Amazing Pigcat Show Debuts At Local Trailer Park

Monkey-dolphins are man’s best friend – whether they’re swimming in your bathtub, swinging from your chandelier or simply enjoying a sea banana. I’ve often dreamt of having another pet monkey-dolphin but it just wouldn’t be the same. Rest in peace, Mr. Flipper Bubbles.

I check the zipper on my fly so much that it looks like I’m constantly poking my crotch. People give me funny looks when I do it and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I accompany the poke by yelling, “Observe my genitalia, commoners!”

I saw a bumper sticker that states, “Only when the last tree has died and the final river is dry will man learn he cannot eat money.” Which really offends me. Especially since I was eating a money sandwich at the time.

You know how sometimes your internet stops working? Because your Ethernet cable is unplugged? Because it’s in your butt? Because you tried to get the Internet in your body? Because you’re drunk and lonely?

Lunchables has a new line of products called “Maxed Out” that features “Ultimate Nachos” and is sponsored by Xbox 360. The only way lunchtime can get any more extreme for kids is to serve razorblade burgers and fire cookies. Are you listening, Kraft? Please lift your restraining order – I have new ideas!

The Lunchables deep-dish pizza actually features pepperoni flavored sausage, which boggles my mind. Sausage is already a flavor and so is pepperoni. That’s like making a peanut butter and jelly-flavored ham sandwich. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must take a shower-simulated bath and listen to perfume-scented music.