Androgynous Child To Marry Captain StillbornFace
It’s sad when you realize how low you’ve set your life expectations. The other night I had an elaborate dream in which I complained about the small nacho portions at a local sports bar. Tomorrow night I’m shooting for a dream about napping.
Have you ever eaten so much that you feel like a pig? It must be the animal inside us. Thanks, Tapeworm!
“Wrong number” phone calls are the worst. Yesterday, a guy called my cellphone claiming I had his phone. I briefly questioned whether it really was his phone, maybe I’ve had this guy’s phone the whole time, perhaps none of us truly own our phones but are just borrowing them from each other – then I remember I wasn’t high and told the guy to go die.
Like grandma always says, “without the ‘s’ a scumbag ain’t nothin’ but a cumbag.”
I hate being forced to bite my tongue when I think of a brilliant retort. Like, when a co-worker explained his interest in a hip hop artist named, “Black Star,” and I wanted to tell him that was coincidentally the same nickname I use to refer to his mother’s asshole but instead I continued chopping celery.
You can’t spell “Earth” without “art”. Also, you can’t spell “Julius Bloop” without “sbloo!”
People always say they tried to learn guitar but didn’t have the patience for it. Just once, I’d like to hear someone say they quit because their puppy was brutally dismembered in a freak guitar accident at a guitar store in Guitarland in which Mayor Guitario summoned the Four Guitarman of the guitarocalypse to shred every note off that puppy’s guitar-hating face until the townspeople of Flying-V City learned that no one fucks with the guitar-fearing citizens whom populate the Guitarolopian Empire. Just once!
If sluts have pee that burns does that mean that nuns have pee that’s frozen?
I tried to learn the guitar once but I quit because the only song my teacher knew was Smashing Pumpkins’ Disarm and I figured that if I couldn’t pick that up, I was just a total spazz. I suspect that guitar teacher didn’t actually know how to play the guitar either…anyway, I’m an air guitar master and I play a mean recorder so that’s something!
hey, did you guys start getting your onion subscription yet???
disarm isn’t a totally easy song to play as a beginner. yeah, the chords are pretty basic but the strum rhythm can be tricky when you first pick up the guitar.
although, ultimately, i was hoping for an elaborate story involving a dead puppy.
I was dismembered in a freak guitar accident!Twice! But I didn’t quit. When life gives you lemons, kick that horse in the teeth and get right back on!
No Onions here but I would be very excited if we received one. Also, no dead puppies, sorry to say, but I will keep you updated on that. And, I am reading the book Jay lent me, A Confederacy of Dunces, and it is hilarious! I love how he calls everything an abortion! Jay told me it was your favorite book and I can see why – it is awesome. Although we have not yet received one, thanks so much for the Onion, that is an awesome gift and I look forward to it!
when a horse kicked me in the teeth, i made lemonade. the pee kind.
a confederacy of dunces is absolutely my favorite book. when you’ve finished it, you should read my analysis of it!
and the onion people said it takes 4-6 weeks to deliver the first issue so hopefully you should be getting it this week or the next.
i love comments.
Crazy funny as usual, sir.
Though, I have to admit, it feels like it’s missing something. Kinda like you haven’t capped it off, turned off the faucet, turned down the A/C, shot the messenger, etc.
you’re right! i forgot the joke about tennis ball-flavored milkshakes and their affect on globalization. dammit!
That’s better!
FIRST!!!!
j – tell the class of your ‘a confederacy of dunces’ experience.
well it was the first book i read in about two years that made me think that i was with good friends.
thats what i like about reading though. a good book is like that. it moves you because you become a part of it. you aren’t passive but active.
i also can’t help but think that i share way too many similarities with the lead character for good or bad. alot of times ill be in a conversation with people, say something and then internally question myself, “isn’t that something that ignatius would say?”
its kind of scary.
and then i tell myself – who cares? ignatius is the man.
one thing i like about him is that every “crisis” is some form of life-threatening experience. say for instance when his mother wants to go out with friends and he gets all offended and starts to smother himself. stuff like that crack me up about that book.
don’t even get me started on jones.
or the old lady he worked with in the jeans factory.
but allow me to kiss your ass even more, thanks for the recommendation.
the report is in the mail.
wall of text anyone?
my bad.
no, worries. i loved what you wrote and i feel the same way about the book. it is a very good friend.
i often find myself on the babbling brook of broken dreams
is that anything like the creek of consciousness?
Sort’ve – only the creek of consciousness is where broken dreams turn into zombies.
And eat babies.
And then they turn into zombies.
The creek of consciousness is zombie babies.