• Pages

  • Home
  • About/Contact
  • Julius Bloop Store

• Categories

  • Creek of Consciousness
  • Desk Clerk Diaries
  • Diary Of World Of Warcraft
  • Editorials
  • Floating Together
  • Jolene Bloop
  • Maybe This Only Amuses Me
  • Perpetual Thought Machine
  • Short Films
  • Uninformed Reviews
  • Updates



• Search

• Blogroll

  • An Outsider
  • Angry Seafood
  • Chad Stewart: Failed Humorist
  • Dead Rooster
  • Fast Hugs
  • Grump Factory
  • Krapsody
  • Offbeat News and Videos
  • Predator Press
  • This Blog Is Eggsalady
  • Turkey Necks

• Admin

• Networks

  

Julius Bloop in your inbox
enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

April flowers bring May showers and this year’s crop smells great.

Typically a dry time for the silver screen, 2008 is shaping up to be the best April since ‘94.

I can literally smell the popcorn burning. Oh, crap, my microwave is on fire!

Forbidden Kingdom

Ghosts, goblins and the female orgasm reign supreme in the lost Kingdom of Forbiddia. Bruce Lee’s still got it, ladies!
Thumb Score = B+

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

An updated version of 80’s comedy farce Weekend At Bernie’s, this movie will make you laugh the pants off your butt. Terry Kiser, Bernie himself, makes a cameo in the sexy, yet PG-13, pool scene. Hilarious!
Thumb Score = A-

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Probably the most gripping documentary of the year, we’ll see what President Bush has to say about this latest offering from that thin, lovable scamp - Michael Moore. The look on Dick Cheney’s face after he accidentally shoots his friend with an arrow is worth the price of admission.
Thumb Score = B+

Street Kings

Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney are back together in this sequel to the 1999 blockbuster Three Kings. The boys are scouring the world looking for more gold and this time they might just find some…under the streets. The scene where Ice Cube raps about gold while Clooney shows off his gold teeth will go down in the annals of cinema as the goldest scene of all time.
Thumb Score = A-

21

The Olsen Twins can finally buy liquor and how do they spend their 21st birthday? By swapping identities and trying to hook up their divorced parents? I hated it.
Thumb Score = D-

Run, Fat Boy, Run

The classic Dr. Seuss book comes to life with superstars Dan Hedaya and Harvey Fierstein lending their voices. Sun, Bat Toy, Sun…Run, Fat Boy, Run. It’s Suessitacularistic!
Thumb Score = A

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Citizen Kane

The Bond film that started them all…Orson Wells as James Bond, Adam West as Q and Dolly Parton as Titty Chesterfield and who can forget The Beatles’ songs?
Thumb Score = AA++

Remember reading Julius Caesar in sophomore English? I do, because it was last month. Shakespeare wrote “cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war,” which sounds pretty rad. But guess what?

Shakespeare never met my mom.

The “dogs of war” can’t slip anywhere when they’re cooped up in a kennel because mom didn’t pay the internet bill. Thanks, mom, for keeping General Gunderson away from his troops.

You’d think that a gnome warlock, so small in stature, wouldn’t be able to lead dozens of soldiers into the thick of battle. You’d be wrong.

Commanding the forces of the Alliance in the Arathi Basin battleground is simple, really - each of the five bases that you control awards points, and the goal is to get to 2,000 points first.

General Gunderson knows his Basin, and he knows how best to use his troops. Little do these WoW-soldiers know that when they sign up for a fun fifteen-minute battleground, they’re about to be led by a commander who makes George Patton look like George Pickett.

This General has led his troops to victory over 600 times in the last 3 years. Like Washington leading his army across the Delaware, Gunderson bravely plows through the rushing bandwidth of the RoadRunner Rubicon to defend the Alliance.

I know that new, untrained recruits are largely unreliable. I don’t even get to choose them, but I do my duty to the Alliance and I don’t complain. So when we’re transported to the Basin, I survey my soldiers, come up with the best plan of attack, and then I instruct my army. But do these n00bs heed the advice of their experienced commanding officer?

You tell me:

FlyinHaiAgin: ok u fagz group 1 go to stables group 2 go to mine group 3 go with me to blacksmith
glansHammer: fuck u
FlyinHaiAgin: wat
glansHammer: i said fuck u

The battle begins and these asstards just run willy-nilly through the Basin trying to kill shit. They don’t respect strategy and it’s every man for himself.

SURPRISE! We lose.

Listen, losing happens. I’m not a stupid kid, I know it’s normal. I also know that a good General does whatever he can to help his troops improve. A General is a leader, mentor and spiritual adviser, and General Gunderson is the best at all three.

When we’re about to lose, I always debrief my army:

FlyinHaiAgin: u fuckin idiots why the fuck don’t u listen to me we COULD HAVE WON
kewpiesquirt: wtf? shut up who died and made u boss
FlyinHaiAgin: i did n00b
kewpiesquirt: stfu retard

They’ll learn. Kewpiesquirt is a gnome, too, and gnomes have a +15 racial Intellect bonus, so he’ll learn even faster. But for now, I have to trudge through the seas of my soldiers’ blood that fill the Arathi Basin every 15 minutes.

I keep my head held high, as every good leader does, hoping against hope that better days are in store for the Alliance. If only these assholes would FUCKING LISTEN to General Gunderson, those days would be here like…tomorrow.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, this “dog of war” needs to blitzkrieg the kitchen and get his motherly-quartermaster to microwave some rations.

TOTINO’S!!!! lol

Matthew Holness of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace fame has just released a hilarious short film detailing how to pick up women. The downside is that they all have boyfriends.

Edit: Thanks to a member of Julius Bloop’s crack team of weirdos, it’s been discovered that this is actually a montage from a BBC comedy called Snuff Box.

Jolene has just returned from “da club” and is a bit out of sorts. What exactly transpired that has caused her so much grief?

I have recently been made a featured writer of an upstart comedy website that will officially launch in September. A beta version of the site will be open to the public soon so I will keep you up to date once things move forward.

Recently, I decided to forgo taking a nap in lieu of something more productive so I washed the dishes. As punishment from the nap Gods, I cut my finger on a steak knife.

Germans hate everyone. Did you know that when you sneeze and a German says “Gesundheit” it actually means “fuck you!”

I figured out how people started collecting sap and making it into maple syrup. There must have been some retarded kid that kept licking trees and eventually some regular kid dared another regular to try it out. The rest is history. Pancake history.

The meal after breakfast and before lunch is called brunch. The meal in between brunch and lunch is called “you’re fat”.

A blank sheet of paper does not imply writer’s block – it’s merely a fresh patch of snow for the writer to pee his name into. A pile of pee-soaked snow is a writer’s playground. Writers are disgusting.

Cloning sheep was a start. Cloning Uncle Sam is my idea!

Can I get extra cheese on that? And an extra bun. Ooh, and an extra burger patty. No, I don’t want two cheeseburgers – I just want one with a ton of extras!

My awesome boss update – he recently became annoyed by having to attend a mandatory company meeting at 4:30pm because that’s the time he’s scheduled to crack his first Bud Light. Apparently, alcoholism is my only criteria for being a cool boss.

Everyday is your birthday when you’re an alcoholic.

The most common phrases I say inside my head are “what do you want?” and “leave me alone!” I wonder if that’s a bad thing…? Oh well, I hear that there’s only five more months until football season!

Here’s another episode of the cartoon that practically no one asks for but keeps on coming! Paulie is out on the streets and having a tough time coping with his newfound loneliness. Is there anyone who can alleviate his pain?

Duckman was an adult-oriented cartoon that ran on USA for a few years in the mid-90’s. Featuring bizarre characters, lewd situations and raunchy dialogue - the show was great. I hear from my buddy Jay that it should be released on DVD sometime soon. In the meantime, check out Duckman’s word association clip.