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Merry Christmas to all the weirdos who read this comedy blog. Thank you for supporting and spreading the retarded message of Julius Bloop. I will be taking a week long break from this website as to celebrate Christmas with my family. Enjoy the Holidays and see you in a week.

~Bloop

There’s never enough time in the day and that’s why cloning is necessary. My clone will eat peanut butter cookies by the sleeve and have a harem of smokin’ hot girlfriends - one to represent each race. But I better have some kind of psychic connection with my clone to vicariously experience his life or else what’s the point?

Actually, forget it - I can’t allow this to turn into Double Impact, the movie with two Van Dammes. No one needed two muscles from Brussels…especially one with slicked-back hair.

Today I was wondering why you never see any pictures of black cowboys. Then I remembered that whole slavery thing and I felt bad.

Have you ever accidentally put the wrong thing in the refrigerator? Like a box of cereal or a pillowcase of viscera?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won US Weekly’s best couple award narrowly defeating Todd and Katie Penderson of Clymer, New York. I really thought Todd’s surprise party for Katie at Mitchell’s Bowl and Booze would get them over the hump but that final foreign baby Angelina adopted must have sealed the deal in the eyes of US Weekly. Better luck next year, Pendersons.

I want a retarded drinking buddy. Not a dumb guy who acts like an idiot when he’s drunk but an actual retarded dude that loves the sauce. Ultimate wingman.

I hate it when my computer goes into sleep mode during the day. It shouldn’t be napping while I’m out trying to open a bank account. Although, I guess I’d be jealous if I discovered it was computing things without me. Let’s never fight again, Captain Binary.

Chile is home to an animal called the alpaca, which is basically a Mexican goat. Belize is home to the Keel-Billed Toucan, which is pretty much a Mexican bird. Mexico is the ancestral home of recording artist Fergie who is basically an American tranny.

Does anyone else’s toenails grow progressively slower by toe size? My big toe always has a giant nail on it but by the time I get to the pinky I’m clipping off nubbily skin. Nubbily is not an adverb.

Well, it’s that time of year again - when families travel hundreds of miles to reunite their love…

By watching movies at the multiplex!

The stars come out for holiday films and the red carpet is ready. This year is full of heroes and zeros - stinkers and clinkers.

So which films are worthy of your $90 million dollar popcorn buckets? Julius Bloop’s Uniformed Reviews is here to tell you! Let’s get this party started by getting the ball rolling…

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Director Brett Ratner says it took three years, four hundred jars of peanut butter and a dozen rabies shots to get these three lovable chipmunks talking. Well, this rodent romp is proof that hard work pays off! Steve Martin’s new beard is just the cherry on top of this adorable movie cake.
Thumb Score = B-

No Country for Old Men

The Wachowski Brother’s latest neo-future action film features a cutthroat society run by pre-pubescent lesbian warriors. It’s not for everyone and Dakota Fanning fans are in for a surprise - but I loved it!
Thumb Score = A++

The Golden Compass

Searching For Bobby Fischer meets The Running Man in this ultra-violent film about a deadly mathematics competition. Can Henry’s pencil stay sharp enough to overcome all odds and draw the perfect circle? Or will the golden compass fall into the evil clutches of Mother Russia?
Thumb Score = B+

I Am Legend

This sequel to Sean Penn’s 2001 sentimental hit I Am Sam just doesn’t have the same emotional impact of its predecessor. I’ve never heard of a Down’s syndrome person or even a normal person named Legend. Absurd from start to finish.
Thumb Score = C-

Fred Claus

Yabba, Dabba, Christmas! What happens when Fred Flintstone becomes Santa Claus and it’s up to Dino to guide his prehistoric sleigh? Hilarity - that’s what happens!
Thumb Score = A-

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

More like - “Mr. MaSNOREium’s BLUNDER EmBOREium!
Thumb Score = F-

Beowulf

X-Box 360 made a movie based on an epic poem that allows audience members to use videogame controllers to affect the outcome of the film. Only one problem – this videogame movie sucks balls and Jennifer Aniston looks like a cartoon.
Thumb Score = C+

If this was medieval times and I was King, I’d commission the greatest bakers in the land to make a dragon-sized donut. I’d take one bite out of it and declare it the most delicious treat among the living. Then I’d force my guards to toss the remainder of it in the bottomless pit of Grogom. That’ll probably teach ‘em something. I’m an awesome King.

A manhattan is exactly like fruit punch except it’s made out of whiskey, makes you blackout drunk and could force you to “Hawaiian Punch” your best friend in the balls for no good reason.

People complain about product placement in movies but at least advertisers aren’t writing slogans into the scripts. The classic horror scene where the murderer approaches and the girl can’t start the car would be a lot different if she yelled, “Come on, Ford…Focus! Hurry up and get in the zone! THE AUTO ZONE!”

Lithuania has its own tourism website. Who gave those stupid Eskimos a computer anyway? Hahahhah! I have no idea where Lithuania is…

Next time you see a beautiful girl and she ignores you, just think about the intense diarrhea experience she had in some dirty public restroom. Everyone has a story like that – even pretty girls. So if she tells you to leave her alone just say, “Hey, at least I’m not five-years old and clogging the toilet at Chuck E. Cheese.” She’ll know what you’re talking about.

There’s something poetic about sitting on the toilet eating a banana. Whoops, I meant to write there’s nothing poetic about sitting on the toilet eating a banana.

Wal-Mart is running a holiday ad campaign where they claim customers who shop there can get more Christmas. That’s great because I was worried about only getting two Christmas this year but thanks to Wal-Mart I might be able to get three or four Christmas! Thanks, Wal-Mart. For allllll the Christmas.

All my life people have criticized me for walking like a tough guy because of a slight bob in my stride. What they don’t realize is that one of my legs is longer than the other one. So not only am I a phony tough guy but I’m also lopsided.

A portly customer at the grocery store was picking out a bag of shredded cheddar when she politely quipped, “Cheese - it makes everything better!” I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t making her chances of preventing heart disease any better but instead said, “Yeah – it’s pretty good!”

A recently uncovered document reveals the original version of the Notorious B.I.G.’s hit song, Gimme The Loot.

A long deceased ancestor and minstrel named Lord Smalls scribed this ballad onto parchment sometime during the Middle Ages. It is unknown whether or not Lord Smalls was notorious during his time but we believe from his lyrics that he had experience robbing, thieving and leaving victims in the fosse or as it’s known in modern times - the gutter.

Notorious B.I.G.’s Gimme The Loot was released in 1994 as the third track off his debut album, Ready To Die. You can hear Biggie’s recording by clicking here or read the lyrics here.

So, is this discovery proof of re-incarnation or simple happenstance? Will we see another incarnation of Lord Smalls/Notorious B.I.G. somewhere down the annals of time?

Prognostications aside, we are proud to reveal this long forgotten poem…

Give Me The Lute

“Nobody know how or when they’re gonna bite the big one. Hell, that’s what makes life so precious in the first place. But if you had told me this morning that I’d be cooled off because of this, I would’ve told you to lay off the sauce. After of twelve years of busting pigeons, pushers and every two-bit thug this side of the Hudson - I’m pushin’ up daisies because of…a sack of spuds.”

Gimme The Loot is a short film that I made in college alongside classmate, Vincent Welch. I wrote the script, Vinny directed it and we both produced it. The two of us were in a Film Noir Appreciation class that sparked the idea to create this homage. Michael Bisson and Dan Lendzian are two of my best friends from the improv/sketch comedy group I directed called Random Acts. Jay Winder is a great friend and former roomate and Robin Carlson was a close friend of Vinny’s. Enjoy!