-
RSS Feed
-
Pages
-
Categories
-
Recently Written
-
Blogroll
-
Archives
-
Search
-
Admin
-
Networks
Subscribe to Julius Bloop
Sorry, weirdos, but I’m on vacation for a couple of weeks. I’m making a return visit to Dumpsterville and will not be able to update.
On the plus side, things are coming along nicely in my quest to absorb sitcoms-writing knowledge so that the Merill TV Show can be as awesome as humanly possible.
Try not to cry too much, and hey, maybe I’ll visit you while I’m out of my writing cave.
Stumble it!
Digg it!
Del.cio.us! 
As you all know, George Carlin passed away on June 22nd. He was one of the most influential, brilliant and important comedians of all time.
The man produced a herculean amount of material and always had a message behind his humor - something every aspiring comedian strives for but few achieve.
Ultimately, I know it isn’t my place to pay reverence to such a powerful figure so I would like to direct you to a very nice tribute written by comedian Louis C.K.
Goodbye George Carlin - By Louis C.K.
Enjoy.
Jun
25
Talking Machines Going Fast - Get Yours A Hundred Years Ago
Filed Under Creek of Consciousness
Paranoia can often be misplaced. Lately, I haven’t been scanning my rewards card at the supermarket because I think the government is monitoring my spending habits. The CIA is gonna know I love Mountain Dew!
When bachelor life gets a bit mundane it’s important to spice things up. The other night I washed the dishes with sunglasses on and it totally kicked ass – until I woke up the next day and the dishes were dirty.
I learn a lot about different cultures from watching TV – for example, Asian women love reporting the news and Asian men don’t exist.
When you go to heaven and you see your grandparents are they still old or are they young? I figure I might have sex with my hot young grandma and that’s no heaven I want to spend eternity. Or is it?
My new way to find out if a girl is single or not is to ask her, “So what’re you doing tomorrow – hiking with your stupid boyfriend?” I’ll find out if she’s single and all I have to do from there is dig myself out of the douchebag ditch I dug.
It’s been reported that Ed McMahon is over $700,000 in debt – but there’s good news, he just received a letter from Publisher’s Clearing House and he might be a winner!
Sometimes you need a bag for your bags. Sometimes you need a box for your boxes. Sometime you need a hat for your hats but only if you’re some kind of two-hatted, looney asshole.
Too bad fat people aren’t actually ball-shaped because rolling them around would be so much fun.
Here’s an example of when I drunkenly write down a joke and discover it in the morning – “I really want to get a tattoo of a monkey biting a dog where the dog says ‘Doggone it!’ and the monkey says, “That’s monkey business for ya!” I have no idea what that means.
The healing power of June cinema beckons. My wife left me, my kids routinely poison my cereal and the dog has lost interest in licking my face.
I even smothered myself in honey and all I got was a weird rash. Luckily, no one can see my grotesquely blemished epidermis and battered pride in the back of the theater.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I grew up loving Indiana Jones but I was disappointed with this fifth installment of the quadrilogy. Schwarzenegger is getting a bit long in the tooth, short in the muscles and medium in the unintelligible rambling.
Thumb Score = T1000
The Incredible Hulk
Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on the movies, brother? This grossly self-indulgent biopic caused Hulk Hogan to split from his wife of 38 years and it’s the Walk The Line of 2008. Dwayne Johnson’s portrayal of The Rock is so good it’s like they made a wax figure of him and somehow brought that wax figure to life using magic. Movie magic!
Thumb Score = B-
Kung Fu Panda
The followup to the 2007 comedy masterpiece, Waiting, pits Harold and Kumar in a Chinese restaurant that seems normal except for one thing – a rival Asian restaurant stole their panda mascot named Mai Bawls! “Don’t eat Mai Bawls” is destined to be the catchphrase of the summer.
Thumb Score = Mai Bawls
Get Smart
The creators of Hooked on Phonics and Mega Reading Masters finally made a movie about learning. And guess what? It’s r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d.
Thumb Score = FFFF
The Love Guru
Julia Roberts and Richard Gere team up once again for what’s sure to be the romantic comedy of the month. Roberts and Gere or “Rere” as I refer to them, pay homage to Pretty Woman by copying the classic film frame by frame with an updated wardrobe. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and, honey, this is about as “ain’t broke” as they don’t not come!
Thumb Score = A+
The Happening
Yo, what’s happening? The movie I saw last night. What’s it called? The Happening. What’s happening? The movie I saw last night! What movie? The Happening! I know but what’s it called? THE HAPPENING! THE MOVIE IS CALLED “THE HAPPENING”. Oh, okay. So…what happens?
Thumb Score = F
You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Don’t tell me what to do, Dr. Phil. The last time I listened to you, my wife divorced me and she took the couch. My couch. Now I sit on a series of crushed cardboard boxes that are crudely strewn together with duct tape, gum and hairballs. I think I might just poke that Zohan right in his Zohan-y face just to spite you and your fat red beard.
Thumb Score = D-
***Classic Uninformed Review***
E.T.
The two little letters that started an adult film revolution. Francis Ford Coppola set out to tear down gender roles and liberate the world’s sexuality - and he did it all with a young Marilyn Chambers, an old Rock Hudson and two little letters meaning…‘Elephant Tits.’
Thumb Score = A++-+
Jun
21
Maybe This Only Amuses Me - Chris Elliott’s Action Family
Filed Under Maybe This Only Amuses Me
Special Note: This contains three parts so after the first clip is done, simply hover over the player to choose the next clip or use the arrows on the edge.
Chris Elliott’s Action Family is a brilliant spoof on cheesy family-based sitcoms as well as 70’s cop dramas that he and the writers of Late Night with David Letterman made for Cinemax in 1986. It is wickedly absurd, unrelentingly silly and borderline retarded. In other words, it’s funny as hell and 100% Chris Elliott.
I realize that not all of you weirdos will like this enough to get through the whole episode but for the handful of you that will - you’re welcome!
Janice Bloop bitterly recalls the birthing of Jolene after a local priest claims she’s pregnant with his child.
It’s sad when you realize how low you’ve set your life expectations. The other night I had an elaborate dream in which I complained about the small nacho portions at a local sports bar. Tomorrow night I’m shooting for a dream about napping.
Have you ever eaten so much that you feel like a pig? It must be the animal inside us. Thanks, Tapeworm!
“Wrong number” phone calls are the worst. Yesterday, a guy called my cellphone claiming I had his phone. I briefly questioned whether it really was his phone, maybe I’ve had this guy’s phone the whole time, perhaps none of us truly own our phones but are just borrowing them from each other – then I remember I wasn’t high and told the guy to go die.
Like grandma always says, “without the ‘s’ a scumbag ain’t nothin’ but a cumbag.”
I hate being forced to bite my tongue when I think of a brilliant retort. Like, when a co-worker explained his interest in a hip hop artist named, “Black Star,” and I wanted to tell him that was coincidentally the same nickname I use to refer to his mother’s asshole but instead I continued chopping celery.
You can’t spell “Earth” without “art”. Also, you can’t spell “Julius Bloop” without “sbloo!”
People always say they tried to learn guitar but didn’t have the patience for it. Just once, I’d like to hear someone say they quit because their puppy was brutally dismembered in a freak guitar accident at a guitar store in Guitarland in which Mayor Guitario summoned the Four Guitarman of the guitarocalypse to shred every note off that puppy’s guitar-hating face until the townspeople of Flying-V City learned that no one fucks with the guitar-fearing citizens whom populate the Guitarolopian Empire. Just once!
If sluts have pee that burns does that mean that nuns have pee that’s frozen?
June is like the Christmas of the summer and this year is rocking off my summer holiday socks.
The world will be immersed in videogames because the sun is too hot and no one wants to have sex - so lets get gaming!
Metal Gear Solid 4
Tick, tock, tick, tock – all four solid-metal gears of Dracula’s clock are deadly in this haunting new survival horror from the producers of Silent Hill: the movie. Milla Jovovich’s voice acting is superb and her full-frontal nudity makes this the first ever AO-rated game.
Score - !!!
Wii Fit
The long-awaited sequel to Pikmin II is here and it’s guaranteed to scramble your noodle. How many wii creatures can securely hide in a can of sardines? If you fit all three hundred, you unlock a hilarious cinema scene featuring a donkey and talking bonsai tree.
Score - 9.73lbs
The Incredible Hulk
The videogame based on the movie based the other movie that was based on the comic book is as terrible as the action figure based on the original TV show.
Score - SMASH
Ninja Gaiden II
Hello, 1991! The NES has been re-released on the Xbox 260 and this game is the cornerstone of the launch. I still can’t beat the dragon boss but hey, Shinobi’s boobs look awesome in HD.
Score - 9.6
Civilization Revolution
What would the world be like if Hitler won World War II? Nintendo wants you to know! The customizable mustache feature is the most detailed since the Atari 2600’s Magnum PI game.
Score - 7.8
Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness
By the time I finished reading the title I was married and pregnant with my third child. And I’m a man. This game is magic.
Score - 8.4
***Classic Uninformed Review***
Donkey Kong
In 1965, President Eisenhower commissioned Japan’s best and brightest to develop a machine to fight communism. The result was a yellow dot, stuck in a maze with ghosts and other dots. They called it “Ronkey Rong” which is Japanese for Donkey Kong.
Score - 10.9327
Jolene has a rude experience with vagisil so she decides to write a playful song to mark the occasion.
Surprising Sunset by KH, Schnaeppchen & BC
Blog Directory | All-Blogs.net Blurtit Free Weblog Directory