Aliens Traverse Space and Time to Abduct Metallica Prior to Haircuts

There’s never enough time in the day and that’s why cloning is necessary. My clone will eat peanut butter cookies by the sleeve and have a harem of smokin’ hot girlfriends – one to represent each race. But I better have some kind of psychic connection with my clone to vicariously experience his life or else what’s the point?

Actually, forget it – I can’t allow this to turn into Double Impact, the movie with two Van Dammes. No one needed two muscles from Brussels…especially one with slicked-back hair.

Today I was wondering why you never see any pictures of black cowboys. Then I remembered that whole slavery thing and I felt bad.

Have you ever accidentally put the wrong thing in the refrigerator? Like a box of cereal or a pillowcase of viscera?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won US Weekly’s best couple award narrowly defeating Todd and Katie Penderson of Clymer, New York. I really thought Todd’s surprise party for Katie at Mitchell’s Bowl and Booze would get them over the hump but that final foreign baby Angelina adopted must have sealed the deal in the eyes of US Weekly. Better luck next year, Pendersons.

I want a retarded drinking buddy. Not a dumb guy who acts like an idiot when he’s drunk but an actual retarded dude that loves the sauce. Ultimate wingman.

I hate it when my computer goes into sleep mode during the day. It shouldn’t be napping while I’m out trying to open a bank account. Although, I guess I’d be jealous if I discovered it was computing things without me. Let’s never fight again, Captain Binary.

Chile is home to an animal called the alpaca, which is basically a Mexican goat. Belize is home to the Keel-Billed Toucan, which is pretty much a Mexican bird. Mexico is the ancestral home of recording artist Fergie who is basically an American tranny.

Does anyone else’s toenails grow progressively slower by toe size? My big toe always has a giant nail on it but by the time I get to the pinky I’m clipping off nubbily skin. Nubbily is not an adverb.