Jul

24

Diary of a World of Warcraft Player - It’s Time To Play The Feud

Filed Under Diary Of World Of Warcraft


Gerald Gundersun secretly poses for a radical self-portrait in his basement bathroom.

Well, the Family Feud continues.

In my time as a General of the Alliance’s God-willed forces - going on 2 years now, mind you - I’ve learned that the past never ceases to haunt even the most capable commanders.

Such is the case with General Gunderson, whose leadership lineage hearkens back to the American Revolution. JuliusBloop writer Lionel Herkimer knows a little something about the Gunderson clan.

Before I led raids for the Shattered Sun Offensive - even before a ragtag group of courageous Gnomes liberated The Scholomance from the clutches of The Scourge - and before I became a warrior in the service of Jesus Christ IRL, that legendary Gunderson blood fueled my destiny.

In the discussion of Lionel’s Diaries of a Desk Clerk, we learned a little bit about his surname Herkimer. Herkimer is famous for two things: diamonds [quartz, not Azerothian LOL] and my ancestor, Jaribald Strunk Gunderson.

I’m a lot like Grandpa Jaribald. Under General Nicholas Herkimer, my Grandpa was a surgeon in the Tryon County Militia, and after a few thousand hours of playtime, my First Aid skill is 375.

Hell, if Grandpa Jaribald could’ve made Heavy Netherweave Bandages, our Patriots would’ve kicked British ass by like 1779 and then we wouldn’t have had to put up with the Beatles or Oasis LOLLL.

Srsly, Nickelback r00lz.

Ok, so what’s all this have to do with stupid Lionel Herkimer? His ancestor, General Herkimer, took a bullet in the leg at the Battle of Oriskany [at least it wasn’t a Shadowbolt LOL]. There’s even a famous painting of Herkimer commanding his forces under the duress of injury:

General Herkimer yells at Dr. Gunderson to fix his fucking leg.

And here, friends and supporters of the Alliance, is where my historical blood libel with Lionel’s stupid Herkimers begins. General Herkimer wasn’t pointing at the militia, he was pointing at Dr. Grandpa Gunderson and yelling, “GET THAT PEON GUNDERSON - MY LEG IS FUCKED” lol

Grandpa Jaribald’s first aid skill sure as Herk [LOL] didn’t come from Theramore’s Triage Quest. He was probably like 125 or something [the Revolution was before the Burning Crusades expansion pack], and you can only wrap wool and cure simple spider poisons at that level. But Herkimer was bitten by a bullet, not a Bane Spider. Grandpa Jaribald didn’t know what to do and General Herkimer died.

That’s how it all started. The Herkimers blamed the Gundersons for Nick’s untimely demise and there’s been tension ever since. Us “Gundoz” have tried to combat it, but the “Herkz” are just hardier than we are. Just compare Lionel’s beard to my nubile, delicate face. You just can’t wrestle with shit like that because you’ll get chaffed.

So now, Lionel, we’re going to settle this in the Nagrand Arena. Download and install the trial, n00b. A Mohawk bullet started it, and my warlock’s Seed of Corruption is going to finish it.

The harassment from the Herkimers was why GundoMomz had to move me in the womb from New York to Gary, Indiana [she told me it was cuz my real dad was a sex offender but I don’t buy that shit at all LOL]. Well, guess what, Lionel?

I’m tired of this shit! Meet me on Malfurion at the Gates of Ironforge and be prepared for a fight to the death. HIGH NOON. [I’m in Gary, Indiana so that’s high noon Central not Eastern LOL].

The tables have turned, the balance of power has shifted. The Gundersons have God on their side now [and I just put a Runed Living Ruby in my Season 3 Helm so you’re gonne get PWNED fgt].

I’ve already notified The Alliance of this most-necessary sabbatical to restore my family honor:

FlyinHaiAgin: hey fagz i need 2 promote sum1 2 lead so i can kick this douchebagz ass LOL
Spurmwayle: me
FartOnU: me
LeetPwnage: fuck u gtfo

The three G’s - God, Gunderson and Gnomes - will end this dispute once and for all. Buff up with Power Word: Fortitude and the Blessing of Kings, Lionel Herkimer. You’re about to get sent to the Spirit Healer.

Gunderson OUT.

Gerald Gunderson is JuliusBloop.com’s Gaming Correspondent. He writes out of Gary, Indiana.

Follow his journey
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - Moms Are For Real Life Only
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - Respect your General
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - These Kids Have No Game

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Comments

6 Responses to “Diary of a World of Warcraft Player - It’s Time To Play The Feud”

  1. Lionel Herkimer on July 24th, 2008 12:18 pm

    “Mr.” Gunderson,

    I am well aware of “Dr. Grandpa Gunderson” and his offenses at the Battle of Oriskany. Don’t you think that my father, Lloyd Y. Herkimer informed me of the aggregious actions of your Dr. Gunderson? It’s high time that the public know the type of cowardess that the Gunderson clan brings forth.

    I would’ve looked up all of your ridiculous references to what, I’m assuming, you do with your life. I was, however, FAR too busy training my faithful Mindaugus the fine art of Feng Shui for his noble ferret-house.

    None of this would’ve happened, had the courageous General E. Herkimer lived to see another day.

    The ball is in your court, young Gunderson.

  2. Gerald Gunderson on July 24th, 2008 2:07 pm

    guess what Herk

    i’m glad it worked out how it did cuz now I get a chance to fukkin pwn ur stupid ass in the only world that matters

    AZEROTH

    my imp nalyal would destroy ur scrub ferret

    Mindaugus can’t compete with a demon who knows Phase Shift LOL

    im startting 2 pity u, n00blet

  3. julius on July 24th, 2008 3:57 pm

    GG, I don’t think it’s really fair to settle generations of dispute in WoW considering you’re really good at the game and Herk doesn’t even play it.

    That’s like Charles Barkely settling an argument by gambling. I mean, playing basketball.

  4. Gerald Gunderson on July 24th, 2008 5:30 pm

    Julius,

    It’s perfectly appropriate to settle this in the World of Warcraft. If Lionel is a 14-28yr old male and doesn’t play he’s a fgt anyway LOL

    he seems smart enough [way smarter than the other stupid Herkz] to play the game well and he already has experience with controlling a minion [Mindaugus] so he’ll catch on quickly

    i’d give him time to prepare and gain experience but u know what? ive had 16 years of family pain and i dont want to writhe in shame and misery for another day

    this indignity needs to end NOW

  5. Gerald Gunderson on July 24th, 2008 5:31 pm

    who is charles barkely lol

  6. Julius Bloop - Comedy for Weirdos on July 27th, 2008 11:35 pm

    […] my dismay, fellow editorial writer Gerald Gunderson has made numerous attacks on me, my faithful ferret and General E. Herkimer, who lost his life while fighting side by side with one […]

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