Area Girl Demands Shoes And Ammo

The moment you realize that your mouth tastes like a whale’s butt and your butt smells like a whale’s mouth is the moment you realize you’re actually an upside down whale.

Videogames have a huge influence on the development of children. I used to wonder what videogames my grandpa played when he was a kid but then I realized that’s dumb. Obviously he played “Super Hit Grandma Bros.”

Inspiration can come at any moment. Like, that fateful Sunday afternoon when Jim Henson cleaned the lint trap of a dryer and decided to make Muppets. Or that year when I ate a double cheeseburger everyday and decided to get fat.

People died of small pox but kids scratch their chicken pox while listening to Tupacs.

Say you’re having sex with a baked ham, right? Well, that’s creepy but not nearly as creepy as having sex with a pig, right? So say you’re having sex with a human being, right? Well, that’s cool but not nearly as cool as having sex with a dead person, right? Someone explain this to the police for me.

I bet if you punched a fat person and gave them a fat lip – you’d never know the difference. But if you punched a fat person in the belly – you’d never play the piano again.

If you say you’re baking a cake with a monkey – most people assume that a monkey pastry chef is helping you in the kitchen. The truth is, it’s a monkey-flavored cake. It’s similar to the time I told my band teacher that I played oboe with a boner. I simply meant that I had a boner while playing the oboe – not that I was somehow hitting oboe notes with my wiener.

I’ve been listening to a lot more techno-pop music recently which at first I thought was a sign of maturity and a departure from teenage angst. Then I remembered my sex change and realized that the estrogen pills are working!