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Uninformed Reviews - Movies: July 2008

Filed Under Uninformed Reviews


Jack Black as Dingle Donk prepares to save medieval times!!!

Summer blockbusters are upon us and I’m happier than a gay flower in a cotton candy bowl of rainbows.

The Dark Knight

Dingle Donk (Jack Black) is a mild mannered mailman from modern day Minnesota until he’s accidentally sent back to medieval times as a court jester! My favorite line is when Dingle Donk spills a goblet of wine on the Dark Knight and says, “It looks good on your chainmail…really brings out the color of your helmet!” Also, the five minute fart scene is classic.
Thumb Score = A

Wall-E

Steve Guttenberg somehow managed to produce this direct-to-video third installment in the Short Circuit series and I wish he hadn’t. Johnny 5 looks like crap in CG and why is it a musical? Editor’s Note: Bette Midler’s knockers still look good.
Thumb Score = B-

Hancock

Oliver Stone takes a pointed look at the man behind the notoriously large signature. John Goodman’s portrayal of John Hancock is the most powerful John performance since John Hurt played John Graham in Rob Roy.
Thumb Score = John

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

It took twelve years, four hundred million dollars and a dozen lives but Mel Gibson finally finished his opus. The gold is real, the army is Jesus and Tim Curry is Hell.
Thumb Score = A+

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Part Willy Wonka, part Indiana Jones, all Debbie Does Dallas. A routine archaeological dig for ancient chocolate turns into an orgy of Caligula proportions. Who greenlit this? Might as well make a film combining Battlefield Earth, Deepthroat and Blue’s Clues. Actually…
Thumb Score = F

Mamma Mia

That’s a spicy meatball! Seriously, it’s a documentary on shaping spiced ground beef into balls and Morgan Spurlock somehow manages to make it really exciting. 325º of awesome!
Thumb Score = B+

***Classic Uninformed Review***

The Godfather

Spike Lee captured the hearts and minds of millions when he released this racially-charged, seminal film in 1978. Clint Eastwood’s blackface character caused quite a stir and he has since completely distanced himself from the role, going so far as to digitally replace himself with Marlon Brando in a recently released “special edition.”
Thumb Score = A++

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Comments

13 Responses to “Uninformed Reviews - Movies: July 2008”

  1. j on July 21st, 2008 8:09 am

    don’t fool anyone here bud.

    you hate the godfather and you know it.

  2. julius on July 21st, 2008 5:19 pm

    no way - my favorite part is when clint eastwood looks at sidney poitier and says “you dirty rat, you killed my godfather, you dirty raaaat!”

  3. j on July 21st, 2008 6:16 pm

    that’s a good part.

  4. bvllets on July 22nd, 2008 1:50 am

    I have an objection here. Mama Meatballs is a great movie. I love how Sean Connery stopped being a secret agent long enough to make the movie with hardcore penetration. It’s about time.

    And I can’t even believe they let a card game get a role in Batman. Black Jack is a sweet game, but come on. This movie is supposed to have integrity. It’s based on a comic book for christ sakes.

  5. bvllets on July 22nd, 2008 1:53 am

    And where the fuck is Choda Boy in the Godfather. They totally forgot about him.

  6. bvllets on July 22nd, 2008 1:56 am

    Yo where’s your server in god damn Britain? It’s 9:53 here not 1:53. I had like 27 double triple square root strength percocets so if it’s wrong ignore me.

  7. SinisterDan on July 22nd, 2008 11:38 am

    Having just seen Dark Knight, I’m amazed that you didn’t mention all the yodeling.

    Otherwise, spot on.

  8. julius on July 22nd, 2008 4:45 pm

    bvllets…

    #1 - I agree with you completely on Mamma Meats and The Dark Night - Sean Connery’s Australian accent really shines in Meat and the World Series of Black Jack has no place in comics.

    #2 - Umm…apparently you don’t own the EXTENDED special edition that includes the scene where Choda boy slams dunks on Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

    #3 - time?!

    SinisterDan, I can’t believe I forget to mention that thirteen minute yodeling/spelunking scene. I just hope readers see these comments and prepare themselves for Tom Cruise’s singing.

  9. bvllets on July 22nd, 2008 6:57 pm

    Yeah, the time that my comment was posted was off by 4 hours.

  10. julius on July 22nd, 2008 6:59 pm

    well, the time that your comment is posted for me is off by 7 hours - so i win (or lose, i’m not sure)!

    honestly, i don’t know why that is. i will investigate.

    thanks.

  11. trixie turd world on July 23rd, 2008 1:00 pm

    Your scoring system is nonsensical. If it were a thumb score it would be, say, TWO THUMBS UP!/One Up & One down. What you have is just a rating system, grading system, etc. I understand that it’s an asinine detail that could have been done intentionally, but I’m OCD and that sort of thing makes me a little crazy(er). Solid site, though, man. Mean it!

  12. julius on July 23rd, 2008 5:07 pm

    The “thumb score” rating system is intentionally silly. Uninformed Reviews aims to be as outlandishly wrong and idiotic as possible while still retaining some semblance of cognition.

    But, yeah, thanks for the kind words, trixie turd world.

  13. Gerald Gunderson on July 23rd, 2008 5:08 pm

    i could beat trixie turd in a duel

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