“Cracker” is a Caucasian-targeted derogatory term that clearly references saltines - because Ritz crackers are noticeably tanner than I am. Graham crackers are the athletes of cracker town…but don’t tell them that.

It’s a good thing humans can’t carry things ten times their body weight like ants. Trees would get their asses kicked by drunk dudes every night. On the other hand, the African Elephant Toss might finally get me interested in the Olympics.

A lot of people tailor their decisions upon what Jesus would do but I think about dinosaurs instead. Not because I see more triceratops fossils lying around than Jesus bones but because I want to eat tons of meat every day.

As Emperor of the Cucumber Kingdom I declare the pickle inquisition a sweet and sour success. Neither dill nor spear were spared and I personally drank the juice from the jar of those gherkin heathens.

The moment you know your boss is awesome? When he refuses a free brownie at the end of a tough workday because it will interfere with his scheduled beer intake.

Accepting food from strangers is largely circumstantial. I’ve agreed to injest pizza from the back room of a dirt bike shop and also indulged in a drunkard’s leftover French fries at a dive bar. However, if one must draw a line it is the gummy worms offering from the lecherous old man reading a Russian newspaper on the subway. Trust me.

A fancy bowling alley recently opened in Portland but you can’t help but think that a luxurious bowling alley is like a dumpster full of diamonds – sure there are diamonds in there but it’s still a fucking dumpster.

Peace to all and to all a good night. Except vegans. I hope they have meaty, meaty nightmares.

I had a dream where a family of inbred hillbillies threatened my life at a KB Toy Store because I caressed a girl’s shoulder at some bar, thereby breaking her innocent heart. I wonder what that means? Oh, well…I hear the local fast food restaurant has a new 99-cent item!

I wish I was ugly and ambition-less so I could settle down with some troll and plunk out a litter of mongoloid creatures that would grow up just far enough to hate me and fart out a brood of their own. When you wish upon a star…

This is a short clip from a british show recently picked up by Adult Swim called Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. The show is a completely outlandish satire of 80’s horror/sci fi and is a must see if you’re a fan of absurd humor. It’s honestly the most ridiculous show I’ve ever seen.

What a popcorn-chompingly good black history month it has been. A person could get so caught up in the glow of the silver screen that they forget to do their taxes!

Seriously, I forgot to do my taxes and the government is coming after me. So I’m hiding in the back row of the local multiplex!

Rambo

Arnold is back as the lethal T-1000 Rambo sent from the future to terminate mankind. Schwarzenegger may be a little out of shape from his time off as governor of Minnesota but computer graphics and human growth hormone solve everything.
Thumb Score = A

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins

One would think that an hour and a half of Eddie Murphy being locked outside his house would wear thin after a while. But don’t worry, fans, the fat suit is still hilarious!
Thumb Score = B+

Jumper

Can Nicholas Cage talk Colin Farrell down from taking a fatal plunge off a New York City high-rise? Thankfully…no.
Thumb Score = D+

Be Kind Rewind

From the producers of You Got Served comes the best poetry slam movie of the year. Dr. Dre sums up the racial tensions in this cultural landmark of a film when he raps…Our Kind/We Blind. Be Kind/Rewind.
Thumb Score = B

Spiderwick Chronicles

The sequel to last year’s blockbuster fantasy, The Chronicles of Narnia, doesn’t quite live up to expectations. And why so much full-frontal nudity?
Thumb Score = C+

The Bucket List

Who knew there were so many kinds of buckets? Mel Brooks, that’s who.
Thumb Score = B-

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Casablanca

Spanish for “House of White” this Ridley Scott post-apocalypic masterpiece shows us what life would have been like if Fidel Castro took over the White House. The only thing thicker than Marlon Brando’s accent is his beard.
Thumb Score - A+

Jolene is fighting with her mother because of her inability to properly apply makeup. But she’ll show you! She’ll show the whole internet she looks like a celebrity!

If I were a rock I’d want to live in a gentle stream or creek. Dry land is boring as hell when you’re a rock. Yup, a current of water would be an kick-ass party to me and my rock buddies.

The self-checkout aisle at the supermarket is a great way to avoid judgmental clerks and still buy embarrassing personal items like condoms, hemorrhoid cream and Eskimo Balls Magazine.

A stick to a child is a sword, to a teenager it’s the start of a raging campfire and to the elderly it is a much-needed third leg. Adulthood is a period of life that is characterized by a complete lack of interest in sticks.

One thing civilization never could have survived without is music. Also, food. That has helped.

I love stories where a skydiver falls thousands of feet from an airplane and survives. It gives me hope that if my third eye suddenly becomes so blinded from the collective unconscious that I need to seek fulfillment from life-threatening risks and thereby engage in extreme sports where something inevitably goes wrong – hey, maybe me and my dumb faux-hawk haircut will live to brag about it to my assholes friends.

I saw a tree covered with sparkles and figured it was home to either a magic glowworm or the gayest bird in the history of homosexual birds.

It’s not that I’m afraid of lesbians because they render my masculine reproductive abilities useless – I’m more afraid they’ll engulf me with their poison vaginas and chew me to shred with their razor-sharp labia teeth.

This “memory” thing isn’t working out very well. I either need to start writing things down or stop trying to accomplish stuff.

Do you ever sleep someplace unfamiliar and wake up completely disoriented? Okay, now does anyone else do that each morning in their own bed? What does that mean? Oh, well…I wonder what those wacky celebrities are doing!?

The internet is a great place to find a soul mate. Simply type a list of your favorite movies or briefly explain your interest in food and Cupid’s arrow will be arriving shortly. Craigslist personal ads have a particular knack for being at times bizarre, confusing and quite often embarrassing. Let’s take a look at a few choice ads from my city of Portland, Oregon.

NOTE: Click the picture to see the actual ad and icon description.

The Carpet of Sorrow

“Peer into the darkness of my love.”

Mammary Meal

“I’ve got two feedbags for a reason!”

Yancy Turdbrains

“The moon is not made of cheese - it is made of ME!”

Ocean Slayer

“Our first date will be surfing on volcano-sharks made of lightning!”

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Feb

19

Floating Together - Addiction

Filed Under Floating Together | Leave a Comment

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Feb

18

The Top 5 Songs That Should Be Banished

Filed Under Editorials | 9 Comments

Having grown disgruntled with hearing the same handful of awful songs all the time - I’ve decided to ban some of them.

Feel free to add your own submissions to the list by commenting.

Satisfaction (The Rolling Stones)

Okay, maybe not a lifetime ban since it was once a pretty great song but lets please put it on hiatus. Five years should suffice. Not only will the classic Keith Richards guitar lick not sound during this mandatory sentence but no one is allowed to mention it as the greatest rock song of all time, either. Shut up.

AC/DC (Post Bon Scott)

Think of an AC/DC song that Brian Johnson “sings” and that’s the one that should be banned. Just pick one – they’re all exactly the same. Back In Black, Thuderstruck, Hell’s Bells, You Shook Me All Night Long, For Those About To Rock, Have A Drink On Me. All gone. Forever. Sorry, Coors Light fans.

Sweet Child O’ Mine (Guns & Roses)

Slash’s guitar lick is great - too bad it’s been sucked through smoke-filled lungs and pumped into the malformed fetus struggling to grow inside every unknowingly pregnant pile of trash at your local dive bar. Sheryl Crow’s embarrassing cover doesn’t help this song’s case for being blown into outer space.

Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin)

Will anyone argue against this song being devoured by wolverines and subsequently vomited into the Marianas Trench? Pimple-pricked DJs across the country are closing out middle school dances with this insipid epic ballad of tripe. Gone.

Sweet Home Alabama/Freebird (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

I cannot fathom the idea of good people enjoying these ignorant, machismo-saturated, mongoloid circle-jerk power anthems. Okay, maybe if I’m from Alabama I’ll play that song when I forget where I am at the end of each day. And maybe if I’m a bird who was recently released from a cage, I’ll play the other. But for goddsakes, must the remainder of the population be subjected to this hee-haw banality for the rest of our lives? No – ban.

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