Alien From Galaxy 420, "Take Me To Your Nachos"

Olden times were stupid. Pegs legs and Morse code. Also, did antique hobos use wheelbarrows instead of shopping carts? The answer is…indubitably.

I want to open a bar and call it “The Internet.” Mankind’s prayers will be answered and people can finally go to the The Internet to get drunk. Ironically, it will not have WiFi or even a computer cash register. Instead, I’ll use one of those old cash registers with the metal cranks and if people complain I’ll yell, “get the hell out of here – you’re banned from The Internet!”

When it comes to doing laundry, my philosophy is, “if it gets wet and then dry, it’s clean.” So that’s why, instead of going to the laundry mat, I just pee my pants and then set them on fire. Clean as a whistle, Mom!

Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or do you just have a baby boner?

If I lived during the cowboy days, I would’ve been that boozebag wasted on the sawdust-covered floor at the back of the bar. People would always say, “Howdy partner, you’re Wild Julius McBloop, ain’t ya?” and I’d say “Graggle gee goo!” And barf on their cowboy boots. They’d hate me at first, but I’d win their stupid cowboy hearts with my hilarious horse jokes.

The plastic clips that secure bread packaging have the ability to reproduce. There’s no other explanation as to why I see them scattered around the kitchen at an impossibly growing rate. One time, I found a bread clip in the bathroom, which either means that they reproduce by mating with pubic hair or I blacked out and ate a toilet sandwich.

If trees had teats they’d be called treats.

Recently, I was walking through a rough neighborhood late at night and some guy tried to sell me drugs. He said “Man, you need somethin’?” I replied, “Nah, I’m good.” To which he countered, “Man, I got this kryptonite!” I smiled and walked away. In hindsight, I should’ve bought some of that crazy shit and killed Superman once and for all.