Jul

22

Desk Clerk Diaries - New Hot Plate And Old Complaints

Filed Under Desk Clerk Diaries


Lionel Herkimer hates you and your petty problems.

Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot.

Thing is, it just gets so hectic around here at the Sears Customer Service desk, I rarely have a free minute to collect my thoughts.

Whenever there’s an opportunity for a little Lionel-time, some troglodyte comes to me with the most asinine set of complaints. Do they have any idea how miniscule their grievances sound when compared to the political strife of the Turkish ultra-nationalists?

I can only listen to these clods for so long before tuning them out and planning my blog response to Mustafa Akyol’s latest opinion piece about the shadowy Ergenekon group!

But I digress…

I live in a very modest apartment with my pet ferret, Mindaugus - named, of course, after the former King of Lithuania who united the lands in 1236.

The best thing about my apartment has got to be my new Hot Plate. It was left outside by an old (re: dead) neighbor of mine and doesn’t get hot enough to cook my hamburger helper in time for Murder She Wrote…but patience, as they say, is a virtue.

My landlord, Mr. Arpejito, says that if I turned off my “goddamn computer” every once in a “coon’s age,” my Hot Plate wouldn’t take “three trips around the dang moon” to heat up. I keep telling him I need to have my computer on to continue my extensive research into the City of Boerne v. Flores Supreme Court ruling of 1997.

Goddammit…Here comes another 45 year old lady wearing a Mickey Mouse sweater…

Until next week, my faithful readers.

Lionel Herkimer is JuliusBloop.com’s Life Correspondent. He writes out of Doolittle, Missouri.

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Comments

18 Responses to “Desk Clerk Diaries - New Hot Plate And Old Complaints”

  1. april on July 22nd, 2008 1:00 pm

    hysterical post

  2. ud on July 22nd, 2008 1:05 pm

    I wouldn’t worry about ever unplugging the hot plate, that way, it’d never get cold! electricity is up, but hell, you’ve got a hottie hot plate!

  3. Gerald Gunderson on July 22nd, 2008 3:04 pm

    Lional with an A is a stupid name LOL

  4. julius on July 22nd, 2008 3:10 pm

    that’s a typo, GG. thanks a lot for making me feel bad.

  5. Gerald Gunderson on July 22nd, 2008 3:12 pm

    Ok well guess wut?

    “Herkimer” is stupid too and that’s not a typo is it?

    It reminds me of my Uncle making me watch Congo on HBO like 400 million times the summer he babysat me cuz that foreign guy’s name was Herkimer Himalka LOLLL

  6. bvllets on July 22nd, 2008 7:38 pm

    Try the new charcoal hotplate out. Make sure you get the lighter fluid too. Great new addition to any suicidal studio apartment owner.

    Haven’t been to Herkimer for diamonds since ‘94. I trust you own it.

  7. Gerald Gunderson on July 22nd, 2008 8:28 pm

    Well I don’t go to the Herkimer Diamond Mines that’s where the chumps go. They wear khakis and boat shoes and dig with garden tools and shit. That’s not how Gunderson rolls LOL

    I take diamond mining as seriously as I take the Alterac Valley. That’s why I go to the Ace Diamond Mines:

    http://www.herkimerdiamonds.com/

    That’s where the real ballaz ball and the real diggaz DIG

  8. julius on July 22nd, 2008 11:46 pm

    I never knew you were so into mining, GG.

    You’re like an onion. So many layers and tears.

  9. Lionel Herkimer on July 23rd, 2008 4:49 am

    I would like to “thank” you all for your suggestions on my culinary needs. By “thank”, I of course mean “no thanks”. I already told Mr. Arpejito what for, and I don’t feel like telling some yahoo named Gunderson the origin of my name, my favorite color, or whether or not I think that the electoral college is still viable in todays ever-changing political spectrum.

  10. Gerald Gunderson on July 23rd, 2008 5:03 pm

    I alreayd know the origin of ur stupid name I know everything about Herkimer my ancesster Jeribald Strunk Gunderson was the medic who couldnt save the General Herkimer’s f’d up leg LOL

  11. Gerald Gunderson on July 23rd, 2008 5:05 pm

    Julius,

    “I never knew you were so into mining, GG.”

    ya I mine lots of quarts IRL and i used to mine fel iron on the Hellfire Peninsula

    “You’re like an onion. So many layers and tears.”

    Ok thanks but u shouldnt tear the layers of an onion u should cut them cleanly with a chef’s knife

  12. Gerald Gunderson on July 23rd, 2008 5:33 pm

    hi beki

  13. julius on July 23rd, 2008 5:34 pm

    GG, take your medication and go play WoW.

  14. Gerald Gunderson on July 23rd, 2008 5:40 pm

    i cant blizzard banned me for 3 hrs for calling some kid a douchebag

  15. Lionel Herkimer on July 23rd, 2008 6:48 pm

    Gerald, perhaps you should focus more on your own life, and forget about the WoW. Douchebag…

  16. Gerald Gunderson on July 23rd, 2008 7:05 pm

    Lionel,

    I’m dealing with you as I type this.

    Guess what playa? It’s on.

  17. Lionel Herkimer on July 24th, 2008 4:51 am

    Mr. Gunderson,

    It’s come to my attention that you fancy yourself as somewhat of a “rabble-rouser”. Little do YOU know, I’m very adept at dealing with ingrates.

    “Sir”, it is “on” indeed.

  18. Gerald Gunderson on July 24th, 2008 2:04 pm

    Let’s get one thing straight n00b it’s GENERAL Gunderson not MISTER i’m not the peon that Jaribald was

    excuse me i’d love to continue this comment but i need to go prepare some PAIN for you brb

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