Well 2007 was a great year for cinema but it’s time to say goodbye to yesterday and hello to the movies of tomorrow - today!

Forget losing weight, quitting smoking or divorcing your spouses, let’s make a new year’s resolution we can all keep…watch more movies!

Cloverfield

The latest installment in the Leprechaun series and first to hit theaters since the 1993 smash hit that launched Friend’s star Courtney Cox is a blarney stone blast. Planet Cloverfield, home of the evil Irish fairies, is a macabre ménage of bloody rainbows that lead virgin astronauts to viscera-laden pots of gold. Yes!
Thumb Score = B

Juno

This foreign film from Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron (Y Tu Mama Tambien) was shot in a French province with Chinese dialogue that is subtitled in Yiddish. Juno what I mean? No, I don’t, Rosie Perez.
Thumb Score = D-

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Harry Potter is back but this time the chamber isn’t the only thing full of secrets. Look out for that book, Gandalf!
Thumb Score = B+

There Will Be Blood

Really? You could’ve fooled me, Steven Soderbergh. Frankly, I’m not sure how a cast of anthropomorphic beaver puppets would bleed even you filled them with a system of tubes surrounding a heart-like bladder that pumped red-dyed corn syrup throughout their paper mache beaver bodies. Stupid.
Thumb Score = C+

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Control of Fleet Street is on the line as Sweeney Todd faces off against the Demon Barber. Who wins? The audience.
Thumb Score = A-

Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem

If you could bottle the magic of this film and store it in a jar - you could sell that magic jar for a King’s random on the magic jar black market. Kudos to Rosie O’Donnell for her portrayal of the alien.
Thumb Score = A+

Someone once told me that eating fast food is incredibly unhealthy for your body. I don’t remember who told me that, though. Oh, that’s right, it was my asshole.

Taco Bell is to me as canned spinach is to Popeye. However, instead of battleships firing cannonballs inside exaggerated biceps, the white flag of surrender waves inside my lower intestines and my consciousness sinks to the bottom of the Nap Sea.

IKEA is an enormous home furnishing outlet where not only can you purchase a cheap bookshelf but you’ll also receive a free life-altering panic attack.

Alcoholics Alert – When your flight attendant offers you coffee during your next plane ride, ask for some Bailey’s Irish Cream. They’re guaranteed to have a miniature bottle secretly stowed within their rickety beverage cart. You’ll soon realize that the only thing better than coffee or booze is coffee and booze.

Do you ever wish you were a lesbian so you could let your waistline go, eliminate your entire wardrobe in favor of an oversized hoodie/cargo pant combination and simultaneously enjoy sports, shopping, Sex and the City and ogling titties? I don’t.

Safe, Sane. Fake, Fade. Mail, Maul. Hobo, Homo.

Sometimes I misidentify things by referring to them by an improper name. Like the time I saw a cat chasing a sprinkler and said “Stupid dog!” or that time I said “What’s up, helicopter!?” to that old lady at the supermarket.

Now sweetie, Mommy needs you to finish all of the vegetables on your plate. There are starving Asians in Africa that would love to eat you.

Ever see a fat couple holding hands and immediately become overwhelmed with the grotesque mental image of the man noodling his partially erect piggly-wiggly prick into the woman’s gaping, bovine, flappy-lipped vagina until they both squirt in disappointment and waste another considerable chunk of their captive existence? No? Anyone?

I’m bored, do you wanna have another baby? Will you shut up? The TV is talkin’ to me.

Here is episode two of Steve Agee’s Super Deluxe show Hank Sugarman’s Around The House. You may recognize Agee from Comedy Central’s The Sarah Silverman Program. He plays Brian Posehn’s gay lover - it is quite hysterical.

Hey,

I’m sorry for the lack of updates here at Julius Bloop. I’m currently in the midst of an apartment transition which has forced me to focus on things away from writing - much to my dismay. I promise to come back with full force as soon as things get settled. Thank you for your patience and stick with me.

~Bloop