized hole in her heart just waiting to be filled with love. Her name is Reemy and the hole is actually a very serious medical condition that needs tending to.

I was going to pay for the operation myself but there was a sale on limited edition gold-rimmed collector’s plates that immortalize the cast of Winnie the Pooh. Although I love them all, Tigger is my all time favorite cartoon personality. The most wonderful thing about Tigger – is everything!

Huh? You don’t want Reemy? That sort of serious medical condition too much for you? How about a kid with a fun medical condition?

Allow me to introduce you to my two-year-old boy that was born with a thick mat of facial hair. I call him Beardy Steve. You’ll be the talk of the playground with Beardy Steve the bearded baby in your stroller. Don’t try to make sideshow money off him, though. Apparently the bearded lady down at the carnival is deathly afraid of bearded children. Go figure.

Why are you looking at me like that? Are you afraid that a bearded freak-baby will cramp your blue collar lifestyle? Then say hello to a toddler with no physical deformities whatsoever. Come here, Milly. Mildred Joe! Baby girl, stop chasing the kitty with a spork. No! You can’t eat Rambo the cat; you’ll spoil your beef jerky and ranch dressing dinner.

Milly here has a bit of an appetite. One time she bit the Dominos Pizza man’s hand while he was trying to deliver Thanksgiving dinner. I punished her by making sure she only ate half a box of Little Debbie’s Swiss Cake Rolls that night.

What’s wrong now? You can’t afford to feed a little chubster like Milly? I’ve got just the deal. If you act now you can pre-order a mint condition infant by making layaway payments on the 6 pound miracle I’m baking in the maternal money oven right now.

This is a 100% blank slate baby. No name, no emotional ties, and no idea who the baby daddy be. Just promise to pay off the eight-in-one super step ladder covered in space age Tempur-pedic memory foam I keep in the shed.

Really? You’ll take it?You can make your payment in cash, check, or paypal. In fact, you should just send a money order directly to QVC. I don’t want them to take away my food dehydrator, juicer, Ronco rotisserie or my automated DVD organizing shelf that Swiffers itself.

Thank you for shopping – please send in the next couple on your way out.