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My senior capstone project - The Journey of Merrill recently won a 2007 Gold Aurora Award. In celebration of that honor, I recently redesigned The Journey of Merrill Myspace page.
Please visit the page and be Merrill’s friend.
Thanks.
The following was published in The Leader on March 1st, 2006.
Infertile couples, step right up. Here’s your golden opportunity to own a good as new baby, a slighty used toddler or a mint condition newborn. Peggy Hunt is having a baby liquidation sale and every kid must go!
After 13 years of compiling QVC debt, the repo men are knocking on my busted screen door and they’re ready to take away my Suzanne Somers skin care products as well as cancel my subscription to the BBQ Meat of the Month™ club. So I’m sellling my very own cottage industry product - my children.
Looking for an atheletic 8-year-old on the verge of literacy? Then meet Dumpo.
Dumpo has the strength of a rented mule and the mouth of the one-legged drunken sailor that may be his daddy. Just last week he tipped over the plasma screen TV that I’m trying to make payments on and called me “mamma the slut”. I whupped him with a frozen extension cord but that bucket of nails just laughed in my face! It was so cute.
What? Not ready to handle a little macho man of your own? Perhaps I can interest you in a four-year-old girl with a nickel-sized hole in her heart just waiting to be filled with love. Her name is Reemy and the hole is actually a very serious medical condition that needs tending to.
I was going to pay for the operation myself but there was a sale on limited edition gold-rimmed collector’s plates that immortalize the cast of Winnie the Pooh. Although I love them all, Tigger is my all time favorite cartoon personality. The most wonderful thing about Tigger - is everything!
Huh? You don’t want Reemy? That sort of serious medical condition too much for you? How about a kid with a fun medical condition?
Allow me to introduce you to my two-year-old boy that was born with a thick mat of facial hair. I call him Beardy Steve. You’ll be the talk of the playground with Beardy Steve the bearded baby in your stroller. Don’t try to make sideshow money off him, though. Apparently the bearded lady down at the carnival is deathly afraid of bearded children. Go figure.
Why are you looking at me like that? Are you afraid that a bearded freak-baby will cramp your blue collar lifestyle? Then say hello to a toddler with no physical deformities whatsoever. Come here, Milly. Mildred Joe! Baby girl, stop chasing the kitty with a spork. No! You can’t eat Rambo the cat; you’ll spoil your beef jerky and ranch dressing dinner.
Milly here has a bit of an appetite. One time she bit the Dominos Pizza man’s hand while he was trying to deliver Thanksgiving dinner. I punished her by making sure she only ate half a box of Little Debbie’s Swiss Cake Rolls that night.
What’s wrong now? You can’t afford to feed a little chubster like Milly? I’ve got just the deal. If you act now you can pre-order a mint condition infant by making layaway payments on the 6 pound miracle I’m baking in the maternal money oven right now.
This is a 100% blank slate baby. No name, no emotional ties, and no idea who the baby daddy be. Just promise to pay off the eight-in-one super step ladder covered in space age Tempur-pedic memory foam I keep in the shed.
Really? You’ll take it?You can make your payment in cash, check, or paypal. In fact, you should just send a money order directly to QVC. I don’t want them to take away my food dehydrator, juicer, Ronco rotisserie or my automated DVD organizing shelf that Swiffers itself.
Thank you for shopping - please send in the next couple on your way out.
The following was published in The Leader in October 2005.
I believe in the value of organized religion in modern society. I also believe that the toilet bowl is a great place to find ice cream.
If I ever get brutally murdered I hope there’s circus music playing in the background. That’d be hilarious.
And forget dirt. I want to be buried in creamy peanut butter. But not chunky. That would just be gross.
I’m thinking of getting a tribal tattoo on my lower back with a single rose in the middle of a sun that says “LOVE” in Japanese lettering. I want to be a unique individual.
Fabreze is deceiving. I bet that stinky water don’t clean shit. Give me my money back, Wal-Mart - so I can buy something else I couldn’t possibly need. Like a Swiffer.
A turtle shell would be a funny hat for a baby. If a baby actually wore a turtle shell hat they’d make a movie about it. It wouldn’t be a very good movie.
The developers of Sonic the Hedgehog were liars. Hedgehogs can’t run upside down and they don’t give two shits about the collection of golden rings in piled in their cage.
Patience is not a virtue of mine. I’d rather take the stairs than the escalator. Sometimes I’d rather take the stairs than wait for an elevator. Maybe I’m not impatient; maybe I’m just obsessed with stairs.
Potatoes are the most underappreciated object on the planet. Their versatility is unmatched. Fried, mashed, baked, made into chips, bread or booze. Hell, you can make a potato gun. Bang! Bang! Bye bye, enemies. Thanks, potato.Soup is the soggy meal.That Howard, Hanna, Holt commercial with the Flight of the Bumblebee song needs to stop. I’d rather paint my house with puppy blood and burn it to the ground than give them my business.Supermarkets offer too many alternate flavors for foods that already have their own flavor. Eight flavors of mayonnaise? Jesus, where are the pizza-flavored pickles?
If I were a hungry cartoon character I would not waste my time chasing a mouse, a road runner or a tweedy bird. I’d eat that sullen bastard, Eeyore. It’d be the perfect tradeoff. He doesn’t want to live and I’m a fire-breathing cartoon dinoasaur with laser-beam eyeballs.
Have you ever seen young women walking downtown wearing tiny skirts and low tops on night they should be wearing winter hats and hoodies? Man, it’s cold being a slut.
Squirrels are everywhere. As soon as they learn how to spit acorns like bullets out of their squirrelly little mouths we’re all in big trouble.
I wish I were friends with Donkey Lips, Telly and Bobby Budnick from Nickelodeon’s Salute Your Shorts. Hell, I’d even hang out with Sponge. I just want to give them all a big high-five for all the hi-jinks they pulled against “Ug” Lee. Good work, gang.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and stared at an eyeball until you could see the reflection of your own face inside your pupil? That’s fuckin’ crazy, man!
Ladies love my popped collar, facial hair and hemp bracelets. They also love my premature ejaculation.
The Earth is gay.
Jul
22
I built a sand castle out of snow. U.S.A.
Filed Under Creek of Consciousness | Leave a Comment
The following was printed in The Leader in Spring 2006.
I can’t wait to buy the three disc, criterion collection, superbit, collector’s box set DVD of some stupid fucking movie I don’t even like. I need to complete my collection!
The only way to watch Law & Order is if you catch it from the beginning or you’re stuck in a room with a TV and an old person.
I think we’re all tired of the soda vs. pop debate. Listen - those are nicknames for the actual product - soda pop. It’s like one friend calling a guy “Will” and another one calling him “Bill”. It doesn’t matter as long as everyone understands what it is you’re referring to. So let’s get back to more pressing debates like “when does a pregnancy turn into a human” and “what happened to that girl in Aruba? She was American and I like that.”
A vibrating cell phone is a lot like a crying baby. Except you go to jail for putting the baby in “silence mode”.
Everything is cuter when a baby does it. Like laughing or clapping or carrying a dead rat in its mouth. Maybe I’m thinking of puppies.
Buying a horse is really easy these days. You just have to go to a horse store or something. But during ancient times I bet it was a pain in the ass to capture and tame a wild horse. Those things are like gigantic radioactive dogs that talk when you put peanut butter in their gums.
If Jello is really made out of ground-up horse bones then Bill Cosby is a sadistic, pudding-pop-pushing freak.
One time, I thought I had a brilliant analogy on my hands by describing big tractor trailers as “land trains”. I quickly realized, however, that regular trains are “land trains”. So then I thought that perhaps a gigantic plane could be an “air train” or a huge boat could be a “water train”. I soon realized that the entire idea was stupid. True story.
Supermarket bathrooms are the source of all evil.
If I was part of the goldrush of 1849, I probably would’ve quit after two days of not finding gold and opened up a shovel store. I’d charge those bearded losers top coin! I’m a brilliant theoretical entrepreur.
I have no interesting stories from my childhood. I’m like “Sometimes my Dad made egg and cheese sandwiches for breakfast. Yay, those were awesome breakfasts!”
No matter what anyone says, the Police Academy movies were sweet. There’s something for everyone in these films whether you’re a tiny-voiced black lady with a jerry curl like me or a gun-toting maniac who solves each problem with a Desert Eagle like me. And let’s not forget Michael Winslow’s sound effects - beep boop beep. Hilarious!
I recently discovered that bologna is a combination of chicken, beef and pork. Which means it’s either the ultimate meat or competely disgusting crime against nature.
I admit it; sometimes I throw pennies in the garbage. I don’t care, I hate them and they’re everywhere. I bet there are a couple of pennies on the ground by your feet right now. Look around you. Some people are like, “Just put them in a jar.” Well I already have a penny jar. It’s called the garbage.
My favorite coffee is a mocha, half-sip, double x, chai-steam, latte frappe-dingo with caramel, whipped cream and gravy. It costs thirty two dollars. I can’t start my miserable day without one!
Anyone who doesn’t believe that dreams are merely the brain’s attempt to make sense out of the random firing of synapses should explain why when I awoke with neck pain - I was convinced it was all Brett Favre’s fault.
F…f…fat camp.
Surprising Sunset by KH, Schnaeppchen & BC
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