• Pages

  • Home
  • About/Contact
  • Julius Bloop Store

• Categories

  • Creek of Consciousness
  • Desk Clerk Diaries
  • Diary Of World Of Warcraft
  • Editorials
  • Floating Together
  • Jolene Bloop
  • Maybe This Only Amuses Me
  • Perpetual Thought Machine
  • Short Films
  • Uninformed Reviews
  • Updates



• Search

• Blogroll

  • An Outsider
  • Angry Seafood
  • Chad Stewart: Failed Humorist
  • Dead Rooster
  • Fast Hugs
  • Grump Factory
  • Krapsody
  • Offbeat News and Videos
  • Predator Press
  • This Blog Is Eggsalady
  • Turkey Necks

• Admin

• Networks

  

Julius Bloop in your inbox
enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

MTVh1 had Donald Trump III on Space Cribs last night and his residence pod was beyond typical extravagance. Sure, he had oil lamps and a hangar filled with luxury air cars but I almost feinted when they revealed his banana tree. I didn’t think anyone outside of the Royal Intergalactic family could afford a flarking banana tree!

Kids say the darndest things. Like one time my nephew said, “Can I have an orange soda?” I was like, “Haha, what other kind is there?”

I’m not one to be judgmental, especially since the government increased the voltage on my prejudice-collar, but I can’t stand these Earth-born, Flargon wannabes with their Flargon clothes and fake tentacles. Shave those armpit braids, Fliggers!

Who still watches TV shows with real people in them? They look so fake compared to ultra CGI.

If I were a space pirate, I’d hide all of my booty in an underground bunker on Planet Zorp. The other space pirates would all be like, “Hey, Rogue Bloop, where’re your nitrogen dodecahedrons?” and I’d be like, “Definitely not in a bunker on Planet Zorp, haha…” They’d all join in the laughter and go back to drinking Flargon blood out of gorilla-bird skulls - but I’ll sip my star juice quietly knowing that the jokes on them.

My work associates from the community factory are always making me pick up the check after lunch. What am I? Made of bananas?

Have you seen the documentary about the terrible working conditions in Sector B5? Their furniture is so dusty; you’d swear they’ve never owned a pair of Swiffer Pants.

The Science Masters want us to stop using our electron-inhibiting ozone-protectors because of global cooling. I say, damn the sun, bring on the glaciers and crank up the M.H.T.’s (Magma Heat Tubes)!

Who are you going to vote for in the 2110 Presidential Cage Match? At first I thought maybe Chelsea Clinton would win but then I remembered Jeb Bush Jr.’s finishing move – The Sunshine State Vote-Dump.

Jolene declares her love for Barack Obama but quickly realizes that their relationship may be forbidden because he’s a big bad….

It’s weird how guarded we speak when not amongst friends. Recently, I overheard a couple discussing how traffic was the worst thing in the world and I really wanted to say, “Yeah, traffic’s bad but I’m pretty sure getting butt-raped by your Uncle Clown Face is worse.” Instead I said, “Yeah, traffic sucks!”

Why do co-workers insist on wanting to hang out after work? We just hung out for eight hours! What’re you? My wife? If I wanted a wife - I’d pretend to like stuff.

I see girls all the time that I’d love to date but I figure they’re better off with a guy that embraces the crushing defeat of reality and likes rock-climbing or something equally stupid.

Sweet tattoo, bro! What is that? A pumpkin?

A buddy recently likened drinking a beer after work to getting ice cream after a little league game. I think Alcoholics Anonymous should put this at the top of their list for signs of alcoholism.

I wanna start doing kegel exercises - not so that I last longer in bed - so that my penis can headbang.

Having a one-night stand was something I had a really hard time with. Well, technically a really soft time.

There’s no way that Hitler’s bones are missing. Somebody knows exactly where they are and they’re just hiding them so no one digs them up to shoot them again. Or so nobody eats them and turns into some kind of radioactive zombie Hitler with the strength of one thousand blitzkriegs and a million tiny mustaches.

I want to write a pro-Nazi book called “A Million Tiny Mustaches”.

Draino doesn’t unclog drains. The only thing that goes smoothly down the pipes after purchasing Draino is five bucks.

How hard is it to reply to an email? I get so frustrated when people don’t respond that I swear I’d be satisfied if they just wrote back, “Thx 4 da emale, yer a fagit lol”. At least that’d be something.

Now that it’s May and I’m starting to get sunburned there’s only one place to go…

Aunt Rhubarb’s house! Oh, and the movie theater because Aunt Rhubarb kicks me out when her “friend” Gary comes over.

Speed Racer

It ain’t fast. It ain’t racy. It ain’t a blast like Kevin Spacey. Actually, he’s not in this movie, I just wanted that to rhyme. This movie gave me a frikkin’ seizure. The bad kind.
Thumb Score = B

What Happens In Vegas

The spiritual successor to the 1987 classic, Innerspace, this film takes a serious look at traveling through the organs of a man named Vegas in a tiny spaceship. Look out for those anti-bodies, Jake Gyllenhaal!
Thumb Score = C

Baby Mama

What would happen if a baby had a baby? The Wayans Brothers are just scandalous enough to find out! My favorite scene is when the baby mama is changing the baby’s diaper and then goes, “Now who gunna change MY diapee?” hahaha!
Thumb Score = A

Iron Man

Da da dada da. Dada dada da da dada da. Ozzy can’t act.
Thumb Score = D-

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Harry Potter is back and this time he’s battling the wicked Prince of the Caspian Sea. Dumbledore is brought back from the dead only to be killed again – this time by the evil sorceror AIDs.
Thumb Score = A-

Made of Honor

1 cup Cuba Gooding Jr, ½ tbsp of Robert De Niro, 4 gallons of Sean Connery and a dash of Andy Garcia and you’ve got yourself a movie made of honor. Too bad it tastes like crap.
Thumb Score = F

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Chinatown

Only Stanley Kubrick could have pulled off adapting a Chinese takeout menu into a landmark film. It’s a film is so delicious that you’re only full for half an hour before you’re hungry to more…film!

Y’all So Stupid is a bizarre animation series by Devin Flynn that plays like a hallucinogenic-fueled descent into madness. I’ve been waiting a couple of months to post one of these but haven’t found the right one until now…I hope. I’m still not sure if anyone will like this.

While Jolene is off at community college, Janice sneaks onto the computer to share an encounter she had at the laundromat and maybe a little more…

Kevin recently asked me to take over the craigslist personal ad feature and I greatly obliged. But before we begin, allow me to introduce myself.

The name is Jason Winder and I’m obsessed with the internet. I spend nearly ten hours a day on the net with only work and sleep to keep me from rounding out the other fourteen. My basis for reality is somewhat slipping as of late as a result of spending life online.

I compare it to the old HBO program, “Dream On” starring Brian Benben as a man who grew up watching so much television that, in adulthood, his concepts of relationships and human understanding were based solely on TV clips.

This is how I am right now with the Internet. As a consequence, I have learned to read people quite well and, hell, these weirdos are much more disturbed than I am and I like that.

When I showed Kevin some of my saved profiles, he vomited violently and after an awkward two days of silence, he called and begged me to take over craigslist duties. While holding my phone sandwiched between my ear and shoulder, penis in my right hand and camera in my left, I told him I would be delighted.

I sent him a picture of the scene to mark the occasion. He uses it as his desktop background.

So, in keeping within the boundaries of my own depravity, I will now take the chance to share some profiles. Where most others would scoff at these individuals, I extend my hand to them in respect.

Let’s begin with a man I’ve dubbed, “Tranny Bob”.

After all my searching, I have decided to bestow upon “Tranny Bob” the prestigious title of craigslist.org weirdo of the week. While I’m sure there are plenty of similar weirdos posting their sick selves online, the creepy look in his eyes just does it for me.

Tranny Bob actually posted two profiles this week but for the sake of keeping things a little less vulgar on this website, I am just featuring this one. His other profile includes two additional pictures which give his suitors a preview of what his cock and balls look like adorned in panties (hint: they don’t fit). I was eating at the time and had to stop.

Quick lesson: don’t eat while looking at craigslist personal ads.

Without really tearing this guy apart, as much as I would like to, I really want his simple sentence and “more-than-a-thousand-words” pictures to speak for themselves.

In his defense, he does look like a red-headed human version of Miss Piggy. And many people, like myself, found her to be a very sexy Muppet. So if you apply that logic to Tranny Bob then by all means, he is a hot Muppet.

Just look at those boobs and nice long legs. The caked-on makeup is kind of frightening but whatever makes him happy, makes me happy. Just as long as he doesn’t molest me on the playground.

I will not, at this point, further discuss his clothing PREFERENCE but rather his other hobby: camping while in drag. If you ask me, the two go hand in hand.

How awesome would it be if you came across this guy and his buddy frolicking in the woods while wearing women’s clothing? Not awesome at all, actually. It would be terrifying.

Picture this: A newly-married, god-fearing couple and their two young boys, both under the age of ten, go on their annual camping trip. Harmless fun, right? It is, until, while walking in the woods they come across these two, making out in high heels and holding onto each other’s fishing rods.

It would not be a pleasant scene. The dad could convince the youngest one that it was Bigfoot and the idiot would be believe him. The older one, on the other hand, would understand what’s going on and thereby lose faith in humanity, God and himself. Cut to ten years later and now he has a cross-dressing/camping fetish.

See, Tranny Bob thinks what he is doing is harmless - dressing up in drag, going camping with a buddy, doing the whole brokeback thing but he is really hurting America. People don’t need to see this. It ruined a family I just made up!

If Tranny Bob wants to go camping while in drag, he can set up a tent in his living-room, spark up the old fireplace, play some John Denver and finger-bang his fellow craigslist drag buddy.

I mean if I have to do it, then why shouldn’t he?

Just a thought.

It’s hot.

Updates have slowed down because I’m actually working a job now that requires me to hover, dead-eyed, over a fryer in a hot kitchen, waiting for some fat guy’s chicken wings to finish cooking so that I can collect the meager paycheck that allows me to live another day in my hot dog-stinking apartment.

There is a short documentary being made about Julius Bloop that will be awkward and embarrassing considering I’ve accomplished nothing outside of creating a Wordpress blog on my friend’s server but it gave me the opportunity to walk into a tree about a dozen times so it may be worth it.

I’ve been trying to recruit some funny people to help contribute to the site but it’s difficult because everyone is busy eating food and making money to buy food and thinking about what kind of food they’re going to eat next.

It’s been a strange experience trying to promote this website. I’ve handed out about a hundred business cards asking people to send me an e-mail and guess how many responses I’ve received? A thousand!

I often confuse a thousand with zero.

I honestly think if someone asked me to visit their stupid rubber spoon website I’d at least take the nine seconds to respond, “Hey, nice spoons!” Even if I really hate rubber spoon websites.

So I’m pretty disappointed by the lack of traffic but I will continue writing comedy because I honestly don’t know what else to do. I guess I could impregnate some fat, ugly, goat but I’m afraid it will eat my hat.

I don’t know what that means.