Androgynous Child To Marry Captain StillbornFace

If sluts have pee that burns does that mean that nuns have pee that’s frozen?

It’s sad when you realize how low you’ve set your life expectations. The other night I had an elaborate dream in which I complained about the small nacho portions at a local sports bar. Tomorrow night I’m shooting for a dream about napping.

Have you ever eaten so much that you feel like a pig? It must be the animal inside us. Thanks, Tapeworm!

Like grandma always says, “without the ‘s’ a scumbag ain’t nothin’ but a cumbag.”

I hate being forced to bite my tongue when I think of a brilliant retort. Like, when a co-worker explained his interest in a hip hop artist named, “Black Star,” and I wanted to tell him that was coincidentally the same nickname I use to refer to his mother’s asshole but instead I continued chopping celery.

“Wrong number” phone calls are the worst. Yesterday, a guy called my cellphone claiming I had his phone. I briefly questioned whether it really was his phone, maybe I’ve had this guy’s phone the whole time, perhaps none of us truly own our phones but are just borrowing them from each other – then I remember I wasn’t high and told the guy to go die.

You can’t spell “Earth” without “art”. Also, you can’t spell “Julius Bloop” without “sbloo!”

People always say they tried to learn guitar but didn’t have the patience for it. Just once, I’d like to hear someone say they quit because their puppy was brutally dismembered in a freak guitar accident at a guitar store in Guitarland in which Mayor Guitario summoned the Four Guitarman of the guitarocalypse to shred every note off that puppy’s guitar-hating face until the townspeople of Flying-V City learned that no one fucks with the guitar-fearing citizens whom populate the Guitarolopian Empire. Just once!